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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
mary
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dem24 posted:
ok this is moved here. i have been here so long ir was hard foe me to make a total break this is the only thing i had that was ok, hurting you or anybody else was never my intent because i love you like my family.. i am not the first person this happened, to. as far as the other post goes. it was not mintues that it stayed there it was weeks. and i know i have to solve my own problems, you called your self my friend thanks friend, how you do that? know it plays in my how you said friends forever and to see this. i now really do not trust anyone
Reply
 
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dem24 responded:
am not writing on that board about this. i owned up to what i have done, yea i did say that reply because i thought we had a good friendship[ and i did not want to lose it, i do not understand why you feel the need to take ownership of what other people do on here, i do not blame people here for problems. i just do not get any postive support on rhis side of the computer so when i cane here i was safe, everybody told me that i belonged here and that was so special, but it just a upset to watch anything i wrote just fade like it did, if i wrong i am sorry i am human, i an sorry about your mother in law passing. i do how that feels when mt aunt passed i felt horrible i kept saying i would go see her i and i never did, i am going go for now before i say something i can not take back,
 
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marysings replied to dem24's response:
I am sorry for what I wrote. This past month has been hell for me and yet you are angry that I didn't find the time to read your posts and answer them?

I have never stopped caring about you.

I am a selfish person. I am mired in my depression, angry at the world for the loss of my mother in law who was more of a mom to me than my own mother. I'm angry with myself that last Friday I chose to stay home and sleep rather go see her.

I am angry that my parents betrayed me. Their abuse is forefront in my mind - ALL the time.

I am angry with myself that I can't be here and support you like I need to. If you choose to hate me, I will understand. If you choose to love me, then let's stop bringing up what's happened in the past several weeks. Posting about all of that is not helping either of us.

Love,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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dem24 replied to marysings's response:
wrote a long one to you before but as always they lost, i am in to much pain to go through it again. you need to stop thinking that you are the obe yo answer all the posts. i do not hate you bur i am hurt. the only thing i am trying to get you to see it is not to late for you to sing to her, i want you to have peace with this, i also know about the test for lupus, i just want to not have the guilt make what you going through worse, i will be check in on you again, it was hard to stay away. you and chris and caprice i have grown close to.
 
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dem24 replied to dem24's response:
was ; looking over your post. i was never angry at you not answering the post. i just could not understand why you did not answer the one i wrote to support you, i know tour probally in bed, but if you do get to this before you leave. please sing for she will hear you, you need to give yourself closeure
 
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lostsouls21 replied to dem24's response:
letting you know i have changed my user name. i will not be going to be going by dem anymore, i will checking in later. i hope with mt heart that you get to sing thus moring, you need to give yourself peace and not carry around that guilt, i wanted to ask you what her name was , i do not like calling her like this
 
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marysings replied to lostsouls21's response:
She has been known as Granny since her first grandchild was born. She was 4'10" tall and weighed less than 90 pounds when she died. She loved me very much and when Albert would visit her without me, she always wanted reassurance that I was all right. She was better to me and my kids than my own mother was. She was nosy as all get out and I would get ticked at her often but soon learned that a bitter spirit was a waste of time and energy. I loved Granny and I will miss her.

No, I will not sing at the funeral today. I have chosen to read II Corinthians 1:3-7. It is a paragraph in the Bible that talks about the comfort of God in the midst of our troubles.

I need to stop and get ready for the funeral. It's at 11 and I have only 40 minutes to finish getting ready.

Love,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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dem24 replied to marysings's response:
hope you were able you get some closure yesterday
 
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marysings replied to dem24's response:
Yes, I have closure now.

I had a good session with Dr.B this afternoon. We mostly just talked about how I am doing. I dissociated three times. Poor Dr.B - he would be talking and off I floated into my mind.

He asked how I did at the funeral and I told him I did well. I spoke for the family and thanked those who were there. I read the scripture and didn't get tongue-twisted. After the graveside service, Albert and I got up from our chairs and removed all the long stem roses from the casket top flower arrangement. We had white, pink, and lavender roses. We gave a rose to all the ladies and the men and boys of the immediate family.

Albert's brother and his family were here at our house for three days/two nights. We were talking today and realized that none of them ever took a shower while they were here. ugh

Also, his brother left the church's meal early (served to the family after the service) and actually left town! We are stuck with writing a LOT of thank you notes for the food and floral arrangements. I think his brother is an ass!

I am incredibly tired. Dr.B told me to pamper myself and get lots of sleep over the next week. I think he gave me some good advice.

Love,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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lostsouls49 replied to marysings's response:
that is what mattered
 
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marysings replied to lostsouls49's response:
Is this lostsouls21 with another new name?
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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lostsouls49 replied to marysings's response:
sorry about that i forgot the password for that one, how are you?
 
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lostsouls49 replied to lostsouls49's response:
just letting you know i was thinking o f you i miss talking to you, you are very special mary. you owned up to what you did, now its my turn i am sorry for everything, i hope you can forgive me. i love you mary
 
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marysings replied to lostsouls49's response:
Of course I forgive you. I treasure our relationship.

My older son and his family are here for the weekend. We also have our other grandson who lives in Washington DC. The four kids are ages 10.5, 7.75, 7.75, and 6.5. They are so much fun. I wish I could really enjoy our time together. Instead I am teetering on the edge of a humongous pit. My depression is at an all time high. I can't get into a psychiatrist until July 15. I keep wondering will I make it until then?

I talked to Dr.B yesterday evening and he suggested I write, write, write. I've done some writing but it takes a lot of energy. He doesn't like it when I write on the computer because if I write by hand, he can see subtle changes in my mood through my handwriting.

I am just so incredibly tired. I think I could sleep for days and still be tired.

Thank you for the support you have given to me for the past month. I love you very much.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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lostsouls49 replied to marysings's response:


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