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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
Upset and needing to vent
az330 posted:
I hate my life. I can't control the rage I feel inside. I need to vent but I have no outlet. I just want hit someone. I want someone else to feel as bad as I do. I hate this cruel world. I am done with everything. I will never again put my heart out there. The walls must come back up.

lovely_lemon_tree responded:
You know what I used to do when I lived in the southwest and got angry? I would go to the ground floor of the house (which was of course resting on concrete), I would close the door and cry and jump and jump and try so hard to jump and rage and bluster and cry and jump furiously. I had myself a good temper tantrum every couple weeks... and no one knew it. If you do it on a ground floor, no one will suspect you're thinking about anything. (I would then get even angrier at the floor for not breaking, but fatigue won out over diligence.)
StoryB responded:
I hate my life too. I hurt other people emotionally - woe be yours to come close to me. So badly that my husband left me. He couldn't take it any more. I had done too much damage. I hurt my self instead of hurting others. I cut. I have walls so big that only love, love that I trust, which is rare, can bring them down.
marysings replied to StoryB's response:
I have 'destroyed' some wonderful friendships. Like other borderlines, I hurt them before they could hurt me. Looking back, I realize they would never hurt me. I wish I could repair that relationship.

It's a strong borderline trait - hurt others so they don't have the chance to hurt you. In other words - we do whatever we think is right so they don't abandon us. If we sever the relationship, then we aren't vulnerable for abandonment.


I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
sofargone replied to marysings's response:
I can so relate to all of what you said... I can't count the many friends I use to have, and relationships.. Now I'm all alone.. Which looking back on my actions.. I don't blame them for getting away from me.. I would too if I could
tinklover4u responded:
completely understand how you feel. i was diagnosed as a borderline about 6 years ago and until i was given a book to read about the condition by my therapist i had no way of controlling my anger. the name of the book, that helped me to overcome a lot of the anger coursing thru me, is: Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland. it is a wonderful tool to see some of the things that could be triggering your anger and it has things that could help you to be able to control it. another resource is to look in your local area for support groups for borderlines or people with mental illnesses.

i hope that this has helped and if not i am sorry.
az330 responded:
I haven't been here in awhile I have had alot going on in my life. I am angry its hard for me to let it go. Yes I too cut people out of my life so they wont hurt me. I have self sabatoged every meaningful relationship in my life.
I lost my father a 3 weeks ago and well he made my life hell. He abused me and I have had alot of mixed emotions since his funeral. Two week ago one of my fellow coworkers was shot and killed in an armed robbery. My emotions have been all over the place. Today is a bad day. I feel so defeated. I don't know how to handle all these emotions.
Thank you for letting me vent.
marysings replied to az330's response:
Hi AZ. Remember it's better to vent here rather than do self harm.

I can relate to your feelings. All that rage just boiling inside, seeming to never leave. Add to that the sorrow for the loss of a co-worker.

Keep writing here if it feels good.

I can't remember - do you have a therapist you can call?
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
az330 replied to marysings's response:
Hi Mary,
I have been trying hard not to SI myself. Sometimes I feel that is my only release. I wrote my father a letter. It was filled with anger and rage. I wish I had gotten the validation I needed before he died. He never admitted to anything he did. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and the ride just won't stop. As I am writing this I am crying. I have not been able to cry for him since his funeral. I don't know why I am crying. I have been doing alot of writing lately hoping it will help me sort through it all.
The death of my coworker has left me with feelings of vunerability. Nothing is forever I know that. It has made me pull away even more from people. I spoke to him four hours before he died and it just blows my mind in a way...You never know who is next.
I do that a therapist and we have been working thru these emotions. I have been seeing her twice a week. My sessions have been rough and very emotional.
I started on new meds we will see how it goes. I hate taking pills.
Thank you for listening to Mary.
I just needed a different outlet. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking and writing is my outlet.
marysings replied to az330's response:
I know, AZ. I know the feelings of rage and sadness. Writing is always better for me, too.

I'm glad your therapist is seeing you twice a week. When I was in a dangerous state of mind, Dr.B would see me twice a week. Hang in there and allow those feelings to be your way of coping.

I hate meds, too. I have 3 prescriptions for mental health and 11 prescriptions for other health problems. Meds are good for us but can be a real headache.

Keep writing here if it helps. I check a few times a day.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
az330 replied to marysings's response:
I am not sure how to get rid of the rage? I feel it taking over my soul. I don't know how to let it go?
I am finding myself pushing everyone away. How could people understand whats going on in my head? I feel isolated and alone. People tell me I'm sorry for your loss, deep down I am not sorry. They have no idea what kind of man he was. It bothers me. I have to put on a front for everyone even though I am full of rage and filled with bad memories.
I haven't been back to my DBT classes. They kind of overwhelm me.
marysings replied to az330's response:
Maybe I didn't make my self clear but those DBT skills are paramount to handling the issues of Borderline Personality. Please return to the class.

Earlier this year, after an exceptionally difficult session, Dr.B sent me home with instructions to find a place in the house where I could scream, yell, cry, rage, etc. I was told to tear up the old telephone books. I didn't have any but I did have a stack of magazines I was going to give to recycling. I ripped those magazines to shreds.

Writing is good therapy but sometimes you just need to physically get it out.

I wish I had more advice, AZ.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
az330 replied to marysings's response:
I did alot of yelling and screaming over the weekend. I tried to take some aggression out in a healthy way. I did rip up some magazines too. I ripped them up until I couldn't do it anymore. I am very angry at my father but I know one day I will work thru everything. I am still in my first year into therapy. I feel I have made some progress but maybe not enough for me. Unrealistic expectations maybe?
tinklover4u replied to az330's response:
those are not unrealistic expectations. take it from a survivor. i am still in therapy but it is only once a month and in a couple of weeks i will have my last session.
venting on here is a wonderful way of coping. i am glad this is available to ppl like us.
i am also a survivor of abuse but mine was my stepmom. if it makes you feel better, you will get thru this.

as for feeling alone, i can be in a roomful of people that i know and love and still feel that way. it is because i am different and i put on a face or front for everyone around me so that they don't get close enough to hurt me or to really know who i am. but when i cut those same ppl out of my life it hurts me more than if i had let them get to know the real me.

i don't get on here as often as mary and i am glad that she is here for you. but if you need to vent this is the best place to do it.

i will be in touch when i can get online again.


inquireer2014 replied to marysings's response:

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