So, I talked with my pdoc today about coming off of my meds. I told her why and told her we didn't need to argue it because I know I just need to make up my mind. She told me some of the serious consequences that could come up if I come off of them but told me she would still see me if I decided this. My hubs says hypomania is the only reason for this. I've not been here since I've been back on meds.
I'm still deciding. I really feel like I should come off of them and therefore want to but I'm also afraid to do it, you know? I was off meds for about 8 years from 20-28 and did extremely well. I believed I wasn't really Bipolar (kind of like now). In those 8 years, I definitely had depressions and in hindsight some hypomania, but nothing that made me think I should go back to a pdoc. However, I had a major manic episode (that I am debating was actually spiritual) and everything fell apart after that. Since then, my "episodes" in these last 2 years have been horrible, like they were when I was a teen. My doc also said the prognosis is much worse if your illness goes untreated for longer periods of time. And, I've heard it's worse as you age. I just don't know...I'll let you all know if I decide to come off of all of them.
Monkeybe, I have felt the way you do on and off for a long time. There have been more times than not that the meds made me worse. After so much learning of this and trial and error for me I decided no more. I now only take Lithium (900mg), which is a mood stabilizer and it does the trick. I do have Bipolar and am afraid to go without anything, but one day I may be brave enough to try. For the time being things are working just fine.I realize meds work for some people so whoever reads this, don't stop your meds without discussing it with you dr. I personally know of some people that absolutely need their meds. People are all different.
Please don't take this question as a criticism. You are perfectly capable, if you're not psychotic, to decide to not take your meds. You are certainly allowed to forgo treatment for any medical condition, not just bipolar disorder. I guess I don't quite understand why, if you know in the end the result will be very damaging to you, you choose to not get treatment. Can you explain what you are thinking? Maybe I just do not understand.
I don't take your question as criticism at all. There are two reasons I want to stop taking my meds.
The first and biggest reason is my faith. When I had (without medication) the worst psychotic manic episode I've ever had, followed by the most severe depression I've ever had, I believed that if I went back to a psychiatrist and got back on meds, I would lose my faith and therefore lose my salvation. It seems it happened just that way. As soon as I believed that I had a mental illness (as opposed to experiencing severe spiritual warfare), I lost my faith. Other similar things also happened regarding mental illness v. spiritual warfare. I have reconnected with God and I feel like he is reminding me of my experiences and telling me (not audibly, just in my heart) to stop taking meds.
The second reason is I'm not sure I have Bipolar Disorder. I was diagnosed at 15 and was very symptomatic from about 14-20. After that, until I was 28, I believed I had been misdiagnosed. With the exception of some mild depressions and in hindsight maybe some mild hypomania, I was fine. Nothing that happened in that time would have made me or anyone believe I needed to go back to a pdoc. If I managed for 8 years, I feel as though I can make it on my own. I don't know certainly though. I'm praying about it and not taking the decision lightly.
Actually, this is an obsession. An obsession. I cannot think about anything other than whether or not this is spiritual warfare or mental illness and whether or not I should lean on God or meds. I've talked it out with my pdoc and tdoc and am still at a loss. And it feels so pertinent to my faith and wellbeing and therefore I must make an imminent decision. I've been taking meds with no issue (even sure I needed them) for 2 years. It doesn't make sense to me.
I totally understand how important spiritual connection is to well being. My psychiatrist, when I begin to question if G-d wants me to be in treatment, point's out that G-d is in the details of our lives and treatment is a part of those details. For me there is no conflict when I'm thinking clearly. You need to make decisions based on your own path, however. May your journey be gentle.
this smacks of mania talking to me. being on meds does not take away your faith, because your faith is inside of you and never goes away. once you are saved, you are always saved. that doesn't go away either. god does not love you less if you are on medication. lean on god for help, but do not lean on god for things that you can do for yourself, like take meds. that is a recipe for disaster.
The role of faith in treatment is an important subject. I'm not saying to forgo treatment because it interferes with spirituality. If I said that to my psychiatrist he and I would be having a very different conversation from the one I was having in my posts. For those of us whose religion is an integral part of the healing process, the discussion of the complimentary relationship between spirituality and treatment is extremely important. If Monkey's psychiatrist and therapist are clear about what she's talking about, I'm not going to question them. They know her.
I would have to agree with Kitty on this one - also, we are not seeing both sides of the picture i.e. monkeybees pdoc and tdoc are not here to confirm or not confirm monkeys story. Not insinuating tha monkey is lying AT ALL but just saying that her perception and thinking appear to be way off right now, thus, she may not be hearing her docs very clearly either. I am cencerned.
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
Fait enough. I just didn't want to completely discount her feelings and beliefs with my own biases that treatment should always be complied with.. If her therapist and psychiatrist are telling her something very different from what she is reporting, her perceptions are off, which happens in mania. We don't know. They do. I know, if I told my treatment team I didn't want to take meds and all persuasion to the contrary failed, they'd fire me. It would be almost malpractice for them to allow me to become dangerous to myself and psychotic while respecting my right to autonomy in my own medical decisions under their care. It would be a no win situation for them and me. Bottom line, we just don't know enough to really have a helpful opinion. I say when in doubt, defer to the treatment team regardless of my personal opinions.
Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. Also, I haven't meant to discuss your posts as if you weren't there. You have spawned a discussion amongst the group and sometimes we are talking about your posts to each other. There is no intent to talk about you as if you weren't there. That's really alienating. So accept my apologies for any hurt I may have caused.
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