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Over it
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melly2210 posted:
I just so want to give up. I am back to not sleeping, but not because I am manic, but because I am literally guarding dh. I know in my head that it's illogical. It's not as if I can prevent anything else from happening to him, but I am doing it anyway.

Then there is the worrying about me. The vision isn't improving in the right eye still. And the left eye seems to be declining a little bit as time goes on. I'm getting daily migraines on the right side of my head ranging from mild to severe. I HATE taking the Relpax because it's a triptan, but the PCP wouldn't give me anything else and OTC doesn't work at all. Don't see a neuro until the 14th. My current pdoc ruled out the conversion disorder which means it's something more serious. They didn't rule out a seizure, but I think the symptoms would have gone away by now. It's been a month. Which leaves....TIA. And I am worried this is going to be permanent. I know I can live with partial or full blindness. I can overcome that. But what if there was more damage than just my vision?

Ds1 is still not doing the best. His pdoc FINALLY put him on buspar for his anxiety, so hopefully he'll start testing better, especially with state exams coming up. He's got 2 D's and 1 F this quarter. And I'm just livid that the ex isn't doing more to help him. My hands are kind of tied with just 3 weekends per month. I'll have him at least over the summer, but he'll already be repeating his sophomore yr and socially that's going to be a disaster for him.

And as I sat in the diabetic class today, I realized that maybe ds2 needs to be screened because he has so many of the early symptoms that could be being overlooked because of his severe ADHD and subsequent meds. Another fight with the ex. UGH

I am just over everything. I won't touch finances other than to say I have to somehow overcome this fear and go out and find a part time job since dh can't do anything to help. Even with the TTW program, by doing so (physical and mental designation that said I would NEVER be able to work again) I might be risking my benefits. I am tired ALL the time and it isn't the depression tired, it's over everything else. There is so much to change and I just can't seem to do anything else but keep focusing on all the health problems.

The only relatively bright thing is I am regaining a lot of the range of motion and stuff in my hand and wrist, but it hurts like a mf-er because I am doing way more than I should. 2 months now and I should have healed completely, but nope. See? Again with the negative. I need a way to stay more positive.....I just don't know how. All my toolboxes have been emptied of the coping skills. Chronic illnesses stink. And the emergency ones make it all 100% worse.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
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