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Too hard
ddnos posted:
For the past few months, I have been working with DVR to get help going back to work part time as I believe that I am ready to and actually, feel like I need to in order to help maintain stability. I get worse being unemployed.

So I've discussed with my DVR case worker all of my barriers to work, etc., and she has been great. We've continued to move forward at every set time. Last week, we got to the point of meeting with the two case workers I will be working with from another vendor. The majority of the meeting went well until the end when I became overcome with fear and anxiety and thus dissociated hugely. At that point and from that point forward, I couldn't hear a thing anyone said. I heard their voices, but it was like I was hearing a combination of words joined together as one. My body was shaking from head to toe and everytime someone started to talk, I jumped out of startle resonse. So, needless to say, I was concerned that what those people witnessed will be how they see me from that time forward because that was thier first impression of me. They got a good first impression as well for most of the meeting, but as bad as the bad part was, I'm sure that would be more "memorable" to them.

Anyway, the next step in the process was/is to meet with them in 1-2 weeks after paperwork was processed to determine an appropriate place for me to volunteer for 2-3 weeks to be assessed re work skills, etc. It would not be just any place, but somewhere I could see myself working.

So yesterday, I made an appt to see my former boss who works nearby as the Exec Director at a place for people with disabilities of any kind to ask if he ahd a place within the org I could volunteer for the 2-3 weeks. He was excited to see me and thought it was perfect timing. After I told him what i was there for, he mentioned a position where that person got fired last week that he thought I would do well at. He knows what I can and cannot do almost better than I do. So as we continued to talk, he started thinking how if I liked the position and they liked how I worked, I could possibly be hired for the job. He was introducing me to several folks connected with the job and highly praising me. It was nice. So when I got home, I emailed my case worker at DVR to tell her, among other things, she said she would foward my email to the vendors and that I could start voluteering there any time. As soon as she said that, I FREAKED! That was weird, because I like the boss, know him, know the place and everything, but the moment it bacame a reality, replied to case worker and said, "No no no no no....." wrote back again and said, "No no no , i was cited before utnil you saiid start now, and i hav to wait for vendors, i can start now, no no no" I surprised myselef. I've spent since july 2010 unemployed, do what and when i want to, and more the past several months, been having even harder time with self motivation that having to do this sent me through a tail spin. Then i just got an email from case worker say she wants to meet with me to talk about a few things, but didnt say what. I'm probably screwed. She probably gonna say she have to drop me because I'm not ready "in her opinion" And Im sure it looks like that, but I don't believe it. It's just going to be hard getting myselef going after unemploy so long. But at least if DVR let me go, I still have work with new boss that may even turn into employment. But I don't want to let myselef or him down by not being reliable. Sorry this so long. just venting. I will talk with my tdoc tomorrow with phone session, so maybe she "hit me upside the head" to get me on track. lol
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
bpcookie responded:
aaaawwww Debbie honey, I understand how you feel and why you said "no no no". Ive done the same thing, kinda sorta. I was a little manic once and decided that I wanted to work at the veterinarians office, so I put in my application and was so excited. Then a day later I panic. "Oh NO, I can't do this, no way." I was so afraid that they would call me that I didn't answer my phone for two weeks. So I understand the *freak out*. Big hugs honey and if you do get the job, I wish you lots of happy days at work. If you decide its too soon to work, then thats ok too.
WebMD Health Ambassador, BpCookie

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