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Saturday rambles trigger?
ducky200318 posted:
I don't last night was last night...again I did everything I was told I needed to try and it didn't work for her so I wa left already anxious because we were going anxious because I felt as though I did something wrong to me being mad to then sad to then talking it out and finally making it a subject I do not want anymore long indepth analyzing discussions about. I have a wonderful wife we are blessed to have families that except us as a same sex couple. We live in a state where we were able to get married. But like I said in a discussion topic we have an elephant in the room, I have been raped twice once long before I met her at a party I was drink and had had something slipped on my drink and then a second time after I had been living with my now wife then girlfriend at our home on the middle of the day by someone I did not know they said they were there to service the furnace they weren't. The elephant in the room I'm referring to is that she does not believe that that could have happened we lived in a trailer park then why didn't I scream she asked why didn't I fight back I don't know why I went mute or why I froze I just know that he was there I did not imagine it or have some guy over and say it was rape to get out of something he came kinda early for a service call and I just went into this routine mode for what seemed like days now I know I was dissociating I didn't have the clarity to tell her for a few weeks after it happened. I am trying to accept that she doesn't believe now or that she never has I ah e a therapist I haven't told her that my wife does not believe the second one I have all theses fears because I am dissociating again or what I call losing time... I am not sure what to do I am going to therapy and using the grounding techniques but I am very scared, but it's a unknown like in the put of my stomachs but I am unsure of what I am so terrified of exactly so that amps upy anxiety...I feel a lack of support when it comes to things with my wife, she doesn't want me in therapy she says we left that mental health work why can't you deal with this on your own if I could I would but I can't I need help and I have recognized that and am doing the healthy thing and getting help I think the lack of support is hindering me but I am just going to have to learn to live with that. My rambling is making me feel better this morning.
ddnos responded:
Ducky, I'm really sorry that you had to go through that trauma, and then, having your wife not believe you! For me, I think her not believing me would be the worse part!

I read an article that you might be interested in reading AND having your wife read. It's title is, "Freezing During Rape is Normal" The author explains the whole physiological aspect of our bodies during trauma and tries to help women to accept and understand that just because they froze and didn't fight back, does NOT mean it was their fault or invalidate their experience at all.

So maybe if your wife could see from an outside force that what you did in that situation was completely normal and is not an indicator (in her eyes) that it didn't really happen.

I'm glad that by posting here has made you feel better this morning!

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown

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