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Tuesday
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ddnos posted:
I got a call from one of my case workers the other day, and she told me that the place that I will be volunteering (at the place where my former boss is exec director) will be having a training for the position on Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. There will be other volunteers in training as well, which I didn't know. Also, the job itself was posted last Friday, so who knows if I will actually get the job or not. I do have one advantage over anyone else applying, and that is, the boss likes me. He was my boss for 3 years and he knows all about my mental illness and has seen some of my behaviors from that, yet he still wants to hire me! He doesn't even look at my mental illness as a condition of employment. He just knows what kind of work I do, and that I would be (according to him) good for the job. The job title is, "Independant Living Specialist."

So I was sitting here before writing this and realizing that Tuesday is just the day after tomorrow, and I want to just stay home. I am almost certain that once I were to go, I'd be fine, but for the past several months, my motivation levels come and go randomly. I'm so afraid that I will have to call in several times to say that I can't be there simply because I felt powerless to push myself to go. If I do that while I'm volunteering, I highly doubt he's going to want to hire me as a paid employee. It would be part-time -tentatively 28 hrs per week, which feels like too much. My former boss knows that I have to keep my wages below a certain level so that I don't lose my disability benefits; so we would have to play around with the numbers. He would also request a subsidy for me, which would raise the minimum I could earn.

Anyway, maybe I'm not ready to go back to work if the thought of volunteering is stressing me out. Likely, it's just because I haven't been working since July of 2010. I've gotten lazy and undisciplined. I just have to retrain myself. I feel like I'm going to explode as I just typed that!

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
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slik_kitty responded:
you can do this dd. if i was there i would kick you in the butt myself and make you go. he he he. you need this. it's the possibility of paid work. it's with someone who knows you. it's perfect, so you have to go.
 
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ddnos replied to slik_kitty's response:
Thanks Kitty - it's like I just wrote to my case worker...I'm not so much scared to do the volunteer because it's with my former boss who was THE best boss I have ever had, AND the fact that he ADORES me LOL (he really does!) The problem is that my level of self motivation has been down at the bottom of the barrel for even things that I want to do. It's random. Some days or moments i can do what i set out to do, but mostly it's where suddenly, a sense of completel powerlessness comes over me to where i literally can't just push myself extra hard to go or do what i need/want to do. I've never experienced thsi before at this level. I'm scared that because of this, I'm not going to be reliable.Not becasue I don't want to be, but because when whatever it is that happens inside, I can't seem to do anything about it. At least not now or for the past quite a few months. Some things, I can push myself, but seems so much of the time, I can't, and I'm sick of it - sick of me. This doens't mean that I'm going to quit. I'm still planning on going tomorrow, and maybe somehow, this motivation thing will run away and I'll be able to go every day without problem - I can always hope.

So, if you would be oh so kind, I would appreciate if you would come over every day that I will be scheduled to volunteer, bring a U-Haul truck, and throw my arss in it and drop me off. lol I would pay you in pumpkin pie ice cream. lol

Hugs
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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ddnos replied to slik_kitty's response:
PS Kitty - I just got an email from my case worker (after I sent her an email saying about how Im concerned about geting there) and she asked if anything she could do besides call. She said she could come by and ride the bus with me if need be, etc. Well, i don't need her to ride the bus with me because if I've got that far, i.e up and ready, the bus is the easy part. lol So, I said if she could just be here at certain time, that should hopefully be just the external motivation i need to make me get going. I love this organization - they really do whatever you need to help you be successful as possible. However, I DO feel embarrassed that i have to have someone come over to make sure I'm going since ive never had to do that before. But, if it works, eh? I don't think she'd have to do that for very long anyway.

Ok, gotta go
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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margaroo replied to ddnos's response:
Debbie,

Just know in your heart that we are all there for you. I will be thinking of you.

A hundred hugs,
Maggie
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
 
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monkeybee replied to ddnos's response:
Debbie,

I seem to remember a particularly bad night I had several months ago when you talked me up and motivated me. I know you can do it! You are more than capable! I will be thinking about you tomorrow!

((Hugs))

Sarah
 
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slik_kitty replied to ddnos's response:
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is your early morning wake up call. hope you have a good day!
 
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slik_kitty replied to slik_kitty's response:
i'm glad you are going to get some external motivation. hugs


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