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deinial and blaming in the adult daughter with bipolar disorder
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An_253404 posted:
I am the mother of an adult woman who was diagnosed with bipolar more then 20 years ago. She is now 38, and denying she is bi polar and has been refusing to take her medications. She recently was married for the second time, and her current husband does not believe that she is bipolar at all and, and supports her decision not to take her medications.
As most people with this diagnosis, she has been in the denial stages in the past, and stopped taking her medications as well. Every time she begins this cycle again, the relationship between the two of us becomes very strained, and once again we are no longer really speaking with each other. As in the past I attempted to reach out to her to re-establish any relationship with her, and as in the past the cost to me has been very high emotionally. My adult daughter blames my for "all" her pain, as well as any thing in her life that has not gone according to the way she has wanted it to. I have attempted to support her, and encourage her without success. No matter what I say, she has indicated that she does not feel that I am supporting her. Her contention is and has been in the past that all the negative things in her life are caused by me. She is unwilling to accept any apology that I offer, unless I "accept' the ownership as the causative agent for all her pain. When I tell her that I "am sorry that you feel x, w or z" and that I am sorry that she was hurt, feels that way or whatever, she becomes even more incensed. She has told me that I need to accept that I am responsible for all the terrible things that she feels, believes and "knows" that I have done. She truly believes that any time that I have said, or done something that has hurt her feelings, that I am doing it "on purpose" and with "malicious" intent. When she is taking her medications her perspective is not abusive, and she does not verbally attack and blame me.

I do not share the same perspecive. I am not willing to accept that I am purposely cause her pain, nor do I acept her contention that I do this with a totally malicious intent. I believe that the perceptions that we have regarding everything from what was meant by a comment, to even if the comment was ever made, are very different. I contacted her to speak with her, and see if we could just try and move forward, forgive and forget. BOTH of us having said things to each other when I got in a huge fight. My daughter is a very different person when she takes her meds. As she is not her meds, her coping skills are compromised. She has stomped her feet, screamed and yelled at me, called me awful names, and told me very ugly things that she believes to be true. The message that she gives me is how much she does not like about me, how "selfish, self-centered" and malicious I am. She is adament that I have abused her, and that I have "never" put her first, nor have I "nurtured" her especially in her adult years. I am divorced from her dad, whom she does hot say this stuff to. I have a strong, confident personality, which he believes is part of the problem. My ex has reinforced my belief that my daughter really is bipolar, that her understanding and memory regarding how I treated her is not real or clear. If her cycle follows the patterns that it has in the past, she will swing back in about 18 months or so- become very despondent and admit that she does need help. She is unwilling to do therapy, so I go alone. I hope that by posting this the parent of anyone with bi polar will understand that they are not the only ones to have to deal with an abusive child. That the mental disease does not stop at 18, 29 or whatever and that for some bi polar people the struggle to accept the diagnosis and TAKE medications is a life long process. I hope that others that have tolerated verbal abuse recognize that we, as parents are not perfect, but we do NOT own an adult child's consequences of their decisions. NOR are we reqired to accept the abuse.
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stephiebaby323 responded:
I hate you are going through this but it made me feel somewhat at ease knowing that you are going through some similar things as I am with the father of my children. It is extremely difficult to know in your heart that you have done everything to make them feel loved and supported and never get recognition but accused of everything negitive. Everytime I try to express my emotions, he shuts me down, twisting my words and blames me for something else. Thank you for sharing!


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