Despite my meds, I can't sleep tonight. Does anyone else hope that missing a night's sleep will turn into missing several night's sleep and trigger mania? I don't always feel this way and I know that this thinking is terrible and the consequences that this could have for my family and me are potentially poor. Still, I completely miss that high and I feel like before I spiral out of control, if I am just hypomanic, I am SUCH a better mom, better wife, better everything. Since I have been doing well for a couple of months, this is nonsensical, but nonetheless true.
I know not always easy, but since you know that hoping for that "high" of mania and it actually happening would be bad for you and those around you; you have to try to cognitively change your thinking and hope that you DON'T switch into a manic episode. You may "feel" like experiencing that, but you can change that feeling by changing your thought process - focus on the sometimes not so pleasant facts of what could happen should you not try to prevent an episode.
Do what you know you can do to try to thwart a manic episode as a means of taking care of yourself - not based on what you feel, but on what you know.
Best to you Debbie
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different --Unknown
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