I recently spent a week and a half in my local in-patient psych ward [very recently; just got out on Friday>. This is my fourth time in, and they're getting more frequent - my last in was just this past January.
They added lithium to my cocktail, in addition to what I already take: Lamictal, Celexa, Geodon, Wellbutrin, Trazodone, Melatonin, and a plethora of suppliments. So here I am, back at work again, and dealing with not only a major depressive episode but also the discombobulation of being on a higher dose of one and a whole new addition of lithium.
For the past year I've been contemplating leaving my job. I can't run the risk of disability denying me, so I'd have to go on indefinite long-term disability leave at work. This will mean less pay, and little to no spending money on average.
I'm contemplating this because work has become hell, a major stressor that I *used* to be able to handle. Now it's only compounding my issues.
If I do this though, I just can't shake the feeling that I'm being lazy, and quitting life in general. I know I can do things and become active outside of work, especially since I'll have all this extra time, but again ... am I trying to find excuses for justifying laziness?
If I do this, I can also go back to school for a medical coding degree (which is a year and a half, beginning to end), and hopefully get a higher paying job after its completed, also hopefully with less stress, or find a way to do coding from home (best option).
Someone please reassure me on this. Honest advice?
:: Living is more than just being alive - Anberlin ::
I think you just have to do what is best for YOU. I think you probably know the answers to this. It is a hard decision to make though. You are not being lazy or quitting life. You are helping yourself and making your life better. If work is making things worse for you, that is not the right thing for you in my opinion. It took me a long time to apply for disability. I have never regretted it and I am thankful for it. I never again want to be in that place that I was in when I was working and struggling so much. I had to just recognize and accept what my limits are. I am happy my friend can work, volunteer, take her daughter to extra actives, etc. I can't. Just the way it is. I had to realize that, stop comparing myself, stop expecting too much from myself. Good luck!
I was telling my tdoc about how I don't think I'm as ready to go back to work as I thought i was but was doubting myself...I told her that I haven't been doing well for at least 6 months, and my excessively high adrenaline levels are interfering with things now way more than ever, making it even more difficult to work. I told her about some things I'm working on with my doctor to try to lower my adrenaline levels, and thus, eliminating or lowering significantly the symptoms of such.....
My tdoc commended me for taking care of myself, and that right now, that's my priority, and that if I'm not well, I can't work effectively, and I would just be making myself worse.
So, I think the same could be said of you. Make taking care of yourself a priority. If working right now is only making things worse for you, then you need some time off to just work on you and get stronger so that in time you will be able to go back to work successfully - in your own time!
Trust your heart to decide what is best for you overall!
For me, the added stress of working with an organization to get me back to work part time is only contributing to the demise of my mental health. I'm not quitting - I'm just putting this on hold until I can get my adrenaline levels under control along with all the symptoms that go along with it, some of which are in the mental health category. When I get healthier physically and mentally, I can try again, and I'll have better chance of success.
Taking time out does not mean you're quitting - it just means you're taking care of yourself so that when you are ready, you can jump back in again, but this time, much stronger!
Take care! Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
Thank you so much, ladies! You're words are valuable to me. I also spoke with my brother about it (who I thought would be the worst of the criticism), and he said pretty much what ya'll did - that if I can financially be stable and comfortable, then go for it.
This most recent hospitalization really shook him up - he's never seen me be truly depressed and anxious before, and when he saw me after I'd gotten out, he hugged me for like 7 minutes straight.
:: Living is more than just being alive - Anberlin ::
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