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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
Anon_61744
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marysings posted:
I would be interested to know what you read that makes it appear that I have good self-esteem and confidence.

The truth is that I have absolutely no self-esteem. I'm pretty sure that if I show any confidence then I have succeeded in bluffing. I tend to not make decisions for fear of making a mistake. I'm a Type A Perfectionist ... even though I am finding it more and more difficult to stay that way.

I've lost all interest in keeping a clean house, cooking, ironing, etc. My bathrooms are a wreck. I often say that if OSHA would drop by, my house would be written up for far too many health violations.

I would be glad to chat with you anytime.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
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mimi0555 responded:
I'm sorry. When you said you were stronger willed I guess I was under the impression that you had high self confidence. Like you, I am a type A personality, a perfectionist, have had an eating disorder, and diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety disorder. Can't sleep without a sleeping pill and each day is a challenge. I have such a hard time making a decision because I am afraid I might make the wrong one. I have lived insidious Arabi for 27 years and , although I am blessed with a wonderful family, still have a difficult time living with all the restrictions on women. I am currently in Paris for a edding and will return to Saudi Ina few days. Tell mee a Tell me a little about yourself' Mimi
 
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candykissesaresweet replied to mimi0555's response:
Mary is a kind . person with a lot of special blessings, it is hard for her to see what we see, welcome
 
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marysings replied to mimi0555's response:
I grew up with a toxic mother. I was told daily that I was stupid, ugly, fat, and worthless. In fact, even after I married, I was continually berated for being "less than". My brother and sister moved away but because my husband and I have a business, I stayed. Life continued with raising 2 sons and noticing the effect of her negative comments with my sons. I put a stop to it, which only increased the amount of comments I received.

Sat., Dec 28, 2002, 10am, she called and demanded I take her shopping. I said no. She kept pushing and I said no. Finally she called me a bunch of names and hung up. I melted. I called my pastor's wife, she came over, and I cried for more than 3 hours. I had a breakdown. I had a breakdown because of a mother who was mean, hateful, unloving.

I have several diagnosis'
  • severe depressive disorder
  • generalized anxiety
  • PTSD
  • Borderline Personality
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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ChevalierO replied to marysings's response:
I grew up with a toxic mother too. But she was more subtle about her abuse. I believe she too suffered from BPD. She was the type to be to me, "I hate you, please don't leave me." She needed me to be dependent upon her. Whenever I expressed independence, she would act out.

I too stayed back to care for her--she was disabled. I regret in retrospect that I had sacrificed like I did, but I was a good daughter, and in that respect I have no regrets.

I am sorry that your mother created such hardship and grief in your life. It is good that you have recognized her toxic ways and have taken steps to shelter your children from her.

I have a sister that I keep a healthy distance from now, because I finally recognize that same toxic means my mother expressed. I am better for it. I do acknowledge my part: that I suffer BPD and therefore am difficult to deal with at times. But I am working on it with a great therapist.

Like you, I have co-occurring disorders:
MDD, Bipolar II, PTSD.

My meds are helping as well. We are still in the 'tweaking phase.' My meltdown came in 1998 while in military service. The BPD seemed to occur as a result of the PTSD.
 
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oldnotwise replied to marysings's response:
I am so glad you stood firm. It is a positive action. I have a mother who also tore me down. However in a opposite way. She constantly said I thought I was better than everyone. A friend of hers called me Queenie. I would hear them talking about me. She was especially cruel physically and emotionally to one brother. All my symblies have hard lives. She gave my older sister to her dad when she was eight. Gloria went through a life of depression and suicide attempts. Two years ago she killed herself. One of the last things she said to me was "Why did mama give me away?" Words cannot describe my grief. I have more to say, but talking about my sister is upsetting. I have to stop.


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