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Wife that lives with a bipolar person
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frustratedbeyondbelief posted:
First of all I am not even sure if I can get any advice. But my spouse has been dealing with bipolar now for almost since I have known him. Which was since 1988. Over the years he has just always been an angry person and I never understood it. He finaly got treatment after he harmed me and went to jail. Since then which that was in 2004 give or take a year he finally got the help he needed. BUT he has since just seems to be spiraling every year and he has now just started to seemingly get outrageously upset for no reason. I not knowing whether to turn left or right can be something to set him off. He also has severe depression. He seems like he looks to start an argument or any way to just be pissed. He takes 60mg of Cymbalta and Xanax. I have always tried to keep peace because we have 3 daughters. He does have a psychiatrist that he goes to every 3 months. I am not asked to go and surely made to feel like if I try to push my way to go he doesn't want me there. As if I am not giving him his privacy or I am trying to control him which isn't the case. I walk on pins and needles trying to figure things out like is he saying this cuz this is how he feels or is he saying these things cuz the bipolar is speaking. I am desperate for advice!!! His last episode last sunday left me in an amusement park for 8 hours with our kids and told me he can't stand me anymore and that our girls would be grown soon. Meaning I know where that was gonna go. I tries to not be upset and as soon as he can tell he tells me I don't get it. He is right...because then he was down for 3 days and then acts like nothings wrong....sort of. I can tell something is still underneath and all I can tell its depression and then to top it off he makes it harder for all of us cuz then he will do the self blaming game. I ride a yoyo so much that I am ready to call his dr. and not tell him. I know he is pretty hones about telling the dr. how his meds make him feel but I feel his psych dr doesn't really know everything. He at the amusement park handed my 10 year old the money out of his wallet and told her to give it to me because thats all I want him for. Now he has dragged our kids into it by leaving them with me and my family all day at Kennywood. I was is in disbelief that he would do such a thing. I text him and told him be mad at me (of which he really had no reason to) but not to ignore his kids. I just don't know anymore because then I start questioning me and realizing this can't be me or he is in a marriage he doesn't want to be anymore or he is just really a severe case of bipolar. I don't know it if would be mixed bipolar because of the depression. Help me make sense of this. He is so lucky I have tried to research read anything to help this man and he just acts like he can't stand to hear my voice. I just don't know how to not hear the horrible things that can be said to me.
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ddnos responded:
HI Frustrated,

I can certainly see why you would be frustrated from your post alone! I'm sorry that things are so rough right now.

You didn't mention if he is seeing a therapist or not - is he? Or is he just seeing a psychiatrist for his meds? Medications can be good for sure, and necessary for people with bipolar, but it won't change learned behaviors and ways of thinking that has him spiraling downhill. Just because he has bipolar, that does not give him licence to behave any way that he wants to. Mental illness is not an excuse, tho many people use it as one. He can learn to change his behaviors through therapy IF he wants to and chooses to. You can't make him do it or do it for him. Unfortunately, it's something he has to do for himself.

I don't know if he's ever laid a hand on you, but if he does, I would not put up with it and/or excuse him because he has bipolar. He needs help to learn to control his behaviors - he doesn't have to live the rest of his life imprisoned by his illness.

Maybe you could get some therapy to help you to cope and to help you to know what to do or not do in certain situations you come up against. Even just getting the support of a therapist could be a good thing for you if for no other reason!

I wish you the best, and you can understand some of his behaviors, but never excuse them. Bipolar was never meant to be a license to treat people like crap!

Hang in there
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown


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