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New to the site, hope my message doesn't have any triggers...
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BlueDiamonds84 posted:
Hi,

I read a couple posts and put that in my subject line because I don't want to cause issues for anyone who is reading this.

My mother is bipolar/schizophrenic, she abandonned my older sister and I when I was 6 months old.... never heard from her again. I have news that she is in a mental hospital in FL, but don't really talk to her, she is very unstable.

I grew up in a very abusive, home (sexually, emotionally, mentally, verablly and even tortured to a degree). Much of this I have healed from during intensive therapy.

I started having issues early on....... about 10 years old.... started missing a lot of school. I dred waking up EVERY day, I have lost several jobs due to this. I have ups and downs and was diagnosed with chronic depressive disorder.... was on many meds and saw Therapists for a decade. Meds NEVER helped, neither did the therapists. I am off meds now, for about 5 years, have improved a little and am a little more stable. But not enough.

It seems like the best I can do in life is barely hold down a job, have a little place to stay and a car. I don't have kids and just got engaged to a friend I've had to 8 years. But its not going well.... he is always upset with me... the sleeping in, the up and down moods, the inability to push through feeling certain ways... being unreliable... etc.

After much research, I think I have bipolar 2 disorder.... I have elevated moods but not full on mania. I'm tired of seeing doctors dont want to take meds again either. I feel like this enegagement is going to fall through, he is self-employed and doesn't have time for someone who doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to push through it. He has bills to pay.

I absolutely HATE this hell I feel... constant ups and downs, cant stay consistent with ANYTHING or even make decisions. I'm exhausted by this and I just feel that the best I'm ever going to be able to do in life is try to hold down a job, get a little apt and have a car. Keep to myself, and not even try anymore.

I've always had a lot of ambition, wanted to be self-employed, run a business, get married, have children, but I feel like this makes all of unreachable for me. I hate feeling like I welcome death if it were to come, feeling like I wish I could go to sleep and never have to wake up again. Im 28 and have nothing to show.... never had a job for more than a year, never had a promotion or got a raise and I am still halfway away from just getting my associates. I've moved all over the country several times too. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like just scratching to get by is the best I'll ever be able to do. I hate having this ambition inside me the desire to advance... because my mental disorder sabatoges it everytime. I don't have family or anyone I can really stay with, it's just basically me.... I feel so alone, misunderstood and frustrated.

I hope to find ppl here that understand how I feel, and maybe have experienced the same things... maybe explore new help.

Thanks for reading.

Rachael.
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bpcookie responded:
Hello Blue Diamond, its nice to meet you and welcome to the board.

I hate to say this but you must get back on meds. You need to find a good Pdoc who can put you on the right mix of medication. It may take a while for you to find the right mix but when you do, you will feel much better. You also need a good support system which means your fiance should learn as much as he can about Bipolar. My husband took the time to learn and understand and he has been absolutely wonderful and supportive.

If you take the right steps to improve your Bipolar symptoms, then things WILL get better. In the mean time, hang in there and keep posting.
Please join my community called GRUMPY GROUPIES ( http://exchanges.webmd.com/grumpy-groupies ) Fun and serious topics, nothing is taboo. So get on over there. Weirdo's are welcomed.


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