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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
why do i even try?
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joynevercomes2me posted:
you guys are probably getting so tired of hearing from me.... i just don't have anyone else to "talk" to........ ok so here's the thing...i started having some crazy stuff happening in my mind. i started hearing the voice of a little girl. she was talking to me and asking me to play with her. i told her to go away and leave me alone, but she wouldn't. i told her i was going to call K, and she started screaming at me not to call cuz if i did it would make her go away again. ok remember this was all in my mind...i think i'm completely going looney...and i could "see" glimpses of her but it was like she was behind a curtain and i couldn't see her clearly so i couldn't tell if she was someone, or a little me.

anyway...i called and left a message for K. i got no response today...you all can have therapists that call you back or call you and check on you, but i guess i can't. it totally sucks. even though K says she's there for me and i'm not in this alone cuz i have her, the truth is that I REALLY AM ALONE and have no one to talk to.

so i guess it doesn't matter anymore. why keep trying? my life doesn't matter to anyone, so why bother? why keep going? there's no one in my life to make me feel better, or love me, or hold me when i'm feeling like this, so why should i want to stick around???

don't know what to do.........................
Reply
 
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dem242 responded:
let get this straight, people here are not just names on a board, we are family here, we are always there for each other, this i a great place to be from the outside world, i know i havent been very chatty and u am very sorry for that, in the short time you have been here i know you have alot of people that care for you and that you are ab important of this community
 
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Storm224 replied to dem242's response:
Wish I had more than just sympathy and understanding to offer. As dem wrote we all here care and try 2 be there for each other. Although u might think this is "just a website", not true! Like I wrote ,the support I got here helped me to decided not to drink during the weekend(unfortunately got totally wasted at the wedding last night but I'll save it for another post) just remember we care about u"026.
 
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dem242 replied to Storm224's response:
you something storm, i know you have not been here that long either, but i have seen what you have done, your ab important part pf this community and family as well. it is easy to say this is awebsite but you find that it can be so much help when you are dealing with hell off line. i am so sorry that i have not much help to you both, my depression is really bad and i am alone, i am reading what you both are writing
 
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Storm224 replied to dem242's response:
Thnx dem I am real lucky to be part of this community..on another note.. I think I had the "if u don't get your act together real soon dude ull get fired" talk with my boss today. he didn't actually say it but he did say that although I am highly appreciated both by employees as well as the owners of the company, I didn't prove myself.( he included himself, his new and since he started we lost 2 clients and didn't get any new ones) he said it cannot continue and that we have to get something real soon. It was a friendly talk and I didn't get upset, mostly since I know he's right. The problem is that I feel so bad about myself and have absolutely no confidence. I think going to therapy and working on myself was great but it also caused me to drop my acting face. in the past I would go talk to strangers trying to sell whatever it is I was selling( wasn't always easy, but I would put on my acting face and go out there)today I can't pick up the phone to call potential clients ,start talking to a girl on the bus or just have the ability to appreciate myself. I want to be real and connected to myself, but part of life and especially marketing is about faking it sometimes, being confident when you're not and I just can't pull it off. I think I have around a month to try to make it work..if anyone has any idea 2 help me out..I'm desperate, I am not crazy about my job, but I really need to hold on to it 4 now..

 
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dem242 replied to Storm224's response:
if you really need a good luck in the pants. i ll send mary after you HA HA , love you mary. all kidding a side this are awesome people here, you and i will get to chat more when i can think straight
 
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joynevercomes2me responded:
ok guess i need to clarify some things about this post. 1st of all, i wasn't upset with anyone on here, but i guess everyone read it that way. 2nd, yes you all might be HERE, on this website, each in our own corner of the world, but we are not TOGETHER making so i have someone to physically talk to and possibly get a REAL touch or a REAL hug. the ones we give on here are great...but it's just not the same. 3rd, i was mad at my therapist, mad at the REAL people in my life (there's about 4 of them)

...sorry that stuff wasn't clear....
 
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marysings replied to joynevercomes2me's response:
I can relate to your frustrations, joy. There are sometimes when a REAL hug can make your day.

At least you do know that the people on here care about each other. That may not seem very comforting but on a really bad day, just posting and getting answers is helpful.

Loneliness sucks.

Love,
Mary

((((((((((JOY))))))))))
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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joynevercomes2me replied to marysings's response:
thanks, Mary. yeah if i could have someone actually touch me i think i'd be better off. and yes, loneliness sucks.

when i first read your response, i had a gut reaction, so i had to stop and think and come back to it. i will however tell you my first reaction to reading your response: you don't know what true loneliness is, you have a husband, kids, and grandkids. but after backing up and thinking a little more deeply, i realize that you would know what loneliness is, because in spite of being surrounded by others, sometimes that's where the worst loneliness is. our loneliness is a little different, but still horrible just the same.
 
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marysings replied to joynevercomes2me's response:
Joy, thank you for stepping back and taking a look at the bigger picture. I talk a lot about my family relationships but I do that to convince myself that I have no reason to SI because of my family. I apologize if anyone reads my posts and thinks I have "it all".

I have a husband who is gone from 8am to 6pm everyday running our business. Tuesday afternoons he is off to play golf. Saturdays he is at work 8am to 12noon. That gives him another golf afternoon.

My older son lives 3 hours from here. He and his wife work and their 3 kids are very involved in school and/or community activities.

My younger son lives in Virginia Beach, VA. His son lives in DC with his mother.

Am I lonely? Yes, often physically alone. And always feeling alone. I rarely leave the house. I have no friends to call on the phone except my sister who lives in a town 30 minutes from here.

I drive myself to therapy and back. If I go without stopping, I'm away from home close to 6 hours. And considering what we are working on, I drive straight home.

Yep, I'm lonely.
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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joynevercomes2me replied to marysings's response:
understand where you're coming from. my gut reaction is the one i have a lot when people talk about how they're lonely or sad or bored or whatever, and they have a family or friends to do things with. but going thru years of school and college and life, i know it's really rough when you're surrounded by folks but you're feeling all alone in spite of it.

i pretty much told my one "friend" last nite that i don't think we're meant to be friends. he asked me why and i never answered him, but my response is this: 1st off i guess you'd consider us "friends with benefits," but all he wants is the benefits. he's never satified if i go to his house just to hang out. he won't come to my house, and he won't go out in public with me to go do anything. he's pretty controlling, and i know that's not good for me. i want and need a friend to just hang out with, talk to, and go places with, but to him, going out somewhere (even to take a walk in the park) means it "must be a date" and he doesn't want that. i've talked to K about him before, and she'd like me to find another friend, but i found him on a dating site and i'm not really looking on those anymore because i'm just too messed up and nobody wants me anyway.

so i've succeeded in pushing him away. i don't know exactly why i did that last nite, i was just feeling like he was rejecting me so i rejected him fully first. i'm really stupid, ya know that????
 
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marysings replied to joynevercomes2me's response:
Rejecting him was NOT stupid! According to what I read in your post, he has been using you to satisfy a physical need and nothing else. It's an unhealthy relationship and staying in it would only increase your depression. You made a good choice.

I wish I had more words to help you. You have made a good decision but I also understand your loneliness may increase.

This afternoon I was thinking that I should volunteer at a local nursing home but then I thought how could I do that when I don't have the energy to keep up on my housework?

Hugs,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.


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