I just want my voice to be somewhere else right now, out of my head, so I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I know that I can do everything that my head is telling me I can't do. I'm writing this because I am frustrated from all of the "I can't do this anymore" and "I don't know where to begin" thoughts that are fueling the guilty and depressed feelings that I thought I was over. I'm writing this because I need to be done with the sinking feeling that follows me despite my new found energy. I think, yes, I am over this. But I just want to be normal, and stable; I want to stay that way. I was reminding myself that indeed my thoughts aren't always this negative, but when are they normal? It seems in my head I can either do nothing right or I can do everything right. It seems in my head I am either terrible or I am perfect. Where is the logic in that? Where is the normality? I am still frustrated. I am still unable to come to terms with the fact that I might never again be "normal," I might never again be stable. Do I have to settle for "oh, I'm not so depressed I want to die" or "oh, I'm not psychotic"? It would seem, YES, that is what I must settle for (praying that I get to even settle with that for a while). How is it that a normal functioning mind can just go so berserk? How can someone so in control become delusional? It just doesn't make sense and it makes me feel angry!
I feel that a lot of time myself. Can't figure out a plan either other than to change my definition of "normal." My normal is never going to be that line that everyone who I see as "normal". I walk a different line and I've had to accept that I am likely never ever going to be as "in control" as I once was. My normal is rapid cycling. Every day I wake up (if I can sleep) and assess...depressed or manic or somewhere where I normally function when I am "stable." It isn't fun. It's stressful, especially when I see that I am way up or sliding down. Then I end up trying to do 100 different thing to turn off that voice that says do it, start it, etc or you can't, you never will, fat chance etc.
For example, I haven't had full use of my right wrist since I injured it in July. Cortisone shots, brace after brace. And I couldn't schedule my surgery until after jan 1 because of insurance. The second they scheduled the surgery, I hit manic land and I started sanding and cleaning a credenza I've been meaning to refinish for at least 10 yrs. Obviously not something I can do with one hand, right? Then I was browsing around at art online and came across a family tree wall mural. Arm in brace, I moved furniture I shouldn't have moved on my own on a good day, let alone injured. Then I proceeded to sketch the whole tree out in pencil on the wall. But I had surgery a week later and haven't been able to paint the wall. Now my vision is screwed up and I'm manic and not able to do either. Both projects still staring at me unfinished everyday which is adding to the quickly building depression. A never ending cycle.
I am sorry you feel like this right now. ((((hugs)))) if you want them
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
Thank you. I saw your post about your recent experiences and I'm so sorry. I can't imagine having to deal with physical symptoms too. It is a terrible illness!
I had bad symptoms when I was a teenager but for the last 10 years have been stable other than a couple of depressions. But, then I stopped sleeping about a year ago and from there I completly lost it. It seems since then, I've had very little stability and it is so hard for both me and my family to adjust (if that's even the right word). I keep telling myself it HAS to get easier but then I just think what if it gets worse as I get older. It's scary to think.
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