Inner motivation has been difficult for me all my life I think in large part, because of my personality. But for the past 1-2 years, "personality" has had very little to do with it, and I'm getting fed up with myself! Even when I have good days my motivation level has been seriously lacking - so it's not just when I'm having a bad day and/or depressed - it seems that part of it has just become a very bad habit. Granted, I think it's more than just a bad habit, but sort of like it's the habit part that has locked me into this seemingly never ending cycle of serious lack of motivation. It's not unusual to, for example, tell myself and even start to get ready to do something either at home or away from home, and then just as fast as the thought to do whatever comes, I will get this sudden "light switch feeling" where it literally feels like a light switch was turned off inside of me that will instantly change my mood, and thus, my level of motivation from black to white, positive to negative, happy to sad, etc. When that happens, I will just as quickly stop getting ready to do whatever and either lay down to sleep as if just the thought of doing whatever was so exhausting, or I will just say, "im not going, or I'm not doing..." and then have by default, decided just to stay home. This has been going on for, like I said, about 1-2 years. I've talked about it with my tdoc several times and will need to talk about it again with my new tdoc because I simply NEED to get out of this bad cycle because it's preventing me from moving forward in anything and I'm in that "i don't FEEL like it" mode about almost anything, which I'm normally not - at least not habitually. It feels like it's so much bigger than me right now. Today I really needed to take care of some business and had mentally made plans to do it, but it's almost 3 p.m. right now and other than being up for a brief time, I have been sleeping until about 45 min ago. I want to explode! I told myself last night that I was just going to have to FORCE myself to go or do whatever I needed to, but then when it comes down to actually having to do the forcing, I feel powerless! I'm sick of myself in this area and I just that my therapist could give me some magical formula so that I can get myself out of this trap! Sigh!
Thanks for letting me vent
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
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