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Bi-Polar person struggling to maintain...everything.
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djangojimi posted:
Hello everyone, I am a 35 year old male, who was diagnosed as Bipolar in late 2011. My history includes alcohol and drug abuse, both of which I have abstained from since March 18, 2012. I state this as a sobriety date because I have attended and participated in Alcoholics Anonymous on and off since 2004, and during this particular stretch of sobriety I have not attended any counseling or 12 step program.
I am unemployed and trying to find stable, long term work (with an in-person assessment for a government job tomorrow, fingers crossed), and I am on my eighth day of taking recently prescribed medications of Seroquel and Benadryl (for both my Bipolar condition, and also to aid in nightly sleep). I have taken advantage of an Arizona portion of state covered health care for single adults who have been successfully evaluated as having serious mental illness (SMI).
My current struggles are so multi-layered that I really want to condense this entry in the hopes of not turning off anyone who will see this as convoluted or just over the top, regarding in-depth description. My current concerns are struggling with nicotine, caffeine, and pornography addiction. These problems exist beside the other underlying problems of not making money, yet at the same time not receiving both unemployment or disability benefits (both of which I've applied for; as a result, I'm receiving monetary help from my parents, and mainly my mother who recently retired after 37 years from her job).
I am an only child, and have always isolated myself from other people, with the exception of when I drank heavily in my late teens and early twenties, which was a time where I did socialize, but due to my heavy drinking and drug use, never progressed beyond the connection of substance use/abuse.
My main concern is that I have a problem returning to any 12 group system because of my spiritual belief structure being not only undefined, thus (historically) always clashing with the 'higher power' aspect featured in any and all 12-step programs based on Bill W. I am not feeling suicidal, but at the same time usually feel like I'm in an overall feeling of limbo on all fronts: spiritually, emotionally, physically. I am not physically disabled, as I'm 5'7", 145 pounds, with nothing preventing me from just making myself have a sort of daily regimen of playing basketball and swimming for roughly an hour. Due to my medications only being in my system for just over a week, I feel like I just have to give in to trust or faith.
I'm sorry about this run-on entry, I just figure I would put this all out there. One last main obessing issue I feel I should note: I have been a full-time online college student with NAU (in Tucson), have reached the level of senior with 105 credit hours, but have at the same time put myself on financial aid suspension because of two courses that I was unable to complete (and which I'm currently dealing with making my own appeal right now, in order to return back to normal financial aid eligibility).
In short, when I slow down and avoid useless and sometimes harmful distractions like sitting aroung and not doing anything proactive (spefically in my case watching movies or pornography for hours on end), I feel like I am close to having a nervous breakdown.
Any and all feedback or thoughts would be appreciated; whether they be tactful, harsh, or just general.
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