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Bipolar partner in extreme low for 8 months, no idea what to do
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An_253418 posted:
I have been living with my bipolar II boyfriend for 3 years. To friends he appears charismatic, reportedly kind of a "douche bag", but I always thought it was funny and charming in smaller doses and not all-together serious. When it's just the two of us & he was stable, he was capable of being very sweet and affectionate. We could talk about art, literature, and science. He too understands the darker side of life. We relate. I adored him for those things, but I didn't get that side of him always. For the first two years, he was prone to raging at me, emotional and physical abuse (nothing more than kicking, shoving, and choking), but between those episodes he functioned. He held down jobs, was able to converse with me and joke. Our sex life was never great. When we first fell in love there was an initial passion, but he had some pretty high demands that I was reminded daily of how I wasn't meeting them. A year and a half in he admitted to cheating on me with sex workers, all the while we were still intimate. Of course I had known about the cheating and accused him many times over, to which he would always deny. I would say "I don't care about the cheating. You can get past that. What I care about is that you're lying to me" and he'd still deny it. It wasn't until he blew through his entire savings account on pain killers and paying for sex that he admitted to me what was going on. I wanted to leave him then, but he promised we'd see a couple's therapist together and show me the person he wanted to be. We went together for half a year, and nothing came of it. We mostly just sat there while he told his life story each session, blamed his illness and problems on his parents, and did not really work on how he could be more honest or what I could have been doing that was so aggravating.
For the last 8 months, he has been without a job and slipped into the deepest depression I've seen him in. I pay all of our bills and rent. I mean all, unless he remembers to file his unemployment, in which case he then contributes a bit. That is really helpful and I try to let him know how much I appreciate his effort when he comes through. But he never acknowledges positives in life anymore, always saying that as long as his life is this miserable he can't do anything. He's essentially "stuck" and I should just leave him alone. He keeps repeating that once he gets money (he's trying to get his family to lend him some) he is moving away to Canada. Apparently he's been screwed over by American working culture too much (he works on the business side of tech) and doesn't trust this country anymore. Clearly I'm not in this equation, I get that he hasn't loved me for a long time and needs to do what he needs to stay alive. He had suicide ideation a few months back and was institutionalized for a few days. It didn't help. He is on a crappy HMO (has been for his whole life) that doesn't offer proper, attentive psych care.

I understand he is in a deeply depressed state and cannot be held responsible for most of his actions. But my life now is spent cleaning up his messes in the house so we don't get mice/insects, his laundry, excess dishes, I'm basically his mother. He has no where else to go, but I can't keep doing this. He . . . treats me like a dog. If I walk in the room he screams obscenities at me for just my presence invoking stress. Two flat screen televisions have been broken because I started crying, among lotssss of other objects. He's threatened me gravely if I were to kick him out.


My job has excellent benefits that are of no cost to me. Even though we are not married, I was able to put him on as a domestic partner at no cost. There's no limit to behavioral health visits. This could help him make progress in stabilizing. However, what astounds me is that he won't take advantage of these health benefits. He is refusing to get help. Once again, if I bring up the topic I'm met with angry screaming about how this is "too stressful".

How do I help him?
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staysane20 responded:
my husband was just told(Friday) he has bipolar, but not sure which one. I have been with him for 12 years and dont think the treatment and meds will work for him. He also drinks a lot. My oldest sister has bipolar 2 and I know what you are going through. she has been in and out of relationships and in and out of hospitals, so to understand this disease is really hard on those whom love them. so far what I do know is you have to get him some help other wise, for your safety leave him!!!! I am thinking bout leaving my husband, but the hard part is that he has no one, no friends or family. so I am his caregiver and friend. thats the hardest part because u are in this love thing and caring for this person, walking away is very hard because they will call everyone you know and hunt u down.I have left 3 times lost jobs and lost a lot of money before i found out what was wrong with him. I had to commit him for them to find out what was going on. if you choose to stay you need to get help for your self also and lots of support, because it can take a toll on you. it has on me...also try to read as much as you can on this disease.


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