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    rose20141977 posted:
    Hi I am new here and just looking for support, their is no bipolar support groups in my area. I was hospitalized 14 years ago for a severe manic break, I don't remember 2 weeks of my life. I was stable for 10 years. And then things began to happen, first I quit my job which I had for 7 years, (I am a professional or at least I was) then I was hired in the same field to a much, much hire stress job and after a year and 1/2 I had to quit, been unemployed ever since. During the 10 years of stability I was only taking SNRI's and a small dose of anti-anxiety agent. During this time I had to switch psychiatrists because the one I had working with for 10 years retired. That was not helpful, he decided to taper my Effexor and put me on Cymbalta. That did not go well at all. So I went back to the Effexor before he switched me to Cymbalta. Anyway skipping many parts I ended up with no job, and I lost it I was screaming at my husband and 7 y/o dtr for some very trivial things. My doctor is now treating me with lamictal,wellbutrin,lithum and a small dose of Effexor also clonozapam and teretpam(sp) for sleep. I had to call my husband to come home from work, but not until I threatened to call his boss and tell him that I was sick again and he needed to come home. (His boss was very supportive during my hospital stay. I am a rapid-cycler, treatment resistant bipolar 1. I am feeling guilty because my husband has now become my caretaker again, and this time around we have a child and I can be very cruel to her. So basically I was stable and doing well and now I am taking several more medications, unable to control my emotions, extremely depressed and I have lost my career. I know my husband resents me for not being a "normal wife" and I feel horrible about the way I have been treating my dtr. This is my first relapse and I hate it. My doctor is now even talking ECT. Will I ever feel better? I can't say will I ever feeling normal because I don't know what normal feels like. Has anyone else been down this road, has anyone else feel like this disease has taken everything from them?
    mercygive responded:
    Welcome to the board. You may feel that this illness has taken everything from you but it hasn't. You can manage this illness and not let it manage you by continuing to work closely with your doctors and therapist and by educating yourself and your family about bipolar disorder. Support groups like this one can help too. A good book for you and your husband to read together is The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz, PhD.

    I don't worry about feeling normal I just want to feel good and be able to function well.
    A little yoga goes a long way
    ginpene responded:
    Hi. I havn't posted or discussed much here, but I did resort to ECT in 1995 when years of meds finally stopped working. I had been extremely depressed, loosing weight and prafctically non verbal. It made a huge difference for me, and for the next 10 years I was stable on a combination of meds. In 2005 I became suicidal and requested ECT again. Again, it helped, and I have not had major problems since. I am on welbutrin, buspar, lithium, seroquel and Temazepam and am basically stable. I do admit that I have suffered cognitive difficulties, but I am alive, really have a good life and generally feel pretty good. I am on disability and wish that I could still work in the medical field, but the ole brain ain't what she used to be... I hope this offers some bit of help to you. Good luck. gp
    57ninny responded:
    Hi Rose, was just reading your story. I'm so sorry to hear that your Bipolar has taken over your life. I feel the same way. I was diagnosed with it about 3 years ago in 2011. I actually thought my life was going pretty well, then my dad died and everything went down hill from there. I got so depressed I wouldn't eat, didn't know how to decide what to eat. Could'nt decide what to wear, so never got dressed. Never showered unless my husband threatened to throw me in shower. I've been on Paxil for years for anxiety, but that was not helping me at all. I finally started seeing a Psychiatrist. He started me on Abilify, and it worked wonderful for a year. I started gaining a lot of weight while on it, also my cholesterol and my tryglicerides were sky high. It was becoming dangerous for me to take it. Since then they have taken me off the Abilify and tried me on Wellbutrin. NO GOOD. So now they are having me try Latuda. Well to begin with I have RLS, restless leg syndrome, extremely bad. Since I have started the Latuda it has set off my RLS. My legs jerk all day and every day. Also my depression is NO better. I also sleep walk, every night. It has become very dangerous for me, so much so that I have fallen and broken all the ribs on my Left side, and dislocated my Left shoulder. They don't know what to do for it either. They say there's no meds or cure for sleep walking. I'm at my wits end, I never get more then 3 hours of sleep a night, all depends on whats going to bother me more. My RLS or the sleep walking. My body is so tired. I cry all the time. I never go anywhere any more. To tired to do anything or go anywhere. I feel like my docs do NOT listen to me when I tell them I can't live like this anymore. I don't feel safe at home anymore. When I sleep walk I move things around. I throw things away. I cook, do laundry. I have no clue i'm doing any of this. I just want my life back. I quit work 7 years ago, due to other health related issues and am now on Disability. I was so independent, working as a nurse at a Dialysis unit. But those days are gone. Makes me sad when I think about the days when I worked. Actually makes me sad to think about anytime before my dad died. I was completely healthy. My husband is very supportive, but I feel like I'm a burden to him. He says i'm not though. He's so worried that I may try to hurt myself. He's right to worry, I've thought about suicide many times. I feel like it's my only way out of this situation. At least I'll finally get to rest.
    57ninny responded:
    What's feeling normal and feeling good like? I don't know what that is any more. I have not been able to function normal for a couple years now. This disease plus a few other diseases have taken over my life. I no longer have a life. I've pretty much given up and I never thought I would.
    ginpene replied to 57ninny's response:
    57ninny, I'm so glad to find you on this site. Maybe we can all help a bit. Your story pulls at my heart strings because of the hopelessness you seem to feel. Do your docs know that you have these suicidal thoughts? And how about the RLS- Does he/she know how debilitating it is? Are you not on a cocktail of several meds? That has helped me through the years. I also sleep walk and eat or work in the kitchen and then realize in the morning that I wasn't exactly having a restful sleep. Can your doc prescribe something for sleep that doesn't cause the nighttime activity? For me it seems that the Temazepam causes it. I always was embarassed to tell my doc that I was suicidal, but they need to know it, if you can bring yourself to discuss it. Thank goodness for your husband. Mine also is supportive, and I sill have have trouble not feeling like a burden. But it is for better or worse, remember.
    I hope you can find assistance on this site. Good luck, gp
    slik_kitty replied to 57ninny's response:
    sounds like you need to find yourself a new doc. someone who will listen to you and help you. if your meds aren't working, then it's time for a change.

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