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Not good enough/ worthless
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Sid6200 posted:
I know I'm a good person and always try to do what's right. My mother has a severe depression disorder,my mother and father are not together and we have always called her crazy although I know what severe depression is like. I'm close with my dad, but he still can't grasp the feelings and thoughts of a non text bipolar, which is me. I have been diagnosed with depression since I was eight. I have been thru everything as for as counseling and meds. I'm on the right meds now that works. I often feel like my father just disregards my thoughts, opinions, and anything I have to say as I'm crazy. No matter what I say or do is never good enough. I'm a single mom of 2 for 12 years and engaged to someone he introduced. Everyone has deemed my mom crazy, I feel like he thinks I'm like her. I am identical in looks and personality. My personality fits more my moms side of the family more. The commercials and drs say your not crazy if you have a depression disorder but in reality people think you are. I have tried to monitor myself over all these years and make sure I see my dr as needed. It helps but it hurts when other dont understand what depression is and what it can do. Right now I feel useless and damaged bc the way my dad talks to me and thinks of me. I know I'm not but it hurts so much it makes me feel like ok I am no good, I'm damaged. I have been crying now for 4 hours.
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monkeybee responded:
Hi Sid6200 and welcome to the board. I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now! You are not crazy and you are not worthless. You cannot control the way other people think and act toward you but their thoughts and actions are a reflection of them and not of you. Have you tried telling your father how you are feeling? Do you think it would help? Could you share information with him? The more educated he becomes about the disorder, the more understanding he will be. There are several great books on the subject if he is willing to read one such as the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. If he can't understand, please try to find a different support system filled with people who will not judge and who will instead listen and help. This board is a great place to start. You will find many caring, supportive, and certainly understanding people here. We've been there and we know what you are experiencing. You are not alone.

((Hugs))
Monkeybee
 
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Sid6200 replied to monkeybee's response:
I have tried with him, he doesn't like this sort of thing. He took care of me when my mom didnt. That's why it's hard bc I think he tries to avoid it and make me think like him. He is always telling me I can't control others when I don't try to. I believe he has his demons that he want share bc of the way he is. It hurts a lot when he makes me feel like everything I say is a matter of opinion although I have college education in areas he likes to dispute and ai also have experience in. He doesn't realize that heis trying to control me. And thank you for your reply and kind words
 
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ibex7 responded:
Hello Sid,

Before I share a little horror story of my own, let me encourage you to forgive your parents for the obviously imperfect people that they are. Gather your own muster, reason, and heart and make your life the best you can.

Mother had to begin working in a factory at age 14. She had an inferiority complex and a 10th grade education. My paternal grandfather always blamed my father for marrying below his status and dominated my Dad above our family. When I was 50 years old, my father made me leave the house because a video movie I brought contained bad language. He told me that the bachelor's degree I earned, "Didn't do me any good."

Following many crises from teenage to my second marriage,
that was my first crisis when I took control. Love your friends in a way that was always conditional at home. Allow yourself a spiritual life and search for a belief system. It helped me.

Perhaps seeing a psychiatrist would help your image building and you will find more joy in your life. Best wishes - goat
Sometimes you don't mean to say what you mean to say you mean.
 
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Sid6200 replied to Sid6200's response:
I started thinking recently how he is constantly bringing up controlling others when to me I'm thinking ok why was this brought up. I wish people would admit openly and honestly their thoughts and feelings instead of belittling others and the ones closest to them.
 
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Sid6200 replied to ibex7's response:
I understand ibex. My mom kidnapped me after being released from a mental institution prematurely bc of her manipulation ways. My dad did everything he could for his rights for me and trying to get me the same way she did, but I wanted to go with him bc I was scared of her. I watched her attempt suicide and chop her hair off, etc. the way my dad is really hurts bc I would think he would understand better than anyone else. I think he does but wants to forget about it, but he doesn't realize that I just can't do that. Also I can't be him as much as he wants me to be, so in a sense he is trying to control me. My kids are 10 & 12 , he loves his grand kids.but in my eyes I learned from my parents mistakes and have done better. After a while its just exhausting trying to prove yourself and it hurts.
 
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monkeybee replied to Sid6200's response:
It does sound like he is trying to control your opinions. If he is hurting you (albiet unintentionally), maybe you should isolate this part of your life from him. Maybe, especially since you are close to him, you will find with time he will be more accepting? Is there someone else you can confide in? I am very guarded about my diagnosis. I have told only a couple of people but those who know have been a crutch for me when I am unwell. It is so important to have supports that are just that, supportive. If your father is negative about this and makes you feel badly, try avioding the subject with him and turning somewhere else when you need it. Having a mental illness means you suffer from a biological disorder, it is not "you". I know its hard when you are close to someone, especially if that someone has been taking care of you, but if you can avoid having someone make you feel like you are crazy (you are not) or even that it is within your control (it certainly is not) then try to do just that.


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