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TRIGGER family/religion/venting - need support badly
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mozzergurl posted:
Hey there everyone,
So if you don't remember or know who I am you can get a brief update on me on my community profile. I warn you, it's depressing.

I have a lot going on and I haven't been able to get in to see my pdoc. I am trying to get back into group therapy but with no car and no help from my family I haven't been able to go in for the assessment. But the main thing that I have going on is the feeling of being rejected by my own family. My dad is super sick and almost died on my watch(which was every day and night - I "slept" there) while he was in the hospital ICU. He had no ins. so I have done literally EVERYTHING for him so that he can get Medi-Cal. From locating documents, filling out applications, going with him to the interviews (his English is very poor), and all the post hospital care with doctors and specialists cuz he needs surgery, including all the home care from cleaning to meals.

I forgort to mention that I fractured my foot in 2 places the day after he was discharged and injured my shoulder as well, making getting around on crutches severely painful and difficult despite taking pain meds. Orthopedist said it's a Jones fracture so if I don't stay completely off of it, it may not heal quickly enough and the bone may die since that area has no blood supply of its own leaving me with "perpetual pain" for the rest of my life and may not be able to walk on that foot again.

I've never had very much support from my family even though I do things for them on a daily basis that are in no way my responsibility. Especially when it comes to my little sister. I take her to and from school daily even though in the mornings I barely fall asleep between 5-6am, but she wakes me up every day at 7am to take her even though it's just a 15 min. walk from home. If I don't take her she just doesn't go to school and then I get yelled at for being "lazy". FORGOT TO MENTION I had to move back home about a year ago to help my mom financially cuz she wasn't making ends meet. When I get home it takes me at least a couple hours to fall asleep again, but that doesn't last cuz I'm woken up by 10am for being "lazy and irresponsible". Due to having to make ends meet for my mom and lil sister I don't have a car. My mom never drives her car during the day, but I'm not allowed to use it for personal use. When I say personal use I mean going to the doctor or grocery store, unless of course they need something and don't feel like doing it themselves or to take my sister, aunt or grandmother(also live with us) wherever they need to go, no matter how sick or tired I may be. Because according to them I do nothing and have nothing better to do because I don't work. Ummm, I'm disabled for a freaking reason!!!! But that's not the point of this post

My older brother and his wife are having their first baby and my mom is throwing a baby shower at our house, yes the house I too live in and pay rent. But, I'm not invited!!! How the hell is that supposed to make me feel??? She literally told me to leave the house for the day and go to my dads or that I have to stay in bedroom and am not allowed to come out as long as there are people here! All because along with family she invited a few people from her congregation that I was disfellowshipped from and she doesn't want them to feel uncomfortable! Umm they know I live here, if they don't want to be around me they shouldn't come to the house I pay rent at!

My mom and siblings say I'm being unreasonable and that it's my problem and that if I don't like it I can leave. Yet when I mention moving out I get the water works of "oh no, you can't leave. I won't be able to pay the mortgage and I'll lose the house... YOU HAVE TO STAY. We promise things will get better, we'll treat you better"

I'm sick and tired of this life.... If this continues I may not be around much longer. They are literally driving me to the edge of a cliff!

I'm so sorry to unload all this on everyone, but I have no one to turn to
Life is a Pigsty... - Morrissey
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slik_kitty responded:
glad to see you back. can you afford to live on your own? cuz if you can, you need to move out, no matter what they say. your family is not your responsibility. what you are responsible for is your own self. get out and start healing. hugs
 
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mozzergurl replied to slik_kitty's response:
Hey Kitty

Unfortunately I can't afford my own place but have been looking to rent at least in a roommate situation. I had a roommate at a really nice place but my roommate is my ex's bff n that was just uncomfortable. At the time of my looking for a new place is when my moms hours got cut and she was desperately needing help. we set up all kinds of "ground rules" but they lasted a week if I was lucky.

I know it's a whole co-dependence thing too, where I feel responsible for them. That's part of why I NEED to get back into the IOP therapy program...

Thanks for the hugs!
Life is a Pigsty... - Morrissey
 
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slik_kitty replied to mozzergurl's response:
yeah therapy will help, but distance away will be better. lol.
 
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jselleck replied to slik_kitty's response:
Mozzer, I agree with Kitty. Distance away will be the best thing for you. I do not get along with my mom at all. Never have, probably never will. (She's too demanding and bossy in my opinion plus she doesn't approve of my choice of husband.) Once I left Indiana and moved to Texas our relationship actually started to improve. Well, at least until we had a huge fight this past July when I went home to visit. My family totally does not understand my bipolar and as a result I've actually been told not to come home to visit on several occassions. In fact, if I want to set foot anywhere near my hometown I have to not only get my parents' permission, but my husband has to call my mom and assure her that I'm stable enough to come home. It's a complete circus. My husband and I are pretty sure that my little sister is bipolar as well, but they refuse to take her to a doctor to get tested. All because no one in our family has ever had bipolar before, so I must be faking it. So I totally agree with Kitty. Find a roommate or an apartment that you can afford and move out. Your family is not your responsibility. If they can't abide by the ground rules you all set when you agreed to move in, then it's their loss. Good luck.

J
 
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mozzergurl replied to jselleck's response:
Thank you Kitty n Jselleck..... I completely agree with you about distance. But like I said and I completely realize that this is codependence, but I've always been blamed for my parents divorce by my dad and I promised my mom when I told her she'd be happier without an abusive, cheating, emotionally stunted and unavailable person in her life, that I would make sure she never feels overwhelmed financially like she can't afford to make it on her own with out my dad. Cuz he doesn't pitch in financially, not even with my minor siblings, which now is just my sister whom I practically raised till she was about 11-12.

I know I know, it's just a pile of excuses, but you know how people talk about catholic guilt, you have no idea what it's like growing up with JW guilt!

But I know I can do it, which is part of the reason why I feel like I need to get back into outpatient therapy, cuz I can get the CBT I need and it will help give me the tools I need to deal with my negative automatic thoughts so that I don't tear myself down or feel like I'm abandoning my family when they really need me even if they do make me miserable.

But enough is enough and I am continuing to search for a place to live that I can afford.

Thank you for all the support!
Life is a Pigsty... - Morrissey
 
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jselleck replied to mozzergurl's response:
No problem. Good luck!!


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