Bipolar Disorder Community

First my backstory. I have apparently been bipolar II all of my life, but was only diagnosed a year ago. Before that I would occassionally get treatment for depression. In August of 2011, my world as I knew it fell apart. I started having headaches every day, days where I couldn't get oout of bed, and started going to work without make up. If you knew me, you would know that's a big deal. I thought I had a brain tumor or something, and went and got a neurologist and everything. All of my tests were normal, it was my depression. Finding that out crushed me and broke my spirit. I have had a traumatic life, and have always considered my self an in spite of it all person. I had great strenght, and joy in my soul. I don't have that anymore.

I had two 6 wk IOP stints with about three months between them. I could not return to work after the second one. I was in bad shape. Through this time, my husband was loving, caring, and supportive. He attended sessions with me, and tried his hardest to understand. Then as time went on, his patience waned. He began to miss the me that kept the house clean, prepared meals, and basically ran the household alone because of the hours he worked. When I decided to return to school as a way to motivate myself and boost my self-confidence, he became resentful.And verbally and mentally abusive.

Well that made me mad because here I was fighting the good fight every day, and he was putting me down because I still wasn't cleaning the house, preparing meals every day, and not grocery shopping. Now I can't explain why, but grocery shopping gives me severe anxiety. I think it's all the decisions. He was mad at me for going to school. He said he never wanted me to do it, he just agreed to shut me up.

I really was a mess, and in a lot of ways still am. Those of you who have this illness know that sometimes every single day is a battle waiting to be won. And some days you lose. I was very forgetful, and had a lot of apathy. I messed us up financially by forgetting to pay bills and not keep track of the check book. Our credit really got screwed up because of the loss of income and my neglect. However, I did ask him to help me. Several times.

I decided enough was enough and we needed an honest conversation. I was not prepared for the conclusion of the conversation. What started out with me telling him that I didn't appreciate his judgemental way of speaking to me, and how lonely I felt ended with him saying he was moving out.

I had thought we were going to work on it together. He has been gone a month now.We have been talking every day and seeing each other at least once a week. We would even hug and kiss. I thought it was a foregone conclusion that we would get back together. Then I asked him the other night if he had had any revalations about how he felt about me, and he said no. Well, that brought all of my positive thinking to a screeching halt. After a month? Really?

So today. It was coming, inevetably after that conversation. I hit the down and I hit it hard. I skipped school and chose to go to bed. I didn't want to face the world today. But because I really want to have my rock, I reached out to him. He gave me the speech about skipping school-blah blah blah. Like I don't know its not good. I'm depressed, not stupid. So, because I have had suicidal tendencies, and episodes of over-medicating in the past, he decided he wanted to come over and make sure I wasn't lying to him when I said I wasn't goimg to do anything.

What a mistake that was. The first thing he said was that I shouldn't have skipped school. That I was getting off to a bad start with this semester. Then the conversation evolved. He is angry. I keep pressuring him. He has nothing to show for his money that he works so hard for. He never even wanted this house. I still don't care because last week when he came over for his weekly visit with the kids, I didn't make dinner. (I was ill from the meal I had made the night before)

I don't know what to do.