I just read your article on BPD. I have never had "relationship" issues (ie: always had friends, happily married, etc) and am not agressive. Also, prior to last year, aside from depressions, was stable; I have always been dynamic, but stable. I would lose my temper to the extreme on very rare occasions (perhaps mania that I was unaware of?) and rarely cried.
However, ever since the symptoms of my Bipolar returned with a vengeance, I have not been stable at all (or only for very short periods). Its not been as bad as it was (no psychosis) but I have been very unstable (OFTEN crying very hysterically for no reason), even when I don't feel depressed. Also, when I was young, I was a cutter and the temptation to resort to that has been overwhelming at times. I have thought at times I am better and then suddenly I find myself thinking about suicide. I have also always had very irrational (very irrational) fears--they come and go. I will say, I am never very aware of my moods. I can never say "I am depressed" or "I am manic" very well, only that I don't sleep for long periods and have rapid thoughts and my husband will say "you have a lot of energy" or I find myself sad, and my house a wreck, but still able to care for my kids (although emotionally unavailable to them). Most of the time, if I feel off in any way, I become very isolated, either way. I just wonder, if it is only Bipolar that I have or Bipolar and something else. If only Bipolar why so much instability even now, when I am on meds and unaware of any major mood. How can I ever know what is going on? I am trying so hard to figure all of this out and it frustrates me to no end. Thank you for any imput.
It's hard to diagnose anything without a proper in person evaluation, and WebMD isn't really able to offer specific diagnostic or treatment recommendations...but, what do the doctors who have evaluated you think, and what has been their impression and the basis for it?
I don't really know what my doctor thinks about the interem moods. I have never really discussed it. I'm not even sure that's what it is. I went back to the same doctor, who I trust, that diagnosed me when I was 15. In April, I stopped sleeping, started to feel paranoid and started having major panic attacks. Then, I stopped eating and continued to not sleep more than a few hours a night for months. I didn't need the sleep but was crying and full of bizarre anxiety. In June, after not sleeping for 3 days straight, I had an extremely psychotic incident--took a 6 hour shower, started hearing voices (religious based) telling me to do bizarre things--for the next two days I experienced such a high that I believed was compared literally to heaven. I was manic and psychotic for about 2 weeks after this episode and my family thought I was either insane or really annointed (lol) but certainly had dangerously poor judegment.The episode ended with paranoia again and then a 2 month long depression. I asked for advice on this website, actually, because I really didn't want to go back on meds, but after hearing from others and talking with my hubby, decided it would be best. I've only been on meds since Oct but I really thought I was doing better lately, but in the midst of "thinking I'm better" I'm having days like today where I literally feel suicidal and, I don't think I'm a narcissist, I know what that would do to my family, but I am just not always thinking rationally. I just have no idea and it feels very overwhelming.
Sometimes there is incomplete remission of symptoms, which is often a goal for possible changes to a medication regimen. Bipolar I mania often involves sleeplessness and psychosis (eg, hallucinations), as you are describing. It may be worth sharing these posts with your doctor and discussing the range of medication options that are commonly used to treat residual symptoms or incomplete remissions in bipolar disorder.
Just tell me when should I go to the hospital? When does suicidal ideation (?) become a real concern? Like, last week, I was driving by myself and I thoutht, I could pull over, jump off this ramp into traffic and that would be the end, What would stop me? And then, I'm like, the very next day, "I'm fine, I'm fine, its all good" and then I'm crying and thinknig about dying and then it is consuming my mind. And I don't ever think I'd do anything that irrational but sometimes I'm so impulsive. And I just feel so unstable right now. And I've been to the hospital before, when I was young, and it traumatized me and I don't want to go back. And I don't know if I actually need to go or if I am just being dramatc or even if maybe I am getting better or what. I just can't even believe I'm sick, let alone wanting to die. I can't believe it. And I know I seem so ridiculous right about now, as I have been so often lately.
I honestly am very sorry, Dr. G. That was quite rude and irrational. I probably should call my own doc; I am afraid of what he will say. And I do think maybe I'll be fine tomorrow, but I keep on doing this lately...like my thoughts and emotions are completely out of control but only sometimes. Like I think, oh I'm fine, and then that same evening, I'm thinking about the above mentioned. I don't know what that means. But today, all day has been very bad and I just think I might be losing my mind again...like maybe its a downward spiral. Thank you for your very professional answer. I will take your advice.
Monkeybee honey, Please don't be afraid to call your Pdoc. Your pdoc is there for a reason. Obviously your unstable and when that happens to any Bipolar, its time to call the Dr. If you feel like you want to hurt yourself or you are even afraid that you may hurt yourself, please call someone. Call a friend, family member or the suicide crisis hot line. I have the suicide crisis hot line on my cell phone, just in case. Find the number in your area or maybe they even have a 1-800 number and write it down and don't be afraid to call them. I am sorry that I don't have the number for you.
Just for informations sake here is a list that I have saved that I share from time to time
Here are some resources that may come in helpful: http://www.suicidehotlines.com/national.html Suicide: Read This First Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Ireland 1life - 1800247100 or the Samaritans 1850 609090 Ireland Samaritans text. 0872609090. Ireland 1 life text. 51444. Text HELP to activate UK Samaritans 08457909090 UK text Samaritans 07725909090 US 1-800-273-8255 Australia lifeline 13 11 14 Australia suicide call back service 1300 659 467 Pakistan - 24x7 Helpline: 91-22-27546
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