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    What will happen next? (Triggers)
    TheLetterKaye posted:
    Hello. I'm new here. I poked around this area after it was brought to my attention that I am bipolar, but recent events have catalyzed me to make my first post here. I've got quite a story for you, and I could really use a friendly and understanding ear. ( Well, eye...)

    To introduce myself, I'm Kaye, 20 years old. Nice to meet you.

    As a reiterated heads up, some of the things I'm going to talk about will definitely qualify as triggers for some. Proceed no further past this point if that is going to be an issue for you.

    So. It was first brought to my attention that I might be bi-polar by my friends last summer. They added up things I was talking about, with the way I was acting. In hindsight, a week with about an hour of sleep each day and being totally fine might be a rather large tip off among all the other things. Then though, I thought the idea was ridiculous. I felt fine, I felt great. They were worrying about me when I was just so good. Sound familiar to anybody?

    So I put it out of my mind, and I slowly wafted down from that unstoppable high lightly and was good for a while. I moved to Wyoming with my mother and younger siblings who I was living with. Cheaper to do college that way. I started college in Wyoming, and slowly started to sink.

    I have dealt with depression most of my life, and until recently, I had some very powerful ways to deal with it. This time however, something had changed. It was much worse, and caught off guard, depression claimed me. I started to skip classes, I spent most of my time in my room, lights off. I was wallowing in it, in self-despising, self defeating, depression. I began to contemplate suicide. A lot.

    After one night when my mom yelled at me for neglecting to do all the things I should be doing, (school, chores, etc. All the things I had stopped doing because I was so depressed, ) I snapped. I waited for the family in the house to leave to get food, wrote a quick goodbye note and sent it to my friends, and went to end it. I was frantic and stupid with emotion and luckily managed to not do much harm to myself before I heard the car pull up and I quickly stopped to try again when everyone was in bed, this time with a legitimate plan.

    About 15 minutes later, the police showed up at my house, courtesy of my extremely worried friends. They saw the cuts I managed to give myself and took me to the hospital. After some examining the hospital sent me to the "Behavioral Health Unit."

    I've always had very strong fears of ending up in such a place, but really it wasn't so bad there minus it being way too cold and sharing a room with someone who snored louder than I could imagine possible. There were some really nice people there, and being there really helped me put some things into perspective, and realize more viscerally than just knowing that I wasn't alone with the problems I was having.

    I got discharged early with a scrip for 30 prozac and directions for a follow up visit. So I took them, and watched myself. Near the end of the bottle I was feeling fantastic. I neglected to bother to go to the follow up visit, and therefor neglected to take any more prozac.

    A month went by and I was feeling better and better and better. My friends were starting to worry about me again, and I was starting to become easily annoyed with them. One thing led to another and I ended up leaving them, burning several bridges in the process.

    ( Character limit. Continued on next post. )
    TheLetterKaye responded:
    ( Continued from original post )

    I later came to regret it, but shortly after learned that they had become very tired of dealing with me, worrying about me. So I didn't try to reconcile. I figured it was best to just leave them alone. I had drove them away, and I still don't see a way to make any of that better.

    Next semester for college was open to be signed up for. I couldn't though. I was very scared that I would be turned down, I had missed about half of last semester after all. I was ashamed about it so I lied and told my mom I had signed up.

    I went to where I was supposed to get a follow up visit, starting to think that, "Hey, Maybe I really am bipolar, might as well go in and get checked by a professional." The place is called Peak Wellness and it has a fairly easy walk-in arrangement.

    I visited one of their therapists about the potential signs I was showing, and she thought that, yes, I probably was bi-polar, especially since it was my friends that were showing the most concern. An appointment was made with another Peak Wellness therapist.

    It was weeks away and my mind was buzzing. Overactive to the point I couldn't sit still, I couldn't even keep a thought, it was like my brain was thinking a thousand things at once all at the same time, cluttering full of junk. The only thing that could make it better was rambling to what friends I had left. I felt pretty active and started looking for jobs in the area that I could do while I wasn't in school.

    The next therapist I visited basically said, "We can get you a psychiatrist, but not as fast as this other organization, you should go visit them." He wasn't much help, but I decided his advice was good enough and made plans to call up these other people.

    Now we have caught up to the present, and what really hurts. My mom found out that I wasn't going to college on the day I was going to go apply for jobs. Way before, she told me I could stay as long as I was either in school or had a job.

    She decided that even though I was in the process of getting a job, she was going to kick me out. I try to explain to her, I try to tell her that I really need her support right now, that she's directly impeding on my getting through this issue with my brain. I have a therapist, I have a doctor appointment in a couple weeks, I have jobs lined up. She doesn't care. I need to be out of the house in 6 days.

    I'm lost! I don't know what to do! I feel like I can barely control this crap that's going on in my head. I know I need a doctor, and I feel like I need one asap, but now I have to worry about where the heck am I going to go! What will happen next?!

    To anyone that got this far in this. Thank you for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest.
    bpcookie replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    Hello Kaye, its so very nice to meet you and welcome to the board. I had to skim through your introduction because I'm ill and also have pain issues, so I'm not able to sit at the computer for long. But when I'm feeling up to it I will read it all.

    It sounded like you had some pretty good friends and its a total shame that you lost them. I'm so sorry to hear that. But now that you are on this board, you will find many more friends.

    I can't imagine how you must feel being kicked out of the house by your own mother. My sister kicked me out of her house when I was at my very lowest point. So in a way I understand how emotional this is for you.

    You take care of yourself and feel free to post here any ole time you want. We welcome it.
    WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
    TheLetterKaye replied to bpcookie's response:
    Thank you cookie I do have pretty good friends. I think their annoyances with me will heal in time. I just need to take some time away from them, let them be, so all of that old annoyance fades.

    What's most frustrating is she thinks she's helping me even though I've labeled out how she's hindering me by doing this. There's not much that can be done about it now though. I'll just have to restart where I'm headed to next.
    ddnos replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    Hi Kaye, and welcome to the boards! I'm sorry that your mom is kicking you out of home! I hope that either she will change her mind or that you will find a good place to live and that you will find the help that you need!

    Please feel free to post as much as you need/want to!

    Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
    bpcookie replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    Kaye, Oh yes, the ole I'm-doing-this-for-your-own-good, reason. Well, this may turn out for the best. There could be something good for you just waiting around the corner. I hope there is.
    WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie
    Betzy11 replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    Thank you for sharing your story. Like I have said 1 time on here. I was told that I was bipolar about 10 months ago. I want to learn more about this so I can understand my self more. I have racing thoughts. It wears you out. I don't know where all these thoughts come from. It troubles me very much..And I stay up late all the time and quiet a few nights I cannot sleep also.
    I take some medications for this. The phyciatrist prescribed me Lamotrigine 100 mgs as of now. He started off will a smaller mg to start and I wonder it it needs to be stronger.
    I am back about not wanting to go anywhere. Do sometime but wonder if this is a part of the illness. I am worried about myself very much. I am always talking to my self.. Not out loud but in my mind. It drives me crazy at times. Want my brain to shut up. Just wanted to know. Am new at this. Thanks for the ear.
    bipolarvet replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    I think it's really important for you to be able to stay at home if you can. A stable living situation is crucial as you go through the process of learning to live with and manage your bipolar disorder. It sounds to me like your mom does not understand that you have an illness and she thinks you are willfully being irresponsible and dishonest. In short she does not understand that lying about going to college and some of your other difficult behaviors are a direct result of your illness. What is important now really should not be working or going to college. What is important now is for you to get the help you need and do the work you need to do to learn to manage your bipolar. If your mom could understand that this is your primary task, and that having the stability of a home is essential for you at this point, then she might change her ultimatum provided you commit to seriously working on your bipolar. Your mom now is probably in denial about your bipolar, too, and does not understand that you are ill. If she gets it that you are ill and not being willfully difficult, she might very well become more compassionate towards you. It also sounds as though you are becoming more open to accepting that you have bipolar, and to getting the help you need. This is an enormous step. I wish you the very best.
    TheLetterKaye replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    This is a big reply to all of you who've replied so far, thank you

    I've talked to her more yesterday, trying to explain to her why what she was doing wasn't a good idea for me. In response I got something along the lines of, "Well, I can't watch so closely over you to make sure you do what you need to do, but your dad (who I'm moving to) can." and, "You're setting a bad example for your little brothers."

    I think maybe that's fair? It still is a really big roadblock but, I mean, what can I say to that? It's true. Maybe it will be better for me to uproot now while nothing has really gotten quite started. It's just going to be a pain to get it all going again.

    I feel like I really need to hurry and get onto the best path to cope/control this problem. Right now, it feels like I'm spiraling out of control, (well actually at this very moment I feel fine, but a week ago... ugh. x.x I have a friend who has some serious depression and he says to me "Well at least you also get good feelings." Pfff, yeah right, cause having your mind so pointlessly busy you start to twitch is a good feeling. anyways...)

    @BipolarVet- I've had a good amount of time to really come to grips with it. When I first realized how very well my behaviors fit bi-polar, I had a crying breakdown right in the middle of school x.x But I'm getting passed the crap. It sucks. I hate this. But I'm going to do what I need to do, you know?
    monkey11 replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    Yeah, you get to have happy thoughts sometimes And sometimes you get to have so many thoughts it feels like your brain is spinning fast enough to take off like a rocket!
    My advice? Well, I got my official diagnosis about twenty years too late in my life to save me a lot of misery. Keep going to the docs, and find one you can have an honest relationship with. That is so important. And if you can, ask your Mom to go with you. Maybe if the doctor explains what it is that your are experiencing, she may be a little more understanding. Also, you should try to return to college rather than the work force. Finding a field you enjoy will be paramount to your success. I am just now returning, and I have been acting out the last week, but I plan to get back to it. The thing is, before I had my bbreakdown, I hated my job. We are special people, and sometimes I found it difficult to try and fit my unique shape into the square holes! Hang in there honey, you still have a lot of living to do. That's what I tell myself, and so far, I have made it a pretty convincing argument!
    jselleck replied to monkey11's response:
    Kaye, so been there, done that. My mom tried to refuse me entry to the house after I ran off to Georgia with "THE JERK". She even tried to have him arrested after I announced I was going with him. I sorta wish sometimes she had succeed in getting his probation revoked. Would have saved a lot of people a lot of heartbreak. Sigh. After I left him she did let me return, but it was a struggle.

    Might I suggest two books I've found really helpful to me? They are "Bipolar for Dummies" and the "Bipolar Survival Guide." I even sent my grandmother a copy of the guide and she says it's helped her to understand me a lot better. (I come from a family where any kind of mental illness is frowned apon.) Hope they can help you. They did me. Even got my husband to read them.

    Totally agree that a strong support system is vitally important to getting yourself together. This board has been a godsend to me and others. If you find yourself needing more, I suggest checking to see if NAMI has a branch in your area. They not only offer support groups for those suffering from mental illness, but educational classes as well for family and friends. Plus I think support groups geared just for them. Highly suggest them. I think their website is Or dot org. Not sure which. Wish you all the success in the world. Take care of yourself. Oh, and welcome to the board. Later.

    TheLetterKaye replied to jselleck's response:
    So here's a quick update. I made it to SC, with my dad and stepmom, been here for about 2 weeks. Transferred my health insurance, met my new primary care provider, and got a referral. I've been fighting with my parents here a lot because apparently even though I'm doing everything I can do, I'm not doing enough for them and "They won't support me doing nothing." I've also been examining some online college courses, because we're moving here soon, although that's been difficult because they won't let me use the house internet. I don't really know what they expect, this stuff takes time and I haven't been here that long. I haven't even had enough time for the hurt I'm feeling over being kicked out to fade.

    My parents don't even want me to bring up that previous therapists and counselors have been discussing bi-polar. They say I'm not. They aren't saying anything so overt, but I'm getting the feeling that they think I'm trying to "Use bi-polar as a fake diagnosis that will allow me to be lazy" or something like that.

    I've been having strong feelings that I won't get any understanding in this setting, and have already been trying to make arrangements or understand processes I can go through to leave here too. I will check out those suggested books 'n things though and see how those work first.
    bpcookie replied to TheLetterKaye's response:
    Hello Kaye, Im so sorry that your still going through all of this. I wish that I could say something to make everything better for you. Just know that we are here for you. There is always someone around to give you support. Hang in there. hugs
    WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie

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