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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
just saying hi
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joynevercomes2me posted:
hi. i kinda just jumped into this by replying to that other post. so let me start over. i'm joy, and i'm new here. recently started therapy and because of my horribly boring job, i've found these communities. i have major (severe) depression, generalized anxiety disorder, generalized mood disorder, borderline personality disorder, insomnia, and high blood pressure. i take celexa, wellbutrin, risperdal, trazodone, hydroxyzine, and two meds for blood pressure. i've been hospitalized once, and almost feel like i'd be better off being back in there. the only support i have is my therapist, but because i just started with her a couple months ago, i'm not up to trusting her completely yet. i've pretty much shut myself off from everyone and stay to myself alot. so i thought maybe getting on here might help me talk to folks cuz for me, it's lots easier to talk to someone when you don't have to look them in the eye. and i'll warn you i'm not good with having friends so if i pull away or say something i shouldn't it's not personal...it's just me. Thanks for your Reply!
Reply
 
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marysings responded:
Hi Joy! We sure do have a lot in common. My diagnosis' are severe depressive disorder, PTSD, generalized anxiety, and Borderline Personality. I take trazadone to get to sleep but I wake early, early in the morning. I have very low blood pressure so I have to monitor it daily. I also have fibromyalgia with chronic pain that seems to never go away. I have a spine that is deteriorating...lots of missing discs, bulging discs, and crumbling discs. My ortho doc wants me to lose more weight before I have surgery. I had 95 pounds to lose and I'm halfway through.

Oh jeeze, you didn't need all that information.

I hope you eventually find that you can trust your therapist. I've been blessed with Dr.B for 8 1/2 years. He is a psychologist with additional training in trauma. He also has a doctorate degree in Forgiveness Therapy. I trust him very much although it was rough in the beginning simply because I didn't think I needed to be in therapy. I even did not keep an appointment and then I received a call and Dr.B said "You WILL be in my office next Tuesday at 1pm!"

I'm glad I have stuck it out. We are very close to finishing the trauma counseling. Dr.B has told me that I can stay with him or see someone closer to home...I drive 2hrs20min to his office. It's a long drive but I wanted a Christian counselor. I haven't decided what to do about going to someone else. Shoot - I'm still seeing Dr.B weekly!

I'm glad you found this community. We are quite a collection of personalities. I tend to ramble when I answer a post. Other's give short answers and some get right to the heart of things. I hope you'll stay here and always remember that as Borderlines we are bound to rub each other wrong. The thing is that we don't get offended and begin attacking. That happened this spring and there were a lot of hurt feelings. I told everyone that learning to handle people in this community can only help us when we are out in that great big world.

Oh, enough Mary!

Welcome, Joy! We will all look forward to getting to know you better.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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joynevercomes2me replied to marysings's response:
hi mary. thanks for responding. i know i'm not "alone" in all this, but why do i feel so alone all the time in dealing with all this? i only have the support of my therapist. she's the best one i've ever seen and she seems to truly understand. if my parents even knew i was seeing a therapist...omg i'd never hear the end of the chastising and questioning. i feel like i'm such a mess and mental case. most of the time i'd rather just not be here anymore. so many things have gone wrong in my life that i just don't see the point in trying to get better when i'd just be better off dead. sigh

so anyway...you mentioned something about "forgiveness therapy" what is that and how does that work? see, my therapist and i have talked about me needing to forgive myself for some things, but i just don't see it as possible. she says it's important, but i feel like i deserve to live with it so i don't forget the things i've done and do them again. i don't know...maybe i'm rambling now, too. i just don't get how i'm supposed to forgive myself and how that's supposed to make things any better.

i'm so confused by so much anymore.
 
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marysings replied to joynevercomes2me's response:
After many discussions with Dr.B (who has a Doctorate in Forgiveness Therapy), we agreed with the need for my forgiveness to those who had hurt me.

If I did not forgive, I would spend the rest of my life with bitterness and hate in my heart. That's not how God wants us to live. From the time of the first sin in the Garden of Eden to the day that Jesus Christ died on the cross, God demanded that man offer a sacrifice to Him as atonement for their sins. When Jesus was crucified, died on the cross, and then was raised again after three days, He replaced the need for man to offer their/our atonement for our sins.

God does not allow sin in His life. Remember in the scripture that Jesus cried from the cross "Father, why have You forsaken Me?" God turned away from Jesus on the cross when Jesus began to bear the weight of our sins upon Himself. When we ask Jesus to come into our hearts and forgive us of all our sins, He does that because He has already paid the price of our sin. Jesus is our representative. When we get to heaven, Jesus will stand with us before God and proclaim that we have believed and our sins are forgiven. Belief in Jesus Christ is all we need to get into heaven. We still sin and we still ask forgiveness for our sins but we are now the children of God.

Forgiveness isn't about the person who hurt us. They probably will never need to know that they have been forgiven. Forgiveness is for me. For me, so I don't have to spend the rest of my life angry. You've seen old, crotchety people, haven't you? I don't like being around them and their negative outlook on life. I want to be able to sleep at night without hate or malice towards other people. I want to find happiness and contentment so I can grow old gracefully.

Forgiving means erasing a wrong. In my own experience, I realize that I have truly forgiven my abuser because my heart-pain over the wrong has decreased and I feel no turmoil over the situation. I can talk about the incident and not feel my stomach tighten or my voice become constricted. I have no tears, no anguish, no hateful thoughts.

Forgiveness is truly a blessing from God. When we forgive, we can be at peace with ourselves.

I had 5 abusers: my father and mother, my uncle, a girl and a boy. I have yet to forgive my parents. Their abuse has been revealed to me recently and then was actually verified by a friend of my mothers. I will eventually forgive my parents but I am not ready to do that anytime soon.

I have forgiven by writing letters to my abusers. They will NEVER be mailed. Writing let me express all my emotions to them individually and then allowed me to forgive each one. It wasn't easy but it helped me tremendously to know that their abuse was taken care of and it behind me now.

I hope this has been helpful to you.
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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joynevercomes2me replied to marysings's response:
ok...i understand what you're saying...but, well, i have major issuses with God, but i don't need to forgive other people, i need to forgive MYSELF. so how am i supposed to do that? i don't think writing myself a letter will do much. you don't have to respond or have any answers...these are just my crazy thoughts.
 
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marysings replied to joynevercomes2me's response:
You know what joy? I haven't forgiven myself either. I carry so much guilt and shame. I know in my head it doesn't belong to me, but my heart tells me something else.

I have done some work with my inner child - right hand/left hand writing. Have you ever tried that? You need a quiet place with no distractions. Close your eyes and 'see' that inner child. Then pick up a pen and using your dominant hand, welcome her and ask how old she is. Put the pen in your other hand, do some more closed eye thinking, then begin to write. You may be surprised what comes out of your writing. The end result will be several pages of dialogue.

After you develop a relationship with your inner child, you might do some more RH/LH writing and ask forgiveness from the child for your failure to keep her safe when she was being abused. My inner child gets mad everytime I try to do that. Hopefully your inner child will cooperate. When you have received forgiveness from your inner child, then you can work on forgiving yourself. For myself, I expect that will be through writing a letter to myself.

When your therapist gets you to the point of forgiving yourself, would you share it here?

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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joynevercomes2me replied to marysings's response:
yes Mary..i will. i hope i can post more at some point. writing on here somehow wears me out. i guess i've just been thru so many people letting me down that i'm just not sure if it's worth trying to reach out to anyone. i don't want to get hurt, and i don't want to hurt anyone else. i've pulled away from everyone around me, except for some reason i found myself talking to one of my neighbors about my issues. she was sincerely concerned and agreed that i'd been thru enough for my 34 years. she told me i'm not allowed to give up, but i sure feel like that'd be so much easier. i'm gathering all the info i need to apply for SSI, but i know my parents will blow a few gaskets if i let them know i'm even thinking about that. anyway, guess i'll let ya know how things go. oh yeah, and what's all the stuff i see about triggers?? ttyl
 
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marysings replied to joynevercomes2me's response:
You should always put TRIGGER in the subject line of a post that speaks of specific abuse actions. Religious posting is also a trigger for some, so since I often talk about God, I try to remember to put TRIGGER at the top of my post.

I see that I forgot to do that in this conversation thread. oops

I understand your reluctance to share information. That's ok. No one will ever push you to share. It's your choice.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.


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