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    I am bipolar and suicidal
    Vintage13 posted:
    [TRIGGER] I am 27 years old. I have been dealing (by myself) with bipolar since I was very young. I always remember feeling different from everyone. I couldn't seem to keep happy, no matter what was going on around me. I would tell my parents, only to be told that I was trying to get attention. When my parents divorced at age 9 my world fell apart. An older cousin of mine saw the opportunity to abuse me and did so for several years on. I moved away from my family at age 16. Married my husband at age 18 after graduation. We have three children together. My house of cards fell apart on me January of this year. I have been secretly dealing with all my problems and couldn't handle it anymore. I went to my doc and told him my feelings and that I was suicidal. He prescribed Welbutrin for me and it was a mistake. Within several days I was worse and attempted suicide to stop the voices within and the horrible feelings I was going through. After receving a little treatment I started to see a wonderful therapist. But just very recently she was killed in a car accident. Now I am back to where I started. If not worse. I've seen the other side. I'm very tired of faking my way through the day. Faking my happiness and pasting a smile on me for my husband, my children, for everyone. I just want some release and some peace. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm getting to the end of my rope.
    thats_real_odd responded:
    HANG IN THERE. stuff WILL get better I SWEAR.
    margaroo responded:

    Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If so, does he/she know about the traumas you have gone through recently? Is there anyone associated with the therapist you can turn to? You have to take a step in one of these directions. You have been holding things together the best you can for so long, you must be exhausted. You need to find a professional to help you.

    Everyone here understands the pain you are in. We are here to support you. Let us know how you are doing.

    bipolargal responded:
    Several things in your story, sound like they were ripped from the pages of my own life. I can totally relate to what you are saying.

    After years of torment, finally I got diagnosed, and more importantly, I got on the right combination of medicines.

    You need to hold on. You must do everything in your power to start trying different medications to find out which one(s) will work for you. You also need to work on finding a new therapist as soon as possible, since you might have to try one or two different ones, until you find one who you are comfortable with.

    I had a terrible incident years before I was diagnosed, with a Dr. who misdiagnosed me as just having plain old depression. He put me on an antidepressant, and I went over the edge. People who are BP need to take other med(s) in conjunction with taking antidepressants, or bad stuff can happen (like with me).

    I have been at the end of my rope, and I have managed to hang on, and now things are much better. Meds really can change your life dramatically for the better. Believe me, I never would have believed that statement, until it truly did happen for me, and it can for you too.

    and BTW, welcome to the BP board!
    If you fall off that swing and break your legs, don't come running to me. author unknown
    bpcookie responded:
    Hun, I really feel for you. I had a terrible childhood also. I got married two weeks after graduating high school, just to escape my terrible step mother. I continued having a miserable life. I tried suicide while married to my second husband, thank God Im still here. I divorced him and married someone else. I was finally diag. with BP, got on the right meds. married a good man and found good dr.s. Every single ounce of pain I had went through was worth everything, just to get me to the 11 yrs of happiness that I have had.

    Try and look into your future, look ahead and see what your life is going to be like. You with your husband and your children. All of you happy and living life to its fullest.

    All you have to do is hang in there, you can beat this thing. The right dr.'s, the right meds and you will feel so much better. If I could do it 11 yrs ago, then you can do it now. Be strong, take one day at a time. Talk to your husband, be honest with him. Tell him how you feel.

    Pls take care of yourself and we will be here for you. hugs
    Chris_WebMD_Staff responded:
    I know you are feeling bad right now, and suicide or hurting yourself is never the answer. The depression takes over and creates thoughts like this. You can get a handle on things.

    Vintage, you need to work with a therapist, you need to find help and reach out. You found one good doc that you liked, you will find another! It's important you get the help you deserve.
    Or visit a hospital emergency room for immediate help. Also please contact a crisis hotline, there will be numbers listed in your phone book. WebMD also has a Crisis Assistance link to the left, for more helpful resources for you. Let us know how you are doing please!
    hope7951 responded:
    Find good professionals. Be completely honest. Fake smiles are a waste of energy you need to advocate for medications that will work. Then find a new therapist and pour your heart and soul into healing your body and restoring your soul. Bipolar responds well to the correct treatment. Hiding it will only make things worst. There are many many well need meds and therapy. This is not your fault and blaming yourself or anyone else will only keep you in a place of darkness. What has happened in your life has happened. At some point you will realize that these things have shaped you to be resiliant and strong. Find a good psychiatrist. Live to look back on these days as the ones you decided to choose life.
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