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    melly2210 posted:
    On Monday, I left the house, walked 4 miles and rode a bus to the ER who has an inpatient psyche ward. I just couldn't take it anymore. Between the going blind, the financial issues, the personal expectations I have to remain as normal as I possibly can and all the obstacles I face, and hubs multiple relapses where I am backed into corners. I've had to empty the checking account and disable the car this time. But he found it all. On the way to the bus stop I took out what posted overnight. Before I left, I wrote a long note about where I was going and that I just couldn't handle life anymore.

    When I arrived I told them I was having ideations and was beginning to formulate a plan. I did not want them sending me back home. Of course I was admitted and somewhere around 1 or 2 am. They took away my cane, tried to put me in a wheel chair (if I was having difficulty navigating a new place with a cane, I have no idea how they thought I could do it with a chair). I understand that it could be a weapon, but I lost it when they took the cane away. They put me on a 1:1, 24 hrs a day which meant I had no privacy to shower, use the restroom or even sleep.

    Hubs finally returned from his binge sometime the next day and finally called me. He was upset that I had gone alone. He wanted to be there for the intake. I'd told him the day before I needed to go during one of his trips in to tear the house apart for $. He promised to visit that night and he did. He apologized over and over and of course made yet another promise it wouldn't happen again.

    The pdoc understood exactly what I was going through and up'd my klonapin and added gabapantin. I got two doses in before bed, no time to see if ok. At 5 am, they wake me to tell me I have an emergency phone call. I haul ass to the phone tripping over things as I went. Hubs. In tears. Telling me he binged again. I've never heard or seen him cry in all the years we've been together. He tells me he sold meat our of the freezer and a few other items to fund it. It doesn't help that I gave him all of my personal belongings that were in the safe, including the money. BIG MISTAKE. He begs me to please come home. Pitifully. And I am torn. I still am not ready to leave, but I know if I don't there might not be much of anything in the house food-wise or electronic wise.

    So I fabricate an excuse about my mom having had a massive heart attack and that I am her medical proxy and need to go. I lie again to the pdoc and tell him I'm better and can do this outside that the meds were working. After my initial meeting, he took me off the Baker Act and made me voluntary, so I knew I could walk out. I was discharged and hubs came and got me. But on the way home, we picked up step-daughter and grandson to LIVE with us. The house isn't ready. Dynamics haven't been discussed. A toddler of 15 months into everything. Non-stop chatter, non-stop No's. I am going to have to move bedroom furniture from our room to the other because our is bigger to make room for the boys.

    Even with the meds in my system longer, I am back to where I was when I went in. I have my follow up with my pdoc on Thurs and I am packing a backpack because I don't expect to come home again. I just can't do this alone anymore. I can't. And hubs hasn't asked me once how I am. His daughter knows, and is being incredibly supportive and even told me if I divorce hubs, she would understand and I would always be here mother. I can't compartmentalize. My head is spinning. My logical self is gone. The is no strength left.

    I need help, but God only knows what I will be coming back to. I amso very scared and I haven't felt this way since the initial dx processof being bp and I had several attempts and spent the 30 days inpatient. So very scared this time. I can't handle life.

    Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
    ddnos responded:
    Hi Mel

    I'm really sorry things have been so rough for you of late!

    First of all, do you think that you should wait until Thursday before going back to the hospital? I know that's only a couple days away, but I also know that a couple days can feel like an eternity when not doing well.

    The second and main thing is, if you check yourself back into the hospital, maybe you could ask that your husband not be able to call because this was the 2nd time in what, a week? that you left hospital because he made an "emergency call" to you, and you chose to take care of him instead of yourself. Who's to say that won't happen again? If you check in on Thursday and he makes another "emergency call," will you drop everything again? I'm not saying that to put you down, but in hopes that you would take preventative measures this time. Meaning, you already know this is an area of weakness, so rather than testing yourself in this kind of situation, arrange it so that the temptation is not allowed to even be there, you know? You can work on that issue at another time. If that call is not allowed, then you won't have to worry about it, and you'll be able to stay there as long as you need (unless you choose to leave sooner).

    Hang in there and at least consider checking in before Thursday, but if you don't or can't, then maybe you could try to find something good to keep yourself busy until then.

    Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
    davedsel responded:
    Melly, I will be thinking of and praying for you this week. I am so sorry you are going through all this.
    Click on my avatar picture or user name to read my story.


    bpcookie responded:
    aaaaaaawwwwww Sweetie, You did the write thing going to the hospital. You need to stay in the hospital until your well. You must think about yourself. Its very selfish of your husband to call you while you are unstable. It sounds like he wants to turn all the attention back to himself.

    Going back to the hospital is the best thing for you and I think you should stay there until your well. If your hubby needs help, then he must get it on his own, just as you have done.

    You take care honey and once your stable again, you can start over, if need be. Just remember, baby steps.

    hugs and muahs
    Please join my community called GRUMPY GROUPIES ( ) Fun and serious topics, nothing is taboo. So get on over there. Weirdo's are welcomed.
    melly2210 replied to ddnos's response:

    I have already decided to tell him I don't want him visiting. I'll allow calls but I will ask my 1:1 person to verify the call info if not listen in and help me to resist the going home part. Cutting him out completely will send him off again, and we can't afford that. I didn't come home for him, I came home to protect what is left in the house. If he can't handle it, then I won't take anymore of his calls and if necessary have him Baker Act'd too. I just want him to be in a different center where inpatient rehab is the step after detox,

    When I go back, I am refusing to leave until I feel that I am ready. There are certain people I want to see while I am there. My mom and step-dad, an old friend who has been there for me through everything, and my children and surprisingly my ex.

    I am using these couple of days to pull together some things here in the house, like furniture being moved and some quiet alone time where I can sleep and rest. Those things don't happen as this hospital setting makes you stay up and only opens the doors at certain times during the day. Groups are mandatory. I need social workers/tdocs because obviously mine isn't helping.

    And I am not at all offended by your advice. You are 100% right on taking care of me. Thank you.

    Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
    melly2210 replied to davedsel's response:

    Thank you for the prayers. They mean so much at this time.

    Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
    melly2210 replied to bpcookie's response:

    Yes, he is being selfish. Incredibly so. He claims these binges are his "me time." And in the midst of the first return to the house for cash, I asked him "when do I get my "me" time. I'm trapped here." Got no answer. Second time he was here, he told me he wanted a divorce.

    So that is on the table. I know he said it in anger, but I can't keep living like this. I haven't figured out how to find an apartment or place to live and still be able to have my kids be with me. And the thought of loosing that, it's just one more trigger. Because I NEED that. And as much as grandson is driving me nuts, I know once I adjust to a toddler being in the house, I will go into Mama mode and be just fine. I'd like for her to go with me too. I love her like my own, and we had a very long talk and she said if I decided that she wouldn't break ties becaue I have become her mom.

    I know we need to move if I stay here. He's too close to his sources and party buddies. Technically we need to move away from Tampa and make a new start, but that means I have no support from the Lighthouse for the Blind or a means of transportation to and from dr appts.

    See? I'm trying to figure out too much at once and that is the problem. I can't compartmentalize and solve any one thing. My head is too busy spinning and the depression sinks deeper and deeper. I alternate between fighting to stay afloat or just letting it suck me in until I don't have to worry about anything anymore.

    Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson

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