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Needing to vent **TRIGGER**
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HelpKat posted:
Ok, just got back from my pdoc and am totally pissed. I spent yesterday with my Tdoc crying feeling hopeless. She was glad to hear I was going to see my pdoc the next day. So I have been getting very little good sleep and have been down the last week or so. I just went back on lithium 2 weeks ago "to see if it was doing anything" (according to pdoc) . So I show up today and tell him how down I've been the past week, not sleeping, just wanting to quit fighting for everything. He told me that we have to start looking at what's biological and what's self. So basically what I took out of the rest of the conversation was that he wasn't changing any of my meds, he felt my therapist would help me with this. He said that I'm very "smart" and that if I was maybe 40 IQ points lower I wouldn't be reacting this way to the stresses in life. That I'm a "bright" person and need to remember that. I need to think of everyday as positive and go in with an attitude of happy every day. I said I understand I have to make some changes, but i told him I'm done fighting ( meaning fighting to get good sleep, fighting to be the person I used to be, fighting to keep my job, fighting for a life I don't see changing) he tells me I need to stop fighting myself and give in to allowing happiness. I again said Its not about fighting myself, I'm talking about fighting for sleep etc. he said its 2 different things, but never addressed what I was saying.

So now I have taken from this conversation, its not meds its all my fault now. So to top off being tired (of fighting), I feel like he's not listening to what I'm saying. If he's not changing my meds then It's all me and I'm just too tired to put forth the effort. he kept saying he can get me the sleep, but its not that tired I'm talking about..anyone understand? theres more than just sleepy tired. I have 0 hope my life will be "normal" again, and I don't like who I've become and what my life is like. Yes, i know i can try to change that, but that takes effort, motivation, drive...none of which i have anymore...i surrender. They tell me I have control over this but I don't feel like i do (or have the strength to do it). As I put it to my Tdoc, I'm tired of fighting for a life that I don't see changing, I'm tired of fighting to keep a job I don't want anymore but need (for insurance), I'm tired of fighting to get good sleep and never quite getting there, and I'm tired of "this" whatever it is. I'm done and don't want this anymore. He sends me out with the same meds/amts as before and tells me to work on changing my attitude. So I'm pissed that (as I thought) nothing is going to change. I went for a drive on country roads (85mph) and hoped something would happen, since I have no fight in me to follow thru either. I came home had 3 shots of vodka, and am going to follow his advice to continue taking the pills as usual. He said I can take a few more Ativan if I need to to sleep. Which I plan to do along with the sleeping pills and the alcohol. I started a new drinking game, every time he uses the word "smart" or tells me I need to be constantly "challenged" I get to drink a shot of vodka. 3 times he said it in the 20 minutes I was there (may have said it more but tuned him out a bit) so i took care of that when I came home, now off to bed.

Just needed to vent and as I thought, this is all my fault and nothing's going to change. Thank for listening to my "woe is me" story.
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Joseph F Goldberg, MD responded:
Dear Helpkat,

Beware mixing vodka with Ativan...potentially a lethal combination.

Dr. G.
 
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HelpKat replied to Joseph F Goldberg, MD's response:
Thanks for the warning, I didn't know that....but I'm not that lucky. After 4.5 oz 70 proof, 1(or2mg) Ativan, 150mg trazadone, 450 lithium an hour and a half ago, all I have is no sleep and my heart just pounding away. Yippie for me. Thanks again for replying.
 
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bpcookie responded:
Hello Kat, You can't count on medication alone. As you said, you need to be willing to put forth the effort. You don't have to try to change everything in one day, just take baby steps. Do small things to improve your situation.Every little small thing you do, will equal big things later on. Then you will see that there is hope.

Please take care of yourself. No more mixing your medication with alcohol. (trigger) You really don't want to die. You wrote to us for a reason, you needed to talk about whats going on, you needed understanding and you needed advice.

I hope you get on the right mix of meds soon and that you start taking those baby steps. Be good to yourself.
Please join my community called GRUMPY GROUPIES ( http://exchanges.webmd.com/grumpy-groupies ) Fun and serious topics, nothing is taboo. So get on over there. Weirdo's are welcomed.
 
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HelpKat replied to bpcookie's response:
I appreciate the post but honestly you've got it wrong. I know I have to work on me as.much as meds have to work on me too. I feel I have been, but when I'm this tired...of everything...what is there to continuing to fight for? (Rhetorical, not asking for a response). I nearly wanted to vent what had just happened as documentation for my family someday. Sure I had hopes I might not wake up, but I'm not a lucky enough person to get hit by a truck, or have a terminal illness, or accidentally fall of a roller coaster ride. Luck is only with me when I don't want it.

So I go to work today only to hear thru the walls the boss making comments about me. Comments like "what does she think she's doing shock therapy?" Then several other girls in that office were laughing and playing off that. This is how my life is going. This is why it needs to end. If the pdoc is saying he's done all he can do with meds and the rest is up to me, then I choose not to.

So again tonight...I write. 3shots vodka, already at 2mg Ativan heading for my third, 200mg trazadone and 450 lithium. Hoping tonight might be it. I might actually get lucky. If not ill just keep upping it until I do.

Thanks for trying to help, but sometimes a person just needs to vent and walk away.

Kat
 
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ddnos replied to HelpKat's response:
Kat, it sounds to me like you need to check yourself into the hospital to keep yourself safe. You are clearly suicidal and continue with behaviors that could end your life, i.e. mixing ativan and vodka, something that you are hoping you will be "lucky" in it succeeding in ending your life.

I hear that things are very difficult for you now and you feel that it's a hopeless cause - but really, there IS hope. If your current pdoc is saying that there's nothing more he can do, then by all means, find someone else who can help you! Don't give up just because one doctor out there doesn't appear to know what he's doing. You are NOT a hopeless cause! There is help for you out there somewhere! I don't know specifically where it is for you, but you will find it! I don't remember if you have a tdoc and if you do, if that person is helpful for you; but if he/she is not, then again, find someone who is! You don't have to stay with doctors or therapists who aren't helping you! You have hired them to help you and you can fire them if they aren't! Hold onto the hope that you CAN get better! You may not know how at this point and time, but if you hold on to it and truly believe it, you will be amazed at how your outlook will change! Your situation may remain the same for a while, but you attitude will give you strength!

BUt please, if you are seriously wanting to end your life, check into a hospital first! Call your tdoc, but do something because you don't want to do something so drastic and permanent over something that CAN get better - even though you don't feel that to be true right now.

Hold on!
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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HelpKat replied to ddnos's response:
Appreciate the thoughts. But tonight is all about pushing the limits and showing them!
 
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ddnos replied to HelpKat's response:
what do you mean by that?
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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HelpKat replied to ddnos's response:
I've pushed the limits on drinks and pills so ill see what happens. The boss at work would rather I not be there, maybe it will come true. Pills are in vodka is in. I'm off to bed. Night.
 
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ddnos replied to HelpKat's response:
Please don't play with your life like that! Who cares what your boss thinks! Why give him that kind of power over your life?

I hope that you decide that it's not worth it to "push the limits" tonight, but would instead, do something to take care of yourself to PREVENT yourself from doing something so destructive!

If you do end up drinking and taking ambien, I sure hope that you don't end up permenantly disabling yourself rather than "getting your wishes" That could happen, you know? Is that what you want?

Ultimately, it's your choice. If this is what you want to do, and you're not willing to fight it, then no one can say or do anything to make you choose otherwise. I hope you make the choice for life - a choice to continue to live and fight for yourself!

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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bpcookie replied to ddnos's response:
Debbie is correct, you may end up permanently disabling yourself. A friend of mine wanted to end her life, so she O.D. and ended up ruining the inside of her body. Now she is suffering and very slowly dying. Now she wants to live, but its too late for her. Please don't make it too late for you too.
Please join my community called GRUMPY GROUPIES ( http://exchanges.webmd.com/grumpy-groupies ) Fun and serious topics, nothing is taboo. So get on over there. Weirdo's are welcomed.
 
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HelpKat replied to bpcookie's response:
As i said ...no such luck. I'm still here, went to work, saw EAP counselor who said she'd try to help coordinate between my pdoc and Tdoc & my boss. but shes gone for a week now. Meantime boss was still being tough and inflexible. I called her out in an email about what she was talking about(me) yesterday. No response. I was so drugged at work on Ativan I just stared at the computer and did some online trainings. Just waiting to get home. Am home now and 5.5 oz vodka later am ready for sleep. Time for pills and sleep.

Thanks for your words of wisdom and , you tried your best. But anyone who knows me knows I am stubborn and this is something I want to do, just have to work my way up to the amounts that will do something. Happy weekend all!
 
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bpcookie replied to HelpKat's response:
Well if your that determind and our words wont convince you that life is worth living, then I guess there is nothing else we can do for you. All I can say is, I hope it will all be worth it when you end up with kidney failure or your liver is damaged, or you end up brain damaged, not a nice thought is it?
Please join my community called GRUMPY GROUPIES ( http://exchanges.webmd.com/grumpy-groupies ) Fun and serious topics, nothing is taboo. So get on over there. Weirdo's are welcomed.
 
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HelpKat replied to bpcookie's response:
While I appreciate the sentiment of your reply, the fact is that I have made sure now that its all or nothing, there will be no chance for anything in between (i.e. kidneys, brain etc)I am however postponing it a bit, thanks to (trigger) God or Devine intervention. Im not the most religious person but i prayed this morning for god to give me a sign that things were going to change. God sent me a sign today that told me I need to think harder about this. And so I will but not for long.

Like the story of my life; even to the end I am trying to please everyone else in spite of me living in hell to do it. When's it going to be my turn to do what I want? to not give a darn about others as they have done so many times to me? When do I get to be at peace? When do I get to sleep without everything hanging over my head? When can I enjoy life and not worry? I don't see any of that happening anytime soon.

As I've said before I appreciate everyone's replies and trying to help, as my first post was titled, Vent, that really all I was looking for. But I do appreciate this group. You are all very caring.
 
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ddnos replied to HelpKat's response:
I would appreciate it you not play suicide "fish-hook" games here, i.e. throwing out an "i'm going to kill myself" line that is intended (knowingly or not) to hook people in emotionally. If you when feel suicidal but aren't going to do anything about it, then say that...let people know that you feel so bad that you want to die, but that you're not planning on doing anything about it. It's more of a themometer to indidcate your pain levels. But to keep throwing out suicide comments that are no more than fish hooks is a game that I'm not interested in playing. I'm not saying that I want you to kill yourself or shut up, but I'm saying that unless you REALLY want help, it's not fair of you to keep talking about suicide on these boards where none of us can do anything about it to help, and you have no interest in helping yourself. You need to seek help where you can indeed get help and not keep threatening suicide so that people can flock to you and be concerned and try to convince you not to do it, etc. That's not the kind of attentio you need nor do I want to give. I'm not saying that you are doing this for attention on purpose, but nonetheless, it IS an attention seeking behavior of the worse kind. It's like you were sitting on your computer just waiting for someone to reply to your post each time, and as soon as they did, you were right there!

Like I said, I don't want you to ever kill yourself, but I am also not interested in playing games of this nature with you or anyone. From this point forward, you will hear no reply from me on the topic. YOu know what you need to do to get help and to come on this board and tell everyone we'll see if I get lucky tonight (with suicide) is cruel. Get help!

Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown


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