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    Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
    Something is wrong with the way i think
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    An_188803 posted:
    I have always been creative, it's sort of my defining quality. I draw a lot, i paint a lot, anything artistic, even writing i've delved into and have been told that I am talented in all of these, ever since i was 2. but lately something has been happening to me.
    i haven't had the calling to paint. I am not discouraged, or intimidated by some one else, i never have been. I do not understand why i never feel like painting anymore. Or drawing, my love and desire for it has disappeared, art seems dry and fruitless when it used to feel emotional and expressive and fulfilling. I haven't painted or drawn in months and i feel like i have lost my talent. i've been having odd occurrences with my mood and my personality. Right around where my love for painting left me, i started having episodes of rage. I get angry, a lot, and i don't know why. I used to be a very peaceful person, now i yell, i hurt people violently, i say things i would never mean if my head were not clouded in anger. I feel like i am a different person. I'm very sad and i don't know whats happening to me. Whenever i cry, it turns into a freakish moment where i start talking to myself and contorting on the floor. When i am really sad, and attempt to hurt myself, i scream. I am never satisfied anymore, i feel like everything around me is unreal and just part of my mind.
    I can no longer sleep, when i am lucky, i sleep only 2-4 hours. I think of the most unusual thoughts at night when i just lay on bed staring at my mirror and i never have dreams, when i do, they are intense and discombobulating, i wake up instantly. Everyone thinks i am fine, and i make them see that. They all assume that I am ok, but i feel extremely disturbed by my own mind. Sometimes i feel like i am plotting something against myself, like another part of me is planning something. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. And no, i have not been hallucinating.
    Reply
     
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    Boyzmomee responded:
    Bipolar?
     
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    marysings responded:
    The best way to determin what is happening to you is to go to a therapist.

    I'm sorry I can't write more, I need to leave for a doctor's appointment.

    Mary
    When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another. Helen Keller
     
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    Butterflykis responded:
    It's actually quite scary reading your post right now, only because recently i have been going through the exact same thing that you are. Just the other week I word for word said your last 3 sentencs.

    I don't have any answers though, im seeing a psych in a couple weeks though, thought i'd lay it on him.
    As for that feeling though about plotting something about yourself, i really understand that, sometimes i feel like i can take a step back and watch my conscience and sub-conscience have the most twisted and disturbed psychologogical mind battles.

    i hate the waking up instantly, it almost feels like for me if i dont somehow wake myself up and open my eyes, that my mind with explode, or that maybe it will turn into an embolism, i dont know, i prob dont make much sense anymore.

    i dont hallucinate either rarely, and i gotta believe that theres a reason for that, its too real.

    your not alone though!
    ~ Papilon
     
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    lifelongtherapy replied to Butterflykis's response:
    Recently I opened a major door. Instead of trying to figure out exactly why I sometimes think the way I do, and why I need to fight every day with myself, I finally came to accept the reality that I suffer from a disease. I don't know to be honest, but I'm sure there are tons of people out there that go through this. Anyway, I've started taking medication that helps and I feel much better.


    Butterflykis, I liked the way you described your feeling as though your sub-conscious is battling your conscious. I myself have felt this way periodically for the past few years and can say it's no fun way to live...and it certainly can't be healthy.


    All I want to say is that there is hope for anyone who goes through these types of feelings and you are not alone. Seek help and take good care of yourselves. Your not as "messed up" as you think you are ; )
     
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    oldnotwise responded:
    The words "Something is happening to me" was the same words I have used so many times. I have severe depression with no letup for 10 years. I said to my doctor that I knew something more was happening. I, to to have been vicious and always angry. I do imagine people hate me, they are all talking about me. They ignore me and talk about me all the time. I have attempted suicide, the last 2 wk. ago. Finally a counselor listened in the hospital and believes I am BPD.
     
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    HMW11 responded:
    I feel this way also, and cannot get any doctors to believe there is something wrong with me. Have you had any treatment since this post?? Hope you are well


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