I'm depressed every night for more or less 30 days but during daylight I always feel normal like I'm alive and I'm happy.
By depression, I mean I always feel worthless, nothing special, nonsense, no future. And then sometimes I feel like I'm crying, but no tears, crying inside myself, I hope you get it. Then last week I'm having tought about death. Not suicidal thought. I asked myself and picture me holding gun pointing in my head or jumping from roof top. Not suicidal though, more like "what if" thought.
I feel like that since I watched a movie that I got obsessed with. And by Obsess I don't mean like sort of 'light' obsession. I'm unccontrollable. I want to stop watching it but the other side of my brain is commanding me and i can't controll it. I know it isn't normal. Watching a movie for more or less 30 consecutive days and always feel depressed at night. This is not just about the movie. There times that I really get obsess with thing easily. I know something is wrong with me. I just can't go to a psychiatrist because we can't afford it. And I can't open this up to my friends and relatives and family.
I consulted this from other forums. They say I might have OCD.
I browse and found that obsession is sort of a mania, hence there were names like "name of obsession"+mania. So, Is there a possibility that I may suffering from sort of a bipolar category and my mania is how I get obsess with things easily?
I have been diagnosed with Bipolar about a year ago even though even tho some years ago a Phy said I was. I am still trying to understand this illness. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping anymore even though the Phy. has me on sleeping meds.. I mingle some but otherwise I stay mostly to my self. Are them maybe symptons also?? I am miserable with myself.
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