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To tell or not to tell....TRIGGER...need advice ASAP
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melly2210 posted:
ds1 landed himself an involuntary stay in a crisis unit for what I felt were some serious ideations and a possible plan. Of course his father felt that it was unnecessary until the hospital Baker Act'd him. They haven't been getting along at all...zippo...angry and screaming on both ends followed by deep deep deep depression for ds1.

Anyways, ds1 told me he had had a convo with a friend via fb im in which he scared the crap out of her enough that she decided to rally the troops and meet him at the local mall to see him just to be sure he was ok. He, of course, slapped on that all is ok mask we know so well. He'd deleted the IM because he didn't want his dad to see it since his dad invades privacy like that all the time. Anyways, I txt the friend and asked her to call ASAP and that ds1 needed her help. She wasn't able to do so until after we'd admitted him and I came home to check my email.

She cut and pasted the discussion that had gone on via phone thru fb. And what my son said was downright scary and so very very sad. It was such a cry for help. From anyone. But the ongoing theme in it was his dad, his grandparents and how he feels about them. I am going to print it and take it with me on visitation tonight. His dad had mentioned last night he expected and wanted a copy.

Now you all know how I feel about the ex. But I also know that if he sees/reads this conversation it's going to cut his heart out. Heck, it stunned me so much I couldn't even cry at the sadness of it all and it wasn't about me. Ex has not been in such a great place himself lately. He's alone in a big empty house with nothing but a dog to keep him company. And I am afraid this is going to push him over the edge. Hurt him so deeply that I am not sure what he will do in response. So my conundrum is this: Should I print and give him a copy or say that I never received it to protect him? Or should I let him have it? He needs to know what is in it, but maybe with a professional present to help him process it. Part of me, that tiny little voice inside that resents him and maybe even hates him a little bit, says give it to him and if he looses it so what. Then there is another voice, my conscious, that is saying no. That if I do this, I will feel responsible for the aftermath. That my son will feel he caused this. That my son will resent me enough to stop telling me about what his going on and the possibilities of what may happen if that happens.

I am so scared, confused, dying inside for my son. I am trying my best to think clearly, to keep my own emotions from interfering with what must be done. But I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to pull it off. When a completely blind person that I just met Monday looks at you and pointedly asks "What is so wrong in your life? Your energy is so completely off." If I can't hide it from someone that distant to me, how do I hide it from those who know me? I can't. And this time, I have absolutely no idea what to do about this conversation......

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
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ddnos responded:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry about what's going on for your son! I can't imagine how hard that must be for you!

Re the letter and knowing if you should let your ex read it or not...you do have a therapist, yes? I would bring it and read it to him/her and ask for his/her insight into the matter. Maybe you can get some things cleared up about it through therapy, huh? I know that when I've been in present day situations where I really didn't knwo what to do but wanted to do the right thing, I talked about it with my therapist because I trust her wisdom and insight. Not that she's always right, but with stuff like knowing what to do when I didn't have a clue, she has always been spot on. So maybe you could wait until you see your tdoc before doing anything, huh?

Again, Im sorry for all that your son is going through and what you are going through as well.

Hang in there
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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melly2210 replied to ddnos's response:
I debated and debated and debated whether or not I should. We met at the center to visit and he's sulking and being a butt head. Said quite a bit about how much this is hurting him instead of it all being about ds1. Ds1 requested that he have no visitors tomorrow. I had a counselor go out to tell him that. And afterwards I told him we'd keep working on this and he replied what did it matter...it's just not working out. I about had a fit. Told him he wasn't breaking up with a gf it was his SON. So he tossed in my face that while hubs and I swapped out that ds1 had told him that he wished things were the way they were before the divorce and that he told him that I loved hubs and he loved me and that wasn't happening. While hubs was standing there. So I told him I would email him the conversation. I was home less than 1/2 hr and he called me to tell me he felt ds1 was completely delusional in this conversation and none of it was true. I swear to God, I wanted to crawl through the phone line and slam his head on the ground repeatedly going "How long is it going to take for you to get that this is your son's perspective and feelings even on a GOOD day?" Oh, and while we were visiting, he asked ds1 if he wanted to live with me. Ds1's issues all revolve around disappointing people and the fall out of his choices and decisions. So just what he needs less than 24 hrs in a crisis center. More pressure. He had to tell the case manager and pdoc who is seeing him "I don't know. Ask his mother. He doesn't talk to me." I am sooooo in the middle of this.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson


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