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ddnos posted:
I've been having a VERY hard time trying to verbalize to my tdoc (or even myself or anyone else) what I have been going through at least the past 6 months, but likely longer. Then yesterday, I was finally able to put into words WHY I haven't been able to. I'm still not able to put it into words or process it in my own mind, but at least now I know why. Now I have something concrete that my tdoc can work with me on.

Also, upon reading what I wrote, realize that I'm not talking literally re the separation, though it's literal on a certain level. It's just the only way I can explain myself.

So it's just a paragraph, but for me, it's a huge breakthrough, and I look forward to talking with my tdoc about it.

" I feel lost; I'm not sure where I'm at or where I'm going. I have tried to talk with my tdoc about what I've been going through, but I can't, and I get extremely frustrated and angry with myself about it. It feels as though parts of me are functioning separately much of the time and each part is blocked from communicating with the other. I don't mean dissociated parts, but my mind, behavior, and emotions. I feel, but I can't look at it logically or figure out where it's coming from; I behave, but I can't even make a list of those behaviors because I can't remember what half of them are; I think, but there's no emotional connection. When I feel numbness and apathy, that's who I am at the time, and there's no amount of cognitive reasoning that I can fall back on to pull me out until a random switch of emotions or the mind occurs. More often than not, when asked how I'm feeling, I feel powerless to access the words that truly represent my heart. Then frustration and anger starts to boil within me because I feel betrayed by my own mind. Where has my ability to process my own issues gone? Why am I suddenly unable to understand my own language? Why does it oftentimes feel like the part of my brain with the answers is buried so far beneath the surface that I can't reach it? I am a whole person, but it feels like I have somehow entered into a random existence of disconnection from my mind and feelings; I am no longer whole."

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
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DizzyJgirl responded:
Wow Debbie. That is very well put. I feel that way too...and it is hard to express it. Most of the time I feel like I just give up or give in to not thinking or feeling.
I swear, just earlier (and yesterday...and the day before), I was thinking...I HATE my mind. I hate how it works or doesn't work. I feel betrayed too but right now, I feel like my whole body betrays me (shoulder injury, thryoid problems, weight gain).
IF I can ground myself enough to focus just a bit, sometimes if I start writing, I can open up that way.
Sorry, I am not meaning to make this about me. Just what you wrote touched me. I will be interested to hear what your tdoc says (if you want to share that is).
Thanks for sharing. Hugs!
Live Life Loud
 
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ddnos replied to DizzyJgirl's response:
HI DJ,

Thank you for your input, and I'm not glad you can relate. lol I'm still unable to put into words what I've been wanting to, but it actually helps that at least I know WHY I haven't been able to, you know? I know that my tdoc can work with that and she is so good that I have no doubt that she will be able to help me work through the "why" so that I can get out of this weird space I've been in.

I won't be seeing her until June 4 (tentatively) I will see her sooner if I have to, but I am planning and hoping for June because financially, it will be easier for me. But I will let you know the outcome (if you still remember by then lol) and thanks for being interested.

Take care and have a good day!

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown


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