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bpcookie posted:
Hi guys, This first sentence is going to be blab blab so that no one is triggered at seeing this on the main board. Blab blab blab blab blab.

I don't know if you all remember or even know that my step mother has cancer. She found out over a year ago. She has been doing chemo and after her first three months of chemo one cancer in her lung shrunk and all the others were gone. We celebrated and I threw her a surprise party. Then a month later the cancer was back, three more months of chemo and the test results came back that not only was her cancer back but it had spread. Now she is going to go through another chemo session for three more months.

I just knew it was gonna be bad news. I talked to her today and I tried to be very calm about it but when we started to say our good byes I broke down crying. I did not want to upset her more. But me and my stupid sensitive side couldn't stop the tears or the crack in my voice. I am so afraid that she won't live for more than a year and I think she is afraid of the same thing.

When she was raising me from the early years of my life, I was about 7, she was absolutely hateful and cruel to me. This treatment messed up my childhood, my teen years and my early adult life. I absolutely hated her. I learned that hate is an evil thing that just rips you to pieces and makes your life miserable. So many years ago I forgave her, in my heart. So I felt better and there was more peace between us. I never thought that I would actually be very upset when she passed away. Not because I hated her, I just didn't THINK that I loved her. But now, knowing that she may only have a short time with us, I found that I really do love her. I feel bad for her and I feel bad for my father.

Well, thats it. Thats what I wanted to say.

Thanks for any support or info. you can give me.
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
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jselleck responded:
You poor thing!!! I remember when my favorite uncle was dying of the same disease. He only lasted about a year, which made it good/worse. He was a smoker for years, and we all begged and begged him to quit, but he wouldn't. Not even after his diagnoses. I was lucky in a since, I got to see him three days before he died. Most of the family wasn't that fortunate. He not only gave me my first job, but taught me a lot of the morals I try to live my life by. I loved him dearly, and still miss him to this day. I'm sure you'll always miss your stepmom and think of her often, not only in the coming days, but after she's gone. If you need to talk, ever, give me a call. If hubbie has the phone at work he knows the land line number. Big fat hugs to ya!!!

J
 
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bpcookie replied to jselleck's response:
Hey J hun, Your such a sweet heart and a good friend. Well guess what the black sheep of the family did. My mothers test results came in yesterday, I thought they were coming in today. Last night I had turned off my phone in order to charge it, so I did not receive her call. Only when I turned my phone on this morning did I hear her msg. OMG, I felt terrible. I'm so afraid that she thinks that I don't care.

When my mother first found out that she had cancer she had a bunch of tests and procedures done. One time I did not call to find out how the procedure went because I thought she would be too sore to talk. Well my dad called me and chewed me out. He said all kinds of horrible things to me and I ended up bawling for an hour. He made me feel so awful. Later he called an apologized and he said that he was wrong in what he said. But now look. I did not call. So all those things that he said before, I am replaying them in my mind over and over. I messed up and I did not call. Im the black sheep of the family. I feel so awful, stupid and I am afraid that my father is thinking awful things about me too.
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
 
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jselleck replied to bpcookie's response:
I'm sure your father loves you and is waiting anxiously for your call. As many of you know, my dad was diagnosed with lymphoma two years ago. I had the opposite thing happen. My mom got so sick of hearing from me that she put her foot down and said "stop calling. If anything goes wrong I'll call you." So between that and the fight we had last month, I haven't spoken to them in almost six months. However I talk to my grandmother every Sunday so I'm not totally out of touch. Go ahead and call. The sooner the better. And no, you're not the black sheep of the family. At least as not as far as I know. Take care hon. Thinking of you.

J
 
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ibex7 replied to bpcookie's response:
Cookie,

I only have a minute to explain it, butt somehow, with all the contrary happenings that I know you are unable to forget, you can set these things aside and you have adjusted to become a very loving, caring person. You reach out easily to people we meet here and share your feelings with much empathy. Here's my best wishes, a thank you, and a few hugs (((((Cookie))))).
-goat
 
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skypper responded:
Cookie, what matters is not where we began but where we've ended up. To have reached the point that you have in not only NOT hating her but in having love and compassion is a very great gift my friend. Time and life are never certain and we never know how much of it is granted to each of us or those we love so it's up to us to make the most of what we do have. And it really sounds to me like that is just what you are doing. You're very strong and very brave, just be there for her and do what you can, I am sure that will be the greatest comfort to you both.
~In my thoughts and love to you
Sky



Love you~!!!
~Sky~
When nothing's going right, go left!
 
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bpcookie replied to ibex7's response:
aaaaawwwww Goat, your words brought tears to my eyes.(good happy tears) Thank you so much.
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
 
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bpcookie replied to jselleck's response:
J honey, so sorry to hear about your father and the fight. Families can be the best thing and the worst thing. uuuggghhh. hugs
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
 
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bpcookie replied to skypper's response:
Michelle honey bunny, You have such a wonderful way with words but then again your a famous poet. You have made me look at this in another way. Thank you so much for your support.
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
 
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monkeybee replied to bpcookie's response:
You have made my day, time and time again. And tonight, you really made my night. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time, in many ways...and despite that, you are still reaching out to me and to others around you. You just gave me your email address so I could vent to you, who needs it least of all. What a kind and loving heart you have and what an incredible blessing you must be to your father, step mother, and everyone you come in contact with. I'm so sorry you are hurting and I hope I can be there for you too! Hugs!
Sarah
 
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slik_kitty responded:
huge hugs. don't feel bad about not getting the phone call in time. the important thing is that you did call, and that you do love her in spite of everything. hugs to her too. i hope the chemo works.
 
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bpcookie replied to monkeybee's response:
monekybee sweetie,Your very kind but you have also just reached out to help me when you, yourself, are having a rough time. That says something about your kind heart as well. Thank you so very much.
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
 
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bpcookie replied to slik_kitty's response:
Kitty honey bunny, Since I have so much going on right now, with my LSC pain, fears that the procedure didn't work, back pain and now the cancer with my step mother, I'm trying my best to just push it all aside. If I don't then I will lose my mind. So today I will try to think of only good things. Happy thoughts. Can you send me some of your wacky weed? I know all you have a garden. Don't be so selfish. lol Thanks for the hugs
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
 
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margaroo replied to bpcookie's response:
(((((((((((((((((((( Sparkle ))))))))))))))))))

I doubt that you Dad and Mom are thinking you are the black sheep of the family. Your description of the missed phone call does not say you are the terrible person you think you are. Read back your description as if you were one of us. If I wrote that would you think I was a terrible person? You turned off the phone while it is being recharged. How can that cancel out everything you have done in the past few years?

We are always harder on ourselves. I am always in the middle of the "woulda, coulda, shouda" tornado. I should know better, but I haven't evolved that far.

Sky's words are so comforting I am going to copy them to keep them around. Thanks, Michelle.

Hundreds of hugs, Sparkle.

Maggie
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
 
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bpcookie replied to margaroo's response:
Maggy honey, My hubby always says"Stop thinking about woulda, shoulda, coulda". My dad hasn't called me back yet but then again he has a business to run and is also busy taking care of my mom. I would call him again today but my bronchitis has taken my breath away. Oh well, that phone call can wait huh?

I love the nick name that you call me. Thanks bunches my little friend. hugs
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie


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