Borderline Personality Disorder Exchange

this is a serious post...i'd really like to know your experiences.

Hey joy"026I started to write a response today, but got distracted I promise to post it later today"026

Over the years I always had friends. I was in such denial that I convicted myself there was nothing wrong with me. I stopped seeing my shrink and blamed all my problems on external factors, although deep down I knew that something was just wrong, I was a convincing actor. When it came to relationships it was a whole different ball game. Last November, after a couple months of serious therapy, I met a special girl and our relationship (with its ups and downs) lasted half a year. Until that point I was basically a robot, I didn't show feelings. The feelings I did reveal were ones of anger and hate, I couldn't handle the more gentle feelings. my ex used to always complain how I don't talk; I don't tell her what I feel. She tried so hard to get me to talk, to be real, but I just couldn't do it. I also think that when you hate yourself so much, it's hard for someone else to love you or for you to love them... To answer the question: I think that after enough therapy and hard work, I believe it is possible. we would have to be truly honest to ourselves and our spouse and continue to work very hard, but I think even BPD's can be happy one day"026 if I didn't ruin it with my ex or if I was diagnosed a few months earlier (I broke up with her, I convinced myself I hated her,) we would probably still be together and things would've been much easier. At the same time I think that pain is part of growth and is the reason I made so much progress over the past few months( although I know I have a very very long way to go).
Didn't mean 2 tell my life story, hope it was helpful..

I was absolutely miserable at home and I was deeply in love with Albert. How God worked it all out is really beyond me. At one point in our relationship, Albert talked about dating other people but I never did and he didn't either. I think we were maybe apart for a week. It wasn't long, I do know that.

My mental health problems did not come along until I was in my 40s. I can look back and see where the Borderline problems were beginning around then. I didn't know why I couldn't keep friends, I hated myself, but I was also busy raising a couple of boys and working full time. My mother was a constant pain in the rear and I often wanted her dead. And then on that snowy Saturday in December 2002, she screamed at me for one last time. Not even 30 minutes later (I was 48) I had the breakdown and my life came crashing to the ground.

Since that breakdown, I have alienated so many people. I don't even realize that I do it and often Albert has cried when I burn another bridge. I find myself very unlikable - by myself and by others (mindreading is what Dr.B says I do). No matter, when someone tries to get close, I pull away. I still carry too much shame about my abuse and I feel as though I am poison to others.

I am very blessed that Albert has tremendous love for me. He's been through a lot since my breakdown. There have been times when he threw up his hands in disgust and vowed that he was leaving but he never has left me yet.

I wish you didn't have to live lonely. I don't have any suggestions for you and I'm sorry about that.

I do give pretty nice hugs: ((((((((JOY))))))))

Mary

after reading that i so much i wanted to answer that, i am so tried and so heartbroken i just can. please know that, i love you guys with all my heart

i'm seriously trying not to cry while i sit here at work typing this......mary, so you actually have people who try to get close to you? can you ask Albert how it is that he loves you so much so stick by you thru everything? no one has ever truly loved me (my ex of 10 yrs put on a damn good show and made all kinds of promises to fool me into a relationship) and there's never been anyone in my life (school kids, etc) who's ever WANTED to be friends with me.....i always knew there was something wrong with me, and now that i pretty much know what it is......damn it i'm tired of being punished for whatever i did!!!!!!! can anybody make this stop?!?!?!?

it's ok dem...i understand your heartbreak and being tired...me too....

dem, I am sorry that you are broken hearted. I know your life has been pretty bad for quite some time. I wish I knew how to help you. You'll just have to settle for my prayers.

You are a very loving and kind person. I wish that your life could reflect that love back to you.

Be good to yourself when you can. Remember you are important to me and others here in this community.

Love,
Mary

I don't have to ask Albert ... I know the answer. We are strong Christians, both born again, both a child of God, both know that when we die we will be in heaven for eternity. Even in the worst of times (such as my suicide attempt), God was taking care of our relationship.

I had my breakdown 8.5 years ago. For a long time Albert would get angry at my depression. It's not always been "pretty" around this house. It has taken the last several years for him to finally understand me, accept my depression, lift me up when I am down, and put me in the hospital when I wasn't safe to care for myself. When the abuse was verified by my mother's 'friend', he finally understood the pain I feel. That said, since April 28 of this year we have nearly become one in this fight to sanity.

Albert now has a totally different outlook on me, on Dr.B, on us. Along with my sister and brother, he always had some doubt about the abuse from my father. And who can blame him? There were physical problems that were taken care of years ago, so essentially it was my word only. And the stuff I was remembering was so horrible, no one could believe me. Dr.B did but he has always believed me. Now I have an army behind me and Albert leads the way.

We've been married 37.5 years. We've had ups and downs like other married couples, however, we've also relied on God to help us.

I truly believe that is the answer to your questions.

Do I feel like I am being punished? In some ways I do. I'm pretty lonely. I don't like to leave the house. I have far too many days when I live in my pajamas all day. I simply hate going out in public because invariably there is some acquaintance who says "How are you doing Mary? Have you been feeling good?" It ticks me off that this entire town has nothing better to do than follow my depression and SI attempts.

I suppose I haven't really answered your questions. If you have more, I'll try to do better. Right now it is 11pm and I'm off to bed. I'll check in here tomorrow some time.

Love,
Mary

TRIGGER - religious

Mary.....................................................................................................................................

this might sound crazy, but how can you be a strong christian and also feel like you're being punished? i feel like i'm being punished BY God. he started punishing me for something i did wrong when i was a child. i don't know what that was, but that's when it all started. at that time, i knew i was being punished but i couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

as a kid growing up in church, i used to try to reach out to God and couldn't figure out why it all never worked out. i went to church camps and cried and talked to counselors about how depressed i was and how i wanted help, but no one could help me. they'd pray for me, but nothing would happen. as i got older, i realized that maybe everybody wasn't meant to be a christian, and i was one of those people. no matter how hard i tried to believe in God and trust him, i never got better. the depression and everything just kept getting worse. so i have given up on trying to get with God cuz to me it's just not love to let folks keep on getting worse and worse til they want to do nothing more than kill themselves.

he may have love for a lot of people out there, but not for me. after being told to read the book and Job and studying it for about a week, i realized that God allowed Satan to do what he did to Job, just sitting there letting it go on like he was watching a game. so he just sits up there and laughs while he watches me drown in depression, anxiety, BPD, and have to take pills to keep my head somewhat above water. i'm just tired of it. really sick and tired of it.

sorry...just needed to write that.......i try not to think about it cuz it just adds to the rest of the stress and crap i exist with. hope i didn't offend you.

Hmmmmmmm ... I wrote:
"Do I feel like I am being punished? In some ways I do."
I have no idea why I wrote that. I don't believe that God punishes. I do believe that God allows Satan to influence people who are willing to hurt others. I believe that both of my parents were evil. My father died when I was 14. My mother has dementia and lives day to day in her own world.

"I'm pretty lonely. I don't like to leave the house. I have far too many days when I live in my pajamas all day."
That's the deep depression. Some day I'll understand why God allowed this to happen to me. It wasn't punishment - I really believe that.

Actually, I should have not written the last two paragraphs of my answer. If it hadn't been 11pm, I might have realized that they weren't necessary.

I did not have many friends growing up. I had no friends in grade school because we moved too often. I had one friend in high school. My self-confidence was in the gutter fueled by a mother who told me daily that I was fat, ugly, stupid, and worthless. I had so many responsibilities at home that my scholastic efforts were minimal. I've been told that I have an IQ of 149 but I am certainly not living up to my potential. My psych testing revealed a woman who hated herself and was terrified of others getting too close. It also was interpreted by a psychologist who said I had a superior IQ and I should have been a doctor/lawyer/engineer. Why God allowed all the abuse is something I'll never understand. And you know, when I get to heaven I'll be a whole person and I won't care about my time on earth.

I am sorry that your attempts at living your life with Christ were futile. I encourage you to find a church that preaches from the Bible ... a church where you CAN find God ... a church that ministers to it's members. Don't go to a non-denominational church. They are often just a feel-good church and don't dig into God's Word.

I'm not sure that this post really explains what I believe. I can't find the words I need. I'm sorry.

Mary