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    Topaz03 posted:
    um, don't know what else to say.............bad night............apparently my dh can't stand me and he wants a "tough girl" to a knife out and well, I could never really do that.
    He took me out to dinner...........and guess I ruined it cuz I panic sitting in the midst of a crowd, and idk mabey things aren't that bad, but I must be bad.......had a few drinks cuz I couldn't sit in the croud, I thought i would just die when they put us there. I'm sorry........I'm crying now......I can't help it, I'm sorry. I think I'm really nice, but my dh says I'm such a door mat and it's sickening and he wants a biker chick. I just wanna die, cuz, well, I gave him the best of my life and do you know what that feels like?
    I know I'm gonna regret this in the am, but...............idk..........I'm so sorry, if only he'd just look at me you know, but not focus on my being afraid.

    Well, he's got his issues...........his family, I hate them:( I know I'm sick. I got so scared sitting in the midst of all the ppl. I thought I would want to die right then and there..........fleeting thoughts and they are real.............plz help me.........I love my dd and for posting this, they will never take her away,plz help cuz I don't tell this to anyone.........but who do I trust to tell my feelings have to tell somebody? I have to and I'm not bad for.......I feel like I'm telling on the only person who has ever stood by me....
    NO one else has ever tried.
    skypper responded:
    {{{{{topaz}}}}} we are here for you, if your dh cannot see your value then it's his loss, you are an absolute amazing, kind, loving, wonderful and very beautiful woman...i think we suffer some of the same issues, so i'm thinking i must know how you're feeling right now, i wish i could lessen your pain, but just know that i care about you very much, love you as a person and so does your dd, so hold on to that, you'll make it through the rest of tonight and tomorrows a brand new day to see where or what you wanna do next, be gentle with yourself and come talk to us please whenever you need to, we'll always listen
    I'm selfish,impatient
    Topaz03 replied to skypper's response:
    Oh thank you sweetie. and you ARE so sweet., and caring. Well this is a trigger I went through, my first husband. He told me he didn't love me etc.........well, I have to say that I can't tell you how bad that feels. You give your life to someone, your everything and then they tell you that..........

    Okay, it would be so easy........and now I know why some of you sh.........and well.......

    no wonder I imagine about other men.........bcause..........that's my escape. Like sh is for some ppl and that's my way out, even if it doesn't last..........for crying out loud, this wasn't supposed to happen.

    Then, i feel bad cuz he hurts too........but hurting others will NEVER bring you into the right, and he calls me a nerd all the time...........and oh.......I HATE his parents. Can you blame me? His dad is dead.............I can't help it and I blame them

    I'm sorry if you are triggered. I really am, but I am too and have been through the ringer. I have and that makes it all the worst...............he knows what I've been through.............and that makes it hurt more.
    skypper replied to Topaz03's response:
    your dh would do good to have his eyes opened up, if he can't appreciate you, maybe he wants to be mistreated and isn't ready for a loving caring relationship, but that's NOT your fault, its his issues and he's making you feel bad becasue of them...wish i could take my own advice and love myself as easily as i tend to have love and acceptance for others, maybethat's something we both can work on, hmmm? huge huge hugs
    I'm selfish,impatient
    Topaz03 replied to skypper's response:
    I know you understand. Boy, this is so NOT like me. Sitting here...........better put this knife away for the sake of my dd......but really, now I can relate to some of you guys......I've never done that, but if I did, I don't think I'd stop. I'm SO hurt:(
    I mean, come on............I try so are right, he's got issues and he won't deal w/ them...........and I hide much of what.......if you only knew..........I've been through the ringer!

    and by the way.........this really nice guy........left a message on my phone.........and I told my dh he was gonna ask me out and my dh said. "let him and give him your number"
    skypper replied to Topaz03's response:
    exactly what i'm talking about, your dh is playing you, it sucks when the ones we ;love treat us so badly...just last weekend i did something really awful too, thank goodness for the cool weather so i've been wearing sweaters and loong sleeves slashed up and down both my arms and legs...not good, so very bad...thank God for my best friend being there when he was or i don't know...we all need to be loved and accepted for who and what we are and there are people out there who will and do, i think maybe we just need to feel we deserve it...for so long i've considered myself an awful unlovable creature but you know what we have to learn to love ourselves more, which is why i told you to go out and get something nice for yourself today with that money, you do so much for others all the time, you deserve nice things too...
    I'm selfish,impatient
    Topaz03 replied to skypper's response:
    no no dh is my hs school sweetheart:( and yes, I hear you, but really, my's worse than yours......or anyone I read about. Yes, some things they did were worse, but as a whole........oh, I hate them so much.........and dh's family............ugh......but how can that happen? is the thing...I KNOW I've got problems......but how can you? HOW can you know my life and my past and still say these things?
    Got that knife still sitting there.....this is so NOT like me, cant' do it to my dd.......sitting here bleeding cuz........I've never done this.........I get it now.
    Topaz03 replied to Topaz03's response:
    shoot, I didn't mean to say that. I'm so sorry. I totally love you..........I dont' have anyone to call and don't know what is wrong......just sliced my wrist, but it's not that bad, and it's not like me:(
    I can't stand it anymore............I dont' understand.........I've been nice to everyone...........pls don't tell.............not bad to the point where I'd die, I can't do that, cuz I love my dd more than this life...........why am I punishing myself.........
    Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff replied to Topaz03's response:
    Dear Topaz,

    Please stop and take a deep breathe, you speak of your daughter, you obviously care and love her so very much, stop for her and for yourself.

    You deserve to feel good and be treated great, please reach out to friends for help. If you feel you do not have a friend you could call right now, please call someone with Crisis Resources .

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please let us know you called someone to talk to,
    Topaz03 replied to Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff's response:
    (((Elizabeth)) Thank you so much. I have tears running down my face because I don't know what else. I'm sorry. The blood has dried and I've never ever done this before. I don't understand why someone would hurt someone else like this unless they dont' know better.......and I don't get it. I've never had a family and I've never had anyone stick by me and I hope to see this all get better and I wish everyone would just be nice to each dh says he can't stand me anymore and um.............well.............mabey tomorrow will be better, but he will wake up and think all he said to me tonite was all words.
    plZ help me cuz I dont think ppl should talk to each other that way..
    slik_kitty responded:
    ok, here goes. you're probably going to hate me for this, but i'm gonna say it cuz it needs to be said. i just hope that you will listen for once.

    abusers will always be abusers. they do not change. your dh (and d doesn't stand for dear) is an abuser. he is not going to change. it is no excuse to abuse another person because you were abused yourself as a child. we are all responsible for our choices in life, no matter what our pasts hold. he is responsible for his behavior. excusing him because he had a bad childhood is only hurting you and your daughter. saying that he was the only one to ever support you, doesn't excuse it either. because if he truely supported and loved you, he wouldn't behave the way he does towards you.

    you say he is better now. well, even if he is better, he is still abusing you. he may not be doing what he used to do, but he is still abusing you. he has no right to say the things he does to you. no right at all. you are a person and deserve to be loved and not abused. i can think of all sorts of names to call him, and none of them are nice. he is still abusing you, yet you still take it. you still defend him. when will this end? only you can end it, by taking your daughter and leaving.

    what is it going to take for you to see reality? look at you tonight. you are not an sh'er and yet you are starting to do it cuz of all the pain inside. please stop before it goes any further. it's a horrible habit to break. it may bring relief, but only for short periods of time, and you will carry the scars for life.

    now for the really tough talk. you need to get a backbone. you are way too wishy washy. you say things, you take it back. you do things, you take it back. you want to reach our for help, but are too scared to tell us the truth about what is behind it all. believe me, what some of us have been through, nothing will shock us. talk to us. let us know what is really behind this all. tell us why you can't commit to what you say. tell us what has hurt you so badly that you cannot stand up for yourself.

    you have got to take a stand. you have to put your foot down and say that you are not taking the abuse any more. tell him that if he wants a biker chick, then he can move out of the house and go find himself one, cuz you are not going to listen to his put downs any more. you are not going to cringe in fear any time he gets angry. you are not going to excuse him for actions that he is fully responsible for, no matter what is in his past.

    if he won't leave, then you leave. take your daughter and go somewhere away from him. get out of there before it destroys you, cuz it will destroy you. it's already starting to. get out before it is too late. please. listen to me. you have to get out. you have to find a safer, happier life. there are men out there who will treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. you have support and friends here. we are behind you all the way. i know going out into the unknown is scary, but it isn't as scary as staying in a situation that could mean your death in the end. get out! get away! get better. hugs
    Topaz03 replied to slik_kitty's response:
    (((kitty))) No, I'll never ever hate you, for the rest of my life, you will always hold a special place......I have gashes.......and um......swollen wrists.........I swear, I've never done this, I can't stand it. I dont' know who I am, but I know that this isnt' right, and I am NOT supposed to be this way

    No, he won't take me dd. you dont' get it, but what I do get is that he's got his problems.........this is true. He loves me and and etc.........can't talk..............
    How can I live on my own when I can't take care of myself? hugs
    Topaz03 replied to Topaz03's response:
    he took me out, but they sat us in a crowded room and right away, I thought, I'm gonna die and he says I take you out and you complain......
    BUT he was abused as a kid..........and I mean he was so this is all a mess......and idk but I know I can't live like this I know that.and this is THE first time I've sliced my wrists. I tried to kill myself before, long story years ago)..........WHY did I do that? I'll never tell my t. and.........the knife it's just there, and if it were not for my dd and God help me and really, it's all the hope I've got. His family all manages to blame it on me.......and well, I don't have this is why I've trailed off into my fantasy world, which has gotta stop
    Topaz03 replied to Topaz03's response:
    He IS ten times better..........just wishing I wasn't here........and looking for the self harm board,and idk......had too much to drink, yes, but looking for an escape. I've never done this and could just..............idk..........should really just go to bed
    IrwinsLady replied to Topaz03's response:
    oh sweetie i am sorry you are going through this, i really am. Im here for you and believe me ive been in your situation before. i wish you the best and try to take deep breathes to calm down a little. Big hugs.
    -Taylor, Bipolar 1/Psychosis, PTSD, Comprehensive Dyslexia, ADHD

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