Bipolar Disorder Community

[TRIGGER] What am I supposed to do when I have already convinced myself that people would be better without me?

My kids would be happier, my husband would be happier...Yeah...they might be sad for a couple months...but when they see there's no more uncontrollable rage from mommy, or heavy-handed spanking...or screaming...or etc...

So...what do you do when you've already convinced yourself that it's the truth?

Anon you could always uncovince your self or find some one will help you see the truth which is no matter how bad it seems your kids need you to stay alive. My mom left me early (Died) when i was five years old. She was very violent at times but i tell you no matter what problems she would have had i would give any thing to have had her live even if that meant she was extremely flawed for the rest of her life. That i could learn to live with. No mother at all I will never be cool with that. There are a ton of options to get help including a suicide hot-line list on the side of this page listed under resources. please let some one convince you that you are needed. Do not let even one more child suffer from not having a mother to love them. GET HELP PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU.

Matt

Anon,

I really feel for you because I've been there, believe me. It sounds like you have a lot of guilt on your shoulders and I certainly can understand that, also. With me, I felt guilty over anything and everything. I'd have a insignificant fight with my sister and end up downing a bottle of sleeping pills because I felt so guilty.

I can't really comment on the things you feel guilty about, because of course I'm not a witness. But offing yourself isn't the answer. Your husband and kids would wonder if it was their fault if you killed yourself. Understand that I am not trying to make you feel more guilty. I know how upside down our thinking can get when we're depressed. I know I was convinced that killing myself was a altruistic thing to do.

You seem to have several issues going on. I am not a shrink, but I'll share with you what I've learned about dealing with this disease.

1 Medication is very important for severe depression and. If you are not under psychiatric care.then you need to find a doctor ASAP. If you already have a doctor then you need to talk with him about changing your meds if they aren't working for you.

2. It would be a good idea to get some counseling. A good counseler would help you find better ways of dealing with your kids and handling your feelings.

3. You need support from others, whether it is online or in person. You might want to see if there are any depression support groups in your area. DO NOT TRY TO GO IT ALONE!

These are the basics that have worked for me.

One of the most insidious things that depression does is make you feel helpless. But I have found that I feel better if I start to take some positive steps for recovery. You may not feel that you have options, but you do.

Getting back to your original topic, if you have convinced yourself that people would be better off without you, you can unconvince yourself also. It's not always easy, but it can be done.Just keep in mind that your feelings are just that,feelings, they have no substance.

I hope this helps. I know that you may not feel it, but there is hope.

[TRIGGER] (TRIGGERS)

Hey, Matt. I know this subject is taboo on the boards, but I don't want to talk to anyone else about it.

If I tell my therapist, I am terrified she will lock me up and throw away the key. And if I try to confide in my husband, he gets scared and talks about calling the police.

Each time I have suicidal thoughts, it gets harder to convince myself that my family would somehow benefit from me staying.

Nothing ever seems to get better. We pile on the meds and the depression gets worse and my anger gets worse. I don't want to be medicated but I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want the cure-all.

Thank you for sharing that about your childhood. Even though it's probably upsetting to you, it has helped me reconsider.

Your words will help me think twice in the future.

-Anon

One of the problems that I have is not that I don't have a support system. Fortunately, I do.

The bad part about my support systems is that they tend to overreact. Even at the slightest hint that I'm not 100% myself, it's almost as if we are having Armageddon. It gets tiresome and I just end up internalizing my thoughts, rather than sharing them with anyone.

It's funny what you said about being altruistic...that's exactly how I think (when I am having these thoughts...which is only once in awhile...not daily).

I desperately want to tell my therapist but I don't want to get institutionalized. If that happens to me, it's over. Getting "locked up" is not the answer for me. First of all, I'm a control freak and losing that much control over myself would be unfathomable. And secondly, I don't want to be locked up. Period. It's the psychiatrist and therapist job to find the right combination of meds and therapy to get me up and running. I've done my part: Shown up, told the truth and taken the medicine.

I have a meds management appointment on the 26th. I am going to ask the psych to up the dosage or switch up the meds.

Thank you for posting and thank you for responding. It's been something I have needed to talk about for a long time. I know everyone on here gets upset with this kind of talk, but I just mainly needed to get it off my chest, more than anything else.

-Anon

Triggers

Laura
there are plenty of way to get help. find the strength you need to make it through this you will be soarly missed on this board as well as the supporter board. My mothers death devastated our family I even lost an uncle to drinking a few years ago after twenty years of not being able to cope with the fact that he could not protect her he had always looked out for her up to that point and her death destroyed him sent him spiraling in to one self destructive behavior after another he was headed twoard a career as a author before she died a book deal was in the works with options for three more if that one worked out he never signed the deal. He tried to come around for my sake for a while but in the end his guilt got the best of him. suicide can devastate please get help. I miss my mother every day do what is wright stay alive.

Your friend Matt

Laura I just read you post to Pixie5 be strong hold in there until you can get to the doc. By the way the mental hospital is not as bad as it seems my wife is the ultimate control freak but she learned to cope she made it work because she wanted to live if you voluntarily go into get help you may only have to be in one day or two and if you find the right place you get to keep may freedoms such as phone use. but either way be safe. I look forward to talking to you again

Matt

Anon,

I think you need to talk about whatever bothering you.,even the "scary" things. I'm glad that you came here and got this off your chest.

As far as support, I don't know whether it's family and friends that you are talking to, but it is also a good idea to talk with people who have "been there"

I think that it is very unlikely that you would be "locked up" if you talked to your therapist about this. What she would say is 'do you have a plan?" If you don't, then you are off the hook.
However, if you do have a plan you should be honest with the therapist.

As far as being hospitalized, the average stay is about a week. There is little chance that they would "throw away the key."

My experience is that if I have hurt myself,or are planning to, that they can put me on a "hold" to evaluate my mental state. That is only for a few days (I've forgotten how many) I was in the locked ward once and got out of it just by saying that I felt better!

Basically, they can't keep you if you're not suicidal or homicidal. And if you are on a hold, they can't keep you past it unless you show signs of wanting to hurt yourself.

I hope this will reassure you. Although I'd definately don't want to the hospital again, but it really isn't that bad. They have therapy groups and you can make crafts. Of course I would rather spend a week in the Bahamas!

I am concerned about you, though because you seem to be in bad shape. If you feel like you are definately going to kill yourself then you can check in the hospital as a voluntary patient. It will keep you safe and you can leave whenever you want.

I hope this helps.

Silly me...I posted anonymously and then "outed" myself...

*Sigh*

I don't feel like I'm suicidal. I just have fleeting thoughts sometimes. I want to share these fleeting thoughts with people around me (husband or therapist) but the husband doesn't know how to deal with it. No matter how calm I try to remain when we talk about these thoughts, he gets extremely upset (rightfully so) and demands that we call the police together.

I don't want to call the police. I just wanted to unburden myself of the thoughts that I sometimes have.

I have an appointment next week with my therapist and I guess I will have to let her know what's going on. She always asks me when we start the session if I have been having suicidal thoughts. I always answer 'no' because I don't feel like that's what's going on with me. More like "What-if's"...

Anyways - thank you for letting me vent a little and get it on the table. Thank you for your input. It really does help me put things into perspective.

I will talk to my therapist on Friday.

-Laura

Thank you for listening and not "freaking out," as I call it.

I have been at the point in my life where there was "a plan." But not right now. These are more like "What if..." thoughts.

I cannot go to a mental ward. I just can't. For many reasons. One being, I just don't want to. And two, I am the only person in the house with a job. I can't afford to lose the job. I have health insurance on my kids, husband and myself through this job.

I am in bad shape, but it's because these stupid medicines are not doing their job. I'm holding up my end of the "deal" by going to therapy and taking the meds when I'm supposed to.

And, like I told Matt, I have a meds management appointment on the 26th and then I have my therapy on the 4th of February. I guess I will start out the session by admitting to the thoughts that I have been having the last couple of weeks.

Thanks for letting me admit on here without having my posts reported. I'm not suicidal...I just needed to vent a little about the thoughts that run through my head once in awhile.

And the support that I have is through my husband of almost eight years and also my parents.

PS - I outed my Anon postings by forgetting to post anonymously! *Eyes rolling*

-Laura

Laura i think I over reacted a little bit but this is a sensitive subject for me and I was really starting to worry because i was just starting to get used to your comments on the family support page. What ever is going on stay safe. I look forward to talking to you again.

Matt

I knew people would overreact...but I had to get it out there somehow. It has been two weeks since the thoughts started and I haven't told anyone about it.

I'm glad it was you that responded. I don't cry that often, and your first response to me made me cry. (And I'm sitting at my desk at work!)

So...it was meant to be...all things happen for a reason, I think.

I kind of feel like an intruder on the other group. Nobody asks questions but me! I feel like I'm lurking. LOL.

-LJ

India,They dont institutionalize anyone any more.If you admitt yourself you can leave at any time.If its an involintary hold they only keep you three days,then you can leave or stay at your own will.Also your therapist wont be shocked if you tell her how you feel.trust me,shes heard way worse than that,she wont flip out.Speaking from experience,they dont even flip out if you tell them your homicidal.Her job is not to commit everyone that thinks about SH.She may sugest that you admit yourself or she will probably just try and talk some sense into you.The movies have done a great job of scarying everyone away from mental hispitals.They are nothing like they show on TV.Im not even trying to suggest that you should admitt youraself.i am however suggesting that you do tell someone professional how you feel.Even the clergy are skilled with that kind of thing,if your religious.Hope the best for you.
Royce

Hi Laura,

I'm so glad that you are going to talk to your therapist and doctor. I know it's a hard road and often you have to try many things before you know what works for you. And believe me, I have often wished that I could just take one pill and then everything would be fixed.

As for going to a mental ward, I think that you are ok now. But just know that if you really need it, it's there. There is no shame in asking for help. Also, a doctor's note will keep you from getting fired. I don't know where you live but you might qualify for state disabilty to cover the days that you were sick. Or your place of employment might have a plan. And don't be scared that people would find out about your stay, they are not allowed to give out info without your consent.

I hope I don't sound too preachy, but I used to work at a consumer-run mental health social center .and I am used to giving people advice based on my own story. Obviously, I can't tell anyone what to do, but I do have some very strong opinions

I hope you continue to come here. Good Luck!