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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
My Life has succumbed to my disorder
StoryB posted:
And it's only when I'm around my husband that I get triggered. I can't talk. I want to do bad behaviours like drinking and cutting. And I have suicidal ideations, often. I can't stop it. I'm in counseling. I'm finding groups to attend. I'm starting to reconnect with friends. And my husband left me. It's recent. And I feel like my life is over. I've been hospitalised so many times in recent months. I'm tired of it, of all of this. It's not fair. Sometimes I feel like a hurting child, or a teenager who ran away from home. But I'm supposed to be this big grown up, only, I don't have grown-up skills. I've done the DBT classes. I've been to therapy. It's not working, it's not helping, I feel helpless and alone and scared. Help? Here's the most unlikely place for getting help. Online, of all places. And those stupid hotlines? Even a crisis phone line or a warm line. They're all crap. When I'm impulsive and angry, there's no way I'm going to stand talking to a stranger about helping me not to cut my self. I've tried. Little to no family around to help me. Barely any friends who know about this. Well, all our friends were really my husbands' friends, and they are siding with him because they don't understand my actions and behaviours, things I've done. I don't understand them either but I do them any way. No matter how many times I try to think positive, negative wins. "I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be happy, I deserve" blah, blah, blah. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. And then I start to repeat myself and I know I'm really sick. Of course, I've read that this is not an illness but a disorder, and it can be treated. Why do all these stupid random people want to keep me from killing myself? Just wanting to undo the mistake of my birth. End the pain. But hasn't worked yet, so I have to go on another miserable day. Get a job again some day. I used to have a career, back when I had coping skills. But then I forgot. Forgot how to be happy, lost my self, my identity, my self worth, my everything. And it's not fair. It's not fair. It's just not fair. I know I'm smart, intelligent even. I have the capacity for self-expression. He didn't marry me for nothing, but I feel worthless, unlovable, horrid. I'm a horrible person even though I help people, bring joy to others, cuddle babies, cause people to smile, am multi-lingual, tres talented. But I'm a horrible horrible person. I even used to model. Did professional photography. It all doesn't matter. I have to die some day. Help is far. Few in between.
StoryB responded:
I just don't get it. If there are so many humans here on earth, why do I have to be special? I'm not. There's nothing special about me, about the fact that I'm alive. I was not made to feel special for the first sixteen years of my life. I'm so lost. So lost. Lost in my self-loathing.
marysings responded:
AZ, please read this.

I had a breakdown in Dec 2002. I've been in therapy since then and with Dr.B since April 2003.

Healing isn't something that takes forever. Healing isn't a quick fix. Your healing journey only comes to a close when you are ready.

AZ, you are not ready. You've hardly given meds, your pdoc, and your therpist time. It took me more than 9 years to get to where I am today. I was a mess when I first posted. I wrote about everything and anything. I raged, I cursed, I cried a pitiful little child's cry. The SA board would never let me give up. They are a vital part of my life. Yes, after 9 years, they are still a vital part of my life.

They let me see pain and hurt so I would know I was not alone. They would boost my spirits when I was sitting in the deepest depression hole. They sat with me, talked to me, and helped me realize that it wouldn't last forever. I wish to goodness that you could read some of the posts I received in 2003 through 2009. Those were the worst years for me. I'm still not healed but I am close. I'm getting real close. My early months of depression were hard but they never gave up on me.

I've said all that so that you understand that healing doesn't just happen overnight. It's a long walk. I'm ready to walk with you, AZ. I am ready.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
marysings replied to marysings's response:
Oh dear. I've posted to the wrong person. Story B, please forgive me.

Interestingly enough, what I posted to AZ definately applies to you also. Would you be willing to let me help you?

Many Borderline people have a history of abuse. Do you? If so, then I want to encourage you to post on the sexual abuse board. It's for people who have been abused in any way. Abuse is abuse and it hurts us to our inner core.

And I hope you read my post to AZ. I believe it will also speak to you.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
StoryB replied to marysings's response:
Thanks, I didn't know about the abuse board. I might try it out but I haven't experienced it overtly, I don't think.
marysings replied to StoryB's response:

The SA board is a place of healing. You may not have been sexually abused but if you've only experienced physical or emotional abuse, then it is an appropriate place for you. And if you don't want to go there, it's all right, too.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for a week-long vacation. I'll check in when I can.

I look forward to talking with you again.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.

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