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Sorry not been around....TRIGGER
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Mellykins2013 posted:
Yes, this is the same ole Melly....just WebMD doing it's bang up job as usual in no longer allowing me to log in. Anywho....

I haven't been around, or answering much of anything because I couldn't. Life just got to be too much. Too much stress and way too much anxiety. I got overwhelmed and when hubs went off the deep end and in a moment of anger because I wouldn't hand over what he wanted, told me he wanted a divorce, I lost it. Straw that broke camel's back. Attempted the walk to the bus stop because he went back out, but it was already dark and I can't see anything. Not to mention is was almost midnight. He returned at some point and in my trazadone, klonapin and celexa stupor must have given him some of what he wanted. When I woke, I left a note of which hospital I was going to, packed the normal crap, and walked to the bus and went. As in left by 10 am. Hubs had no clue until after 11:30pm.

No beds. Transported across town. Facility sucked the big one. No psychotherapy help at all. Just daily goals and review with some art/music therapy in there. Pill mill. Change this, add that. See how you feel tomorrow. Scary scary place when you are half blind.

Anyways, I got hold of a crayola black wide tipped marker, a stack of copy paper, and did my own work. I told everyone I wanted no visitors. NONE. Hubs and dd came, but only because I took all the $. They needed gas and groceries, so I put dd in charge. Then I sat down and started to categorize outside stresses and why they stressed me so much I ended up in a crisis unit. I thought that a lot of them were outside issues like situational ones, but nope. Wrong again. Most of them were about me. So I started with the easy ones. The kids, the husband, the house/financial issues and I made a plan or two for each to resolve them. Me? So many things to work on. Did decide if hubs did not get medical help and remain sober that his wish from his high self would come true. And he'd need another home cause I am buying a new lock for both the front and back doors. One more time and he doesn't come in. The rest is all about me. Me and setting boundaries. Lots and lots of boundaries to protect myself. Like bubbles. You know, those wands that make like 8 of them that all stick to the center? Those kids of boundaries. LOL

I was there for 6 days. I probably should have stayed a couple more, but I was quickly reaching the end of the fuse for my censor button to not go crazy and start spitting things out like a person with turrett's (sorry no insult intended for those who may be affected). So here I am, trying to put me back together again.
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ddnos responded:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry that things continue to be so difficult for you right now and hope beyond hope that you get a break from it all soon! I hope that things start to turn around for you as far as the kind of support you get, both professional and non professional. I hope that you can find a really good tdoc that is not with the government, but in private practice, who would be willing to see you for as much or as little as you are able to pay. I know there are tdocs out there who are willing to do that - mine did. When I wasn't able to pay much, first, I was on sliding scale fee, then later when I couldn't even afford that, she said to pay whatever I could, even if that meant only $5 a session. She said I was more important than the money and she knw i was a basketcase at the time. lol Maybe you could either ask around for therapist in private practice, or just go through the phone book, which is what I did. Call tdocs and most of them will do a free phone consultation, at which time, you could tell them your situation and ask if they are willing to take you on at whatever you could afford (tell them that approx or exact amount). YOu might be surprised in that someone just perfect for you might say yes! It's worth a shot, eh? Worse thing that could happen is they'd say no and you'd be no worse off than now. But best thing is you'd find someone that you end up reallly liking and able to work with and you learn lots of things from her/him. Just make sure you tell them all the things you need for them to be qualified in such as bipolar, ppd, and you can fill in the rest...so that they will be able to adequately address your issues.

Hang in there and continue to take care of yourself! You wouldn't be able to help others even in a healthy way if you yourself are not doing well, you know? I think you have been seeing that loud and clear lately. Good work you are doing! Keep it up, yes? I know it's hard, but oh so worth it! Oh, and try not to make any major decisions when you're feeling extra emotional - give yourself time to work through the emotions until you are thinking clearly and logically.

Hugs
Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
 
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Mellykins2013 replied to ddnos's response:
Thanks Debbie...

I am trying to locate a tdoc. One was recommended I just have to find where I put the paperwork when I came home. There's crap all over, not because people haven't cleaned but because I have to put things away so I can find them. Night before last, yes 2 days after I got home from the hospital, hubs had a cardiac incident that was either a fluke because his EKG's kept coming up different. Best bet? He was detoxing. Or his sugar (diabetic) was over 200. But while he was there, he told them when he binges, he is trying to kill himself, so he ended up involuntary. We'd planned the following day to check him into a residential program, but too late, I guess. He's at a hospital now that offers substance abuse treatment.

I am trying not to make big decisions when I am upset, but I have truly had it. If he can't hold himself together, then for my health I have to leave. And the revelation that his reason for the last binge was that he couldn't handle me being in the hospital, has been something I have taken into consideration. I am a 40 yr old woman who is FINALLY putting herself together. I cannot be someone else's lifeline.

One of my own issues is this constant fear he is going to die. That I will wake to him being dead. Or he'll drop over dead here. Or the cops will knock on the door or a hospital will call to tell me he is gone. It's irrational and I know that. But I shouldn't feel like that with a 43 yr old man. So, we shall see how his sobriety goes. I've already opened a separate account and will move money except his allowance. Changed my PIN so he can't access it and I have gotten a security box to keep important jewelry and all the checks to my acct except for 1 or 2. Sad, isn't it?

Currently I have hubs, 2 ds's, 1 dd, and a beautiful grandchild with another on the way. So basically, the way things are, I have 5 children. DD is really working hard to be responsible. I'm proud of her. And honestly, I don't know what I would be doing now if it wasn't for her.


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