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It's Not True
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ddnos posted:
The following is a typical conversation when on certain topics. They do end up going further than what it shows here, but you get the jist.


I told her that it's not true
It never happened the way you think it did
It never happened at all
She tells me that I can believe what I want
I get angry with her
"What? You don't believe me? You don't think it's true?"
I raise my arm and slap it down hard on my leg
I thought you believed me?
I do believe you
Then why did you just say what you did?
Why did you believe me when I said it didn't happen?
I didn't
I said that YOU can believe what you want
So you believe me?
Yes, I do
I don't know why because it's not true
Nothing happened
It's all in my head
If it happened, I would know it
Not necessarily
What?
Dissociation makes you forget
But that doesn't mean it didn't happen
But your body remembers
No it doesn't!
Why are you doing this to me?
What am I doing?
You are trying to make me believe something that is not there
No, I'm not
I'm trying to help you listen to your body
My body is stupid
It can't talk
It doesn't remember anything
Would you like to talk about your uncle?
Debbie?
What?
Would you like to talk about your uncle?
What's going on?
I'm dissociated
I can't focus
What is your body doing?
Twitching
Tensing
What is your body telling you?
I'm here! I'm back!
My body is telling me nothing!
I'm just tired!
Debbie?
What?
What just happened?
I don't know
I mentioned your uncle
Then you dissociated
Your body started shaking and twitching
You were feeling anxiety
Then when I asked you what your body was saying
You snapped out of it
You didn't want to hear what your body was saying
You crossed over into denial
So!
That just proves nothing happened!
How?
I don't know, it just does
Can we talk about something else?

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
Reply
 
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ddnos responded:
meant to say, typical conversations with my therapist
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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slik_kitty replied to ddnos's response:
yep, you are in denial. just because you don't remember something doesn't mean it isn't true. as kids we can forget bad things that happened. it's how dissociation starts. we learn to dissociate from the world when the bad things happen so we don't remember, to protect our psyche. it could have something to do with why you have no motivation to do anything any more. it's time to face the past so you can move forward into the future.
 
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ddnos replied to slik_kitty's response:
Thanks for your reply, Kitty. I don't know what possessed me to write that in the first place. I know you don't believe me, and that's understandable, but I really don't think it's denial that I'm in. I simply don't think/believe anything really happened. I understand the nature of dissociation, but we (therapist and I) have worked on this issue off and on for about 19 years and I'm no closer to believing anything happened now then what i was back then. Nothing. Ziltch. Not even a part of a memory has come up in all those years. Sometimes I feel like my tdoc actually wants something to have happened so she can make sense of my world. Not that actually WANTED me to have been abused, but "wants" in the sense of clarity. I've told her that IF anything ever happened, then I haven't and may never be ready to face it because I would think that by now, I would at least know it in my heart even if I was denying it outwardly. So it's pretty hard for me to try to deal with something that I don't believe in my heart to even be there, you know? I think that's different from denial. It may look the same, but it's quite different to me.

Hugs
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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slik_kitty replied to ddnos's response:
it may not be to you, but it is to others. as you described, you had a very real reaction to the mention of your uncle. to me that says there is something there. you don't want to believe, therefore you stuff everything back down. it won't come out until you are ready to accept it, but the physical reaction will remain until you deal with it. hugs
 
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ddnos replied to slik_kitty's response:
know,kitty, but that is confusing part. cus if body have reaction but i still don't have any memory whatsover, it feels hard to deal with anything cus feel like there's nothing to deal with, you know? my tdoc and i have tried myriad of times in many different ways, and i have wanted to do so willingly, but still nothing. so one part of me thinks maybe there is something because of body reactions, but other part find it near impossible to deal with anything if i do'nt "See" anything to deal with. to me, it don't feel like denial, but simply i don't know an;ything. sorry these words are a bit out of sorts, i just woke up and having ahrd time and need to go to appt later but called her to ask could make it later cus don't know if can get myself going. not feel welel today so far.
thanks for your input and concern
hugs
debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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slik_kitty replied to ddnos's response:
hope you feel better today


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