First my backstory. I have apparently been bipolar II all of my life, but was only diagnosed a year ago. Before that I would occassionally get treatment for depression. In August of 2011, my world as I knew it fell apart. I started having headaches every day, days where I couldn't get oout of bed, and started going to work without make up. If you knew me, you would know that's a big deal. I thought I had a brain tumor or something, and went and got a neurologist and everything. All of my tests were normal, it was my depression. Finding that out crushed me and broke my spirit. I have had a traumatic life, and have always considered my self an in spite of it all person. I had great strenght, and joy in my soul. I don't have that anymore.
I had two 6 wk IOP stints with about three months between them. I could not return to work after the second one. I was in bad shape. Through this time, my husband was loving, caring, and supportive. He attended sessions with me, and tried his hardest to understand. Then as time went on, his patience waned. He began to miss the me that kept the house clean, prepared meals, and basically ran the household alone because of the hours he worked. When I decided to return to school as a way to motivate myself and boost my self-confidence, he became resentful.And verbally and mentally abusive.
Well that made me mad because here I was fighting the good fight every day, and he was putting me down because I still wasn't cleaning the house, preparing meals every day, and not grocery shopping. Now I can't explain why, but grocery shopping gives me severe anxiety. I think it's all the decisions. He was mad at me for going to school. He said he never wanted me to do it, he just agreed to shut me up.
I really was a mess, and in a lot of ways still am. Those of you who have this illness know that sometimes every single day is a battle waiting to be won. And some days you lose. I was very forgetful, and had a lot of apathy. I messed us up financially by forgetting to pay bills and not keep track of the check book. Our credit really got screwed up because of the loss of income and my neglect. However, I did ask him to help me. Several times.
I decided enough was enough and we needed an honest conversation. I was not prepared for the conclusion of the conversation. What started out with me telling him that I didn't appreciate his judgemental way of speaking to me, and how lonely I felt ended with him saying he was moving out.
I had thought we were going to work on it together. He has been gone a month now.We have been talking every day and seeing each other at least once a week. We would even hug and kiss. I thought it was a foregone conclusion that we would get back together. Then I asked him the other night if he had had any revalations about how he felt about me, and he said no. Well, that brought all of my positive thinking to a screeching halt. After a month? Really?
So today. It was coming, inevetably after that conversation. I hit the down and I hit it hard. I skipped school and chose to go to bed. I didn't want to face the world today. But because I really want to have my rock, I reached out to him. He gave me the speech about skipping school-blah blah blah. Like I don't know its not good. I'm depressed, not stupid. So, because I have had suicidal tendencies, and episodes of over-medicating in the past, he decided he wanted to come over and make sure I wasn't lying to him when I said I wasn't goimg to do anything.
What a mistake that was. The first thing he said was that I shouldn't have skipped school. That I was getting off to a bad start with this semester. Then the conversation evolved. He is angry. I keep pressuring him. He has nothing to show for his money that he works so hard for. He never even wanted this house. I still don't care because last week when he came over for his weekly visit with the kids, I didn't make dinner. (I was ill from the meal I had made the night before)
Try your best to let him go. It will take a while, even if the feelings are no longer there, because living with him has become habit and you have to establish who you are now, without him.
It sounds like he's just humoring you, letting you have your times with him and hugs and kisses, but then telling you nothing has changed. Try to get in the mindset of being free without him, of not needing him, and see if he changes his tune. If he wants to try to make it work, then fantastic ... if not, if he's still of the same mind, then you'll have already started the process of getting over him.
Good luck, monkey, and let us know ... I for one am curious as to what he'll do, whether he'll turn around and try to win you back, or just pick up his crud and move on.
:: Living is more than just being alive - Anberlin ::
We have set a time limit of two more months. I have already struggled with the limbo time of this month. He did say that he knew he is not in love with me anymore, but still loves and cares for me. He wants to wait and see if he can find the rest of it again. Frankly, I feel aggravated. Want to move on with my life, hate to throw in the towel on a sixteen year marriage. I skipped classes again today. I am going to bust my butt to make sure I end up with good grades. Thing is, I think I can see a positive future, but have no idea how to get there, which makes it just feel like pressure. Also, having wonderful terrible sleep, and we all know how good that is for us. Even though they bring me joy, a little hard to care for children right now.
You say you see a positive future - but what does that entail? Does it include your husband, or no? If no, then go ahead and do your best to draw the line (or multiple lines) and be the final word on ending things. That was callous of him to say, especially since he seems to be stringing you along, and although I don't know the entire situation, I still feel you'd maybe be better off without him.
How old are your children? Will they suffer if you take a few 'days off'? See if you can get a family member to watch them for a few days, a weekend or so, or possibly even your husband/ex. He's their dad, he should be willing to take them for just a few days (note, the use of the word *should*).
If the future seems to far away, make smaller goals and focus on those first. Pay attention and do well in school, so that you can graduate and get that job you want. Search for the job now and practice up on your resume writing skills, so when you graduate you can jump right into searching. Build references if possible - and get them in statements that you can keep and make copies of as necessary. Getting a job yourself like that will open a thousand doors for stability and independence.
((hugs)) ~ San
:: Living is more than just being alive - Anberlin ::
You poor girl Monkey!!! My past is sorta similar to yours. I've shown symptoms of BP since I was in High School, but wasn't diagnosed til I was 28. A couple of months before I turned 21 I met my husband and we hit it off immediately. We dated for about a year, then got engaged the following Feb. Although not on Valentine's day. We set a wedding date for July of 2000, and I was so happy. Unfortunately my family wasn't. My sister's reaction to our engagement was to slam her dorm room door in our face and say "So what?" My mom's was to fight with me over everything to do with the wedding including if she was going to attend. The final straw was for her to call the flowers I spent all day searching for for me and my attendants "funeral flowers." I was crushed and couldn't take the constant fighting anymore. So I called off the wedding and returned his ring. Then to hurt him even more I got involved with a real creep who was a diagnosed bper. He was not only physically abusive but mentally as well. After he almost broke my arm during one of our many fights I had enough and left the bastard moving back home. I was an absolute mess after I did that. After hiding at my parents' place for two months I was finally strong enough to move somewhere where the jerk would never think to find me and start over. Eventually my husband and I got back together and we've been married for 6 1/2 years. (We were smart and eloped.) I've been fortunate in that not only did hubbie forgive me for what I did, but he was the one who finally recognized my behavior for what it is and encouraged me to get the help I so desperately needed. I guess what I 'm trying to say, is it does get better. It's been a year and a half since my last hospitalization. Usually I'm in at least twice a year. And that's a good year. I'm what they call a rapid cycler and I have really really bad mania. Not to mention a horrible temper. That's from my daddy. Let's just say when Indiana was playing basketball and they were losing you could hear him a quarter mile away. Sometimes farther. Depends on how bad the calls are and who they're playing. Mom won't even let him watch the game at home anymore when they play Kentucky. He has to go to his buddy's house. But I love him anyway. Good luck with your treatment. Are you seeing a therapist?? A good therapist can make all the difference in the world. Have you tried getting your husband to see a marriage counselor with you?? Me and mine see one at least once a month and it's made a world of difference in our relationship. Or for him to seek counseling of his own?? Anyway, wishing you all the luck in the world. Nothing in my opinion is worse than an abusive person. Take care.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Any one of these situations can be stressful and together they can be overwhelming. .
I'm older than you and I went to depressed to full-blown bipolar symptoms in my 40's. I want you know is that it is possible to get back on track. It can take a long time and you might have to adjust your goals to be able to take the best care of yourself.
After my hospitalization, I still had problems at work and was cut when my company was downsizing. ( I wish I had known about the Individuals with Disabilities Act then). I was accepted into full time Disability Social Security soon after and was able to take one or 2 classes a semester at the local college. There were some semesters I could not take a class at all. I have had to accept the "different me". When someone meets me they don't see the bipolar ll symptoms, and my friends are supportive. My husband is now very supportive and my kids, who are now grown, are aware and usually are fine with it all. Sisters and sister-in-laws can be the worst.
The most important fact is that I have many more supportive people and you too can live through the storm. It will not be easy, but as everyone has mentioned to you, it is best to set short goals. They are easier to achieve and more seems more possible and satisfying as you go along
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I really feel for you. My husband recently divorced me after a very complicated and painful marriage together because of my bipolar disorder. I was manic and acted in ways I would not act now. I believe that every relationship can be healed, and God can work only the way God can, so pray about it every day with your whole heart!
Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and well wishes. It is good to know that I am not alone. I don't know where things between my husband and I are headed. I have decided that I cannot handle his flip flop behavior. He tells me that he is not in love with me and does not want to be married to me, but calls me several times a day, sends me text messages and always asks me what I am doing. I think that he does that because he is trying to gauge my mental health, and even though he said he was tired of having to worry about me, he can't help himself. However, I have decided that I am not putting myself in a position to be hurt any longer. His attitude has really made me think about what I deserve, and what I am worth. And I feel that he has been dishonest with me too many times for me to be able to trust him. He neglected to tell me for two years that he wasn't in love with me anymore, he let me make plans for a date he didn''t even want to have, and then after years of rare sexual activity, came over, had sex with me, said it was a start, and basically said he would be moving back home soon. Then all the next week he did not make any forward motion in our relationship, and on Valentine's day he did not even come to see me, but instead went to spend it with his brother and his girlfriend because they were grilling steak. At that point, I decided that I am not waiting around for him to gt his head out of his butt. All of this has greatly affected my depression. In one way, I am doing well because I am doing things that need to be done and caring for my children, but on the other hand, all I want to do is find my cave. It is so hard to have to put on the brave front for the children, who I must say are handling this like champs.
I have made the decision not to return to school because I am too far behind, and I don't have the focus right now to do the work. It upsets me, but feel that I have made a sound decision. also, I had my dog put to sleep earlier this week. He has always had some quirks, and acted a little aggressive, seemed more like intimidating to me, but he went after my son while they were playing and that is something I cannot handle. I consulted two vets, and they both gave me the same advice, so again, a sound yet incredibly painful decision.
So, that's where I am today on this beautifully grey Saturday mrning!!
I was just diagnosed with bipolar about 1 year ago. I am 77. Some years ago a Phyciatrist told me I was bipolar and put me on lithium. And my regular Dr. took me off and said I was depressed from life's experiences. But I can look back over the years and see where I had mania in mania. Didn't know what was wrong with me at the time. I have been in many situations where I didn't really know what I was doing. No excuse. I really look back and see this. I bought a book to read. Trying to find out more about it. I still wonder if Bipolar is for real?? Silly. Makes me wonder a lot. Maybe having a problem admitting that I am really Bipolar..
Betzy11, It is hard to find peace with your diagnosis sometimes! I will say this, I can tell now that I am on the right balance of medications that my moods and ability to control them are better. I used to have outbreaks of rage and when they passed, I couldn't figure out why I had reacted like that. That doesn't happen anymore. Just find a way to love yourself. I am sometimes still upset and feel like my brain/mind has failed me, but that simply is not true. With our illness comes gifts, too. Hang in there!
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