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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
Hi, I'm new here... and going completely nuts >.
JustAnotherGirl83 posted:
Possible Self Harm/ED trigger, just an FYI

Hello all, I'm JustAnotherGirl83 (been called simply 'Girl' for short, lol). I am a (relatively) new 28; I live alone except for a cat and dog (the cat I love, the dog I tolerate/love -he was my Grandmas, not of my choosing, and he drives me nuts a lot of the time-). I am a University graduate with a BA in psychology, actually. Like much of the country right now I am currently unemployed. I've engaged in self injury for the past 6 (or 7...) years and some bulimic behavior (probably meet the criteria for bulimia nervosa, restrictive type) off and on (right now it's definitely on) since I was 19.

Anyway, on to why I'm 'going completely nuts'

Honestly this is probably going to be a rambling rant, for the most part. I just want to get it out.

I had yet another pointless therapy session this morning (great start to the morning too... the cold weather -it was 23 F when I got up- sapped my battery and I had to call a friend for a ride and later a jump... should have known it wasn't going to get any better). Since I am unemployed right now I had to try and get medical through the state and despite the information that they got from Mental Health the local Social and Health services folks, in their infinite wisdom, only allowed me in to a program with very limited resources re:mental health. This means that I only get 120 minutes of therapy a month and it is with someone who has next to no experience with BPD (though there are several at Mental Health with extensive experience with the disorder and the people who have it).

Anyway this guy has NO idea what to do with me. He's never consistent, I feel like we're never talking about anything and it seems that he believes it's my fault because I am being difficult. As is typical of many with BPD I am loath to just 'own up' to much of anything but I am very likely to answer honestly when asked a direct question. I also give hints which I wish he would pick up on. I know that this mess here is at least partially my fault, that I should be more direct, but it's hard. For instance he has no idea that on most days I try and consume at most 300 calories and that I work out enough to burn 600 or that I sometimes binge and purge or just flat out purge even though I haven't even binged. Honestly I don't want to tell him and I'm really hoping folks at the doctors office don't notice too soon because I am finally getting thin(er). But I know he needs to know. And I know that such behavior and it's consequences are not helping the BPD, the depression (which I've lived with for 13-14 years or so), the anxiety, and such... but again, I'm thinner and I like it. I want to continue on until I'm at my goal and I don't really think I can handle doing it slowly (honestly it is seeming too slow already and I'm losing... well,I won't say how much as I don't want to trigger TOO badly).

I guess that's it. Therapy is feeling like a waste of time and I'm frustrated. There's a lot more to say but this is already a long post, heh. If you've read this far, I thank you
MarySings responded:
Go to the administration of the Mental Health and request one of the therapists that are qualified to treat you. Stand your ground. Don't leave until you have been assigned a new therapist.

Girl, with the education you have you already KNOW that your eating dissorder is spiraling out of the control. You might also mention that when requesting a new therapist.

I understand your frustration with a therapist that cannot possibly help you. I wish you the best - you deserve to receive the best mental health care. Don't let them decide otherwise.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
JustAnotherGirl83 replied to MarySings's response:
Hi Mary, and thank you for your response

"Go to the administration of the Mental Health and request one of the therapists that are qualified to treat you. Stand your ground. Don't leave until you have been assigned a new therapist."

I wish that would help but unfortunately it's not an option at this time. The funding I receive from DSHS (doled out by the powers that be there in their infinite wisdom) is very limited when it comes to mental health access. There are only three therapists that are part of the 'program' I am allowed by DSHS through Mental health. It's not a program for people with personality disorders. It's a program for folks with sever depression and/or anxiety issues that keep them from working. But it's the only thing the geniuses at DSHS would allow me and as my statistics professor said, 'It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick'. Only so much better though, and I'm finding that the frustration you referred to is making that small amount of 'better' even smaller with each lousy session.

Some possible good news though... when I went to have some stitches looked at a couple weeks ago I learned that one of the guys from Mental health (one I'd worked with a bit thanks to 'crisis funding' they've got going there; one who I liked, was comfortable with, and one who knew what to do with me; not, however, one I was able to continue to work with) is now working at my doctors office. He's not doing therapy, as it were, but more of skills training, if I remember correctly (though I did not know this at first). Anyway, so when I went back (this is about a week ago now) to get the stitches removed I asked the nurse who did it if it might be possible for me to talk with him. Honestly I don't remember if we talked about much at all. I think the first (and to my mind most important) thing I said as I looked at him over my knees (which I was hugging to my chest) was 'Nobody knows what to do with me.'. That's one of the most distressing things to me at this time; no one knows. Not the therapist I see or the doctor I go to (though he at least gives it a go). Anyway since his job is apparently mostly skills training stuff now there was some mindfulness talk and a request that I look that stuff over and give it a try. So I looked it over and came to the conclusion that this is going to be rather harder than I thought at first. But I haven't shared the best part yet, are you ready for it? I'm going back in about a week, just a check in I guess, but this morning I got a phone call from him. And I know I already said that he knows what to do with me but it was totally confirmed when he asked if I'd practiced that mindfulness stuff and especially when he asked if I was going to be able to (gosh I don't remember how he put it exactly) not cut in such a way that might be potentially fatal before I saw him again next week. It's a silly thing to get excited about but the thing is is that this therapist I see at Mental Health (the one who doesn't know what to do with me) is so bad about stuff like that. I'm a cutter, for goodness sake! Ask about it! My last session took place just about a week after this same Mental Health therapist ended up coming to the ER to see me because I had cut badly enough to require stitches... and the only thing he asked me re:said cut was whether or not it was healing. He should have asked me if I had done any more cutting since then (I had, it should have been stitched but by that time I had tape so I just taped it up) but since he doesn't know what he's doing...

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I'm tired, lol.

Last thing... 'Happy' as I am about any helpful contact with He-Who-Knows-What-He's-Doing I'm a little worried I'll be in trouble at my next session with the guy from Mental Health. They talk, I know that much, and I'm afraid he might be less than pleased about my asking to see the other guy... like I don't think he's good enough (which I don't but still...).

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