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lilvixy posted:
I am feeling really rough lately and I'm not sure if it is because of things going on in my life. Or if it is because I am feeling rough that I think things are going poorly. Does that make sense? I feel like I cant talk to anyone about this right now because they will either tell me that i'm just imagining things, or they will tell the people I'm having bad feelings abut all the things I say.

Is it wrong to feel angry at your SO for being unhappy? (I'm pretty sure that's a yes) I also am so mad right now and hurt because I am dedicated to a long distance move to live with her but she seems to be dragging her feet to get the situation where it needs to be for that to happen. There is a lot more but those are my main two things right now.
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ddnos responded:
Hi and welcome to the board!

In answer to your question of is it wrong to feel angry with your SO about being unhappy...........I don't believe that feelings in and of themselves are either right or wrong - it's what you do with them that changes things.

Do you talk with her about how you are feeling? If you can't do that, then you have to question whether or not you are ready to move to move in with her because if you can't communicate now, why would you think it would be any better then?

Also, it's a good thing to look at your situation of feeling angry with her for being unhappy as something that's about you, and not her. What I mean is, look inside and discover why who she is right now makes you feel angry, and try to answer that question without mentioning her name, i.e. the answer can only be about you. If you can do that, you may find answers that actually free you from the anger.

You said that you are dedicated to the long distance move to live with her, but she seems to be dragging her feet. I would think twice before uprooting your life where it is now to live with her if she's not either willing or able to give you the same level of commitment. Maybe she's not ready yet, or maybe this is not what she really wants but is finding it hard to tell you. Talk with her about it. I'm not saying that just because she may be going through a difficult time in her life then you bail on her; but I'm saying that you need to know what you're getting into before you do it. The person you are angry with from a distance is the same person you plan to move in with up close. Will that be easier to deal with? Are you committed to love her and commit to her no matter if she's happy or not? Do you want to live with someone who is unhappy and that you don't know if that will ever change or how long it will be before it changes? Think with your mind, not your emotions before making as big a decision as the one you are planning on making.

Communicate honestly with her and be on the same page. If you are not sure how she feels or what she thinks about this whole situation, then ask her. If she can't tell you - or won't tell you, let that be a taste of what's to come with her and decide if you can live with that or not.

Best to you

Debbie
"Live without pretending; Love without depending; Listen without defending; Speak without offending"--Drake
 
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lilvixy replied to ddnos's response:
Debbie, that's an awful lot to respond to! I Thank you for your through reply, lets see. Firstly, I am very open about my thoughts and feelings to her, even the ones that are negative about her. I have to be to make things work I figure.

Thinking about why I'm angry from a purely analytical perspective in making it all about me is going to be hard, but worth while. Its great advice and will probably take some time. What I have so far figured out is I'm just terribly impatient, something I always struggle with.

I worry that she is not on board with the move, and we have even decided to push back the move for at least another 9 months, something I'm not a fan of but I see she needs it. I am not sure how to tell if giving her that much more time is enough for her. She says she is intent on the move but I feel like she isn't, and I don't know if its me reading into things or if i'm picking up cues from her that she wont voice. Your right, she needs to be able to talk to me about things as much as I have to talk to her about things. How do I determine if shes telling the truth or too nervous/scared to do so?
 
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meljpar2 responded:
I think that maybe your negative, stressful feelings and thoughts are causing you to take a dim, hurtful view on your reality. It's your mood, man.
 
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ddnos replied to lilvixy's response:
Hello lilvixy, I was curious if you would reply or not, and glad that you did.

Sorry to have given you so much to respond to lol but, ummm, what can I say?

I'm glad to hear that you are very open with her, and see that as important - that's a definite plus on your side! How does she respond to your honesty? Is she defensive? Does she engage in the conversation or try to run from it? Does she respect your thoughts and feelings? Does she convey to you somehow that yes she does want the move, but.........(fill in the blank) or is she constantly giving you empty promises?

I think those questions and more are just some of the ways that you can discern what she really wants with you. If she can't or won't communicate with you honestly for whatever reason so that you're never really sure about where she stands about a lot of things, then again, you have to decide if that's what you want in a relationship. If you do and you're Ok with that, then fine; but if you're not - if you want something deeper and more open, then right now, she's not the one you're going to have that with. She may get there, but I wouldn't move forward with her IN HOPES that she will change or that you wil change her, because you won't. It would be far better to develop the relationship more before taking it to a level that requires such big steps, you know? I understand that we never know the outcome of our decisions, but we can make wiser choices to hike up the chances of it being successful.

I was relieved to see that you guys have decided to push back the move for at least 9 months. You may not be a fan of that idea, but it just might be a plan that you will be thankful for in the end. I know that sounds pesimistic, but I'm not trying to be that way because 1) I don't know anything about you guys or your relationship other than what you have shared here, and 2) I have nothing to win or lose by what you do. I just want you to really think about what you plan to do so that you don't end up making a decision that you could regret. If there weren't any red flags, then what I would say would be different; but there are red flags. Those red flags don't necessarily mean the relationship isn't meant to be; but it does mean that you both need to take an honest look at things and work on those red flag areas before moving ahead. If it turns out that those red flags are put there to protect you both from moving forward, then be grateful for them even if it hurts.

I hope to hear back from you; but more than that, I hope that you all can work through this - listen to your heart.

Debbie
"Live without pretending; Love without depending; Listen without defending; Speak without offending"--Drake
 
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lilvixy replied to ddnos's response:
Hey again Debbie, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to this once more. I'm really unsure if the first paragraph is rhetorical or not but the basic answer at least when it comes to her responses towards the move is. "I want us to be together, to live together and I am working on that. I just want to save a little longer." That feels a lot like she is just hesitant to move in with me because she already has a VERY sizable nest egg set aside. I do recognize that she could just be a person who feels financially insecure and truly just isn't happy with where our fiances lay. When I state that I'm sad about that she is accepting of my feelings but feels pressure from me too, which I don't intend to place on her at all. I would say the feel I'm trying to express is just a desire to be with her sooner because of how much I adore her and ect. When I have really opened up and told her some of the darker thoughts I have... She admits that they are not good but also expresses unfailing acceptance (No its not any sort of self harm or what have you).


I agree the wait is a good idea, i'm just struggling with the concept right now. I don't hope or plan to change anything about her, I am one of the first people to say that you cant change anyone but yourself.

I think I've responded to all your points and if not I apologize. its late for me!

Take care
 
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ddnos replied to lilvixy's response:
Hello, good morning, g'day, and anything else that applies! lol

Just curious, how long have you guys been dating, and has it always been a long distance relationship, i.e. have you ever met in person?

The following is only a question - but from these posts (which I know are not all inclusive re everything you think and feel re the whole situation) but nonetheless, from these posts, it doesn't sound to me like it's even a remote possibility that things just may not turn out the way you would like, i.e. move in together. I'm not saying or insinuating that it's not going to happen because I have no idea, nor do I care in the general sense of the word - I only say this because you come across in a way that says that this is going to happen no matter what, which makes you so much more vulnerable to making a big decision based entirely or primarily on your emotions rather than throwing in a lot of cognitive, rational, logical thinking into the mix as well. When that happens, the results don't always end up so great, and though I don't know you or her, I would hate for something like that to happen.

In some ways, it sounds silly to me that I'm sharing my thoughts with you about all this when I don't even know you because I don't want to come across like I'm thinking, "OH NO! This is TERRIBLE!" and then rattle on like if you don't do A, B, and C, then D, E, and F is going to happen, and then your world is going to fall apart! lol It was sort of sounding like that from my end, and I laughed to myself because I don't mean to sound that way. That's why this avenue of the written word only can be so frustrating to me at times!

Whew! Now that I got that out - lol I can continue without the feeling of impending doom in my fingers. lol

I guess I've learned a lot from my former therapist, and she is THE wisest person I have ever met. So I tend to repeat some of the things she has taught me because I know it works. So I wonder if that means she should be getting paid more every time I pass on or try to pass on things she has taught me? lol

I was thinking about you this morning and wanted to share with you a few examples of what exactly I mean/meant by what I said about "making it about you" when it came to your anger, but I've already typed so much on this post that maybe I'll put that on another one. lol Let me say that "it's about you" teaching or principle was one of THE hardest things for me to accept and learn from my therapist. I kid you not, it must have taken me about 10 years before I FINALLY understood what the heck she was on about! lol I can be slow sometimes. So if you can get it and learn to apply it in your life in more than just this scenario and in less than 10 years, I will be jealous! lol

So, I will be back later today to hopefully make some sense of what's in my head and what I've learned about that "lovely" topic.

Take care
Debbie
"Live without pretending; Love without depending; Listen without defending; Speak without offending"--Drake
 
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ddnos replied to ddnos's response:
Whenever I talked with my therapist about situations that involved my reacting to someone else, I would get so annoyed with her because I always felt like she was taking the other person's side, and that I was the one at fault. I remember looking at her with total sincerity and saying something like, "So if that happened to you, you wouldn't be angry?" or, "So you think what he/she did was right and I just need to get over it?" I was always so defensive and couldn't understand why she was reacting the way she did. Even though I felt like she was just taking the other person's side, that wasn't the point. The point was that she totally confused me because I knew her well enough to know that I KNEW she would not have condoned whatever it was that person did, and so I became angry and hurt. What was I doing wrong that she was saying this whole thing was my fault? (she wasn't saying that — I only thought she was!)

She typically started those conversations with, "Your reaction is about you, and their actions are about them." I was like, "and?" lol I'm telling you, I could be SUCH a brat! Lol

I was working as the Administrative Assistant, and the Executive Director decided to work somewhere else, and so we got a new ED. He was a royal jerk! Lol He was arrogant, demeaning, and had a complex because he was short in stature. It didn't take long before I wanted to kick his "behind" lol and maybe smack him upside the head a few times! Before he was there, I loved my job, and I was always in a pleasant mood; but very quickly upon his starting there, I became angry, moody, and disrespectful. I basically allowed him to affect my mood — not just one day or one episode, but every day!

It wasn't long before I had a session and talked with my tdoc about the situation because I am not one to be able to let things like that linger on for very long.

So she started in with the "it's about me" stuff, and I about came unglued with her! Lol I said stuff like, "So you agree with what he's doing, huh?????? You don't think I have a right to be angry, do you??????" and more stuff like that. Lol She said, "absolutely not, but that's not the point! Who he is, how he behaves, his attitude has NOTHING to do with you, so why are you letting it control you? What are you telling yourself? I would come back with stuff like, ""026but he did this or he said that, and he does it all the time" and I gave her many examples, but she still would say, "so what does that have to do with you? What is it in YOU that is allowing him to have such power over you? What is it about him that is triggering you to react like this?" I finally got quiet and began to really listen to what she was saying, and what the answers were to her questions. I realized that he reminded me of a particular male figure in my childhood and so in reality, my continued reaction to my former boss was really attributed to my unresolved issues toward the childhood person. I was treating my boss disrespectfully because of my own stuff. Was my boss a jerk? Yes! Did he change? No! But you know what? The very next day and every day forward, I did not let that man dictate my moods and I treated him with respect and went the extra mile to do my job for him. I was able to do that because I learned that even though his behavior wasn't appropriate, my reaction was not productive or good for me and not really directed toward him anyway. Had I been able to just be angry with him for a day or two and then move on, things would have been different; but I was unable to let it go and it was affecting my mood and behavior, and so that's when I needed to apply that "it's about me" concept.

That has been one of the most freeing and healing things that I've learned from my former tdoc, and I hope that you can make sense of what I wrote and learn to apply it to your life as well — not just this situation, but any and every one where it's needed.


Debbie (sorry so long)
"Live without pretending; Love without depending; Listen without defending; Speak without offending"--Drake
 
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lilvixy replied to ddnos's response:
alright, I just seen both posts and I really want to give my response a good thinking through before I write it. The last few days have been really long for a few reasons. Nothing to do with my SO though. One thing I'll say is I am not angry anymore like i had been, and your right. I am really really wanting this move to happen, but I do realize pinning my hopes on that is a bad choice. For the short term i have some dental issues to take care of but once that is all settled I will be saving up to move out on my own, with or without her.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies so far. I think it has helped me look at my situation differently.

TCFN.
 
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ddnos replied to lilvixy's response:
I look forward to reading your reply

I hope you have a good week and "have fun" with your dental issues - yikes!

It's good to hear you say that you will be saving up to move out on your own, with or without her. That doesn't weaken your commitment to her, but it puts you in a place of strength that says you are willing to accept whatever is meant to be - and that you aren't going to be dictated to by your feelings. Your feelings are no doubt involved, but they don't have to be what steers your life and decisions. It's a process and something we all have to remind ourselves of all the time; but with practice, we can learn to BE in control rather than living a life controlled by our feelings. It's freeing, actually.

Have a good day
Debbie
"Live without pretending; Love without depending; Listen without defending; Speak without offending"--Drake


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