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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
Is everyone doing okay?
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marysings posted:
If you are not doing well, what can WE do for you?
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
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az330 responded:
I wish I had good news. I am not doing well. I can't get over what has recently happend to me. I am having a hard time managing my feelings. I am more depressed than ever and see no relief in sight. I am very angry at me. Thank you for providing a place to vent.
I hope you are doing better Mary
AZ
 
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marysings replied to az330's response:
I've been in your "state of mind" many times. Dr.B always says to remember to take a minute to review all the good things in my life. I always said there are NO good things but then I would be making a list and, lo and behold, there were good things to hold onto. You might try that.

I can understand your anguish with the recent events in your life. Can you write about it? Write and put it away or burn it. Make it a ceremony speaking out loud that the recent wounds need to heal.

I am angry with me, today, too. If you feel unsafe, can you go for a walk? Or ask a friend to come over. I just don't want you to self-harm.

I know you have been fighting for your sanity for the past several months. Have you been to your psych doctor for a med adjustment? Can you contact your therapist and ask for more sessions?

Remember I love you,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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az330 replied to marysings's response:
I have tried to write about what happend to me. Everytime I start I just shut down internally. Its still very raw and fresh in my mind. I feel like I am in hell...
I see my tdoc twice a week and I dont feel its enough sometimes. I have thought about going into the hospital for a little bit. Its something that I will talk about in therapy. I have called my tdoc more than i would like. She may want me to go in for a bit. In a way I feel like I am slowly coming unglued. I have been fighting so hard. Trying to just maintain some sort of routine. I have been to my pdoc and we have been working on getting the right dosage....I have alot of issues with side affects. I feel so defeated all the time. So depressed. So alone.
I am sorry you are angry with yourself. I hope the anger has subsided by now....I am really proud of you Mary. You have been thru alot and I hope I can be as strong as you someday.
Your encouraging words saved me this weekend. I felt so alone,,,like no one cared.... I was ready to end it all.
AZ
 
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marysings replied to az330's response:
I usually check in this community a few times a day. Unfortunately today I didn't get here until 8pm.

I'm glad i helped you this past weekend. Our world in WebMD would feel lost without you around.

I can't get the bookwork at the store to balance. I've triple checked everything but it's still off $400 . I called myself all kinds of negative names and came home to sleep. Seems that works pretty well to stay safe.

I am glad you are in touch with both your T and PDoc. Good for you to take care of yourself. And before you go inpatient, check the program and what is offered. I went in a few years ago and got nothing - no therapy, no one-on-one counseling. All the doc did was mess with some of my meds. I signed myself out and then my pdoc promptly dropped me from his list of patients.

I hope this evening is good for you, AZ.

Hugs,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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az330 replied to marysings's response:
I talked to my tdoc yesterday and I am not sure if I want to go into the hospital. She was going to look for a program that deals with my issues. So I have a couple more days to think about it.
Self harm is becoming a really big issue for me. I try to keep myself occupied but it lingers in the back of my head. My t told me to put a orange in the freezer and when I feel that urge to pull it out and sqeeze it until I get it all out. She also told me to use and ice cube on my arms if I feel like cutting....I am really disappointed in myself.
I am having really bad nightmares and flashbacks. I cant get what happend to me recently out of my head. When I try to talk or write about it nothing comes out.... I feel trapped.
Its hard to stay in the present sometimes. I have to work really hard to stay grounded.
I hope you get the books figured out. Don't beat yourself up. Take a break from for a bit. Maybe you need a fresh eye to look it over. Sometimes when I cant figure something out I have to walk away for a bit and clear my head. When I come back I usually find it and wonder why I didnt see it sooner. I have faith in you Mary. I hope you have a good day today.
Thank you for your support and love
AZ
 
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marysings replied to az330's response:
AZ, you might check this out:

Hill Center for Women at McLean offers psychiatric and psychological services for women with borderline personality disorder, histories of trauma and related disorders, mood disorders and anxiety disorders. The program, with 13 residential beds and a partial hospital component, provides intensive dialectical behavior therapy with a specialized emphasis on the treatment of self-destructive, impulsive behavior and emotional dysregulation as they present in survivors of early, repeated traumatic experiences. Typical length of stay is two to three weeks. Contact 617.855.2595, Monday through Friday, to speak to the intake coordinator. Prospective patients may also contact the program via e-mail at women@mclean.harvard.edu .

There is also a treatment center in Arizona called The Meadows. They don't accept any insurance. The lady I talked to said the typical stay is 5 weeks and costs $45,000.

Let me know what your therapist finds for you.

Love,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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az330 replied to marysings's response:
Mary-
Thank you so much for the info. I am aware of the one in AZ that is not an option for me. I would have to have my insurance cover it. I am really interested about the one in MA. I called my t and gave her all the info. Hopefully I can get into a program fairly quickly. I am concerned about a waiting list. I feel myself slipping more and more into the darkness and my feelings are scaring me. I try really hard everyday and everyday I feel its a losing battle.. I feel so defeated and alone.
I am so proud of you Mary. I really look up to you. You have come so far and you are my inspiration...

AZ
 
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marysings replied to az330's response:
I hope your T can get you into the Hill Center. If I weren't so far away I would like to go. You'll have to tell me all about it.

I have used ice in the past to deter cutting. It was messy but it worked.

I'm really down today, so your comment that I am your inspiration is welcome. Thank you.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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az330 replied to marysings's response:
There is still alot of things to work out. I am clear across the country from hill center.... At this rate though I dont care where it is. I NEED HELP! I desperately need help.
I am having really bad flashbacks and feel like its happening to me all over again. I am scare and alone. I am trying hard not to harm myself. I feel like its a losing battle. I hate my life. I hate who I have become

AZ
 
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marysings replied to az330's response:
Don't give up, AZ. Do a follow-up call to your T on Monday to see if she was successful in getting you into that program.

If you need to stay safe and you're "will" is fading, go to the ER. I would be very sad if you gave up.

I have a busy weekend coming up but I'll check in once in a while.

Hugs,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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az330 replied to marysings's response:
Mary,
I hope you have had a good weekend. I have so much pressure in my chest and its been an emotional weekend. I have been riding the roller coaster. I have been able to fight the urge. My loneliness is going to kill me. My heart will never heal. The guilt is killing me. I cannot help but blame myself. I am tired of the fear I feel all the time.
 
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marysings replied to az330's response:
Has anyone told you that the pressure in your chest is probably anxiety? That's how my anxiety manifests.

I hope your T is able to get you into the Hill program. There used to be a top-notch program in Kansas City but it closed after "administrative" failures to provide safety. It focused on the laws and forgot about the patients. It's a long, sad story.

Do you ever leave your house and just go for a walk? *ducking head to avoid your houseshoe* I used to get so angry when it was suggested to me. Getting out is still a problem for me. What about you?

You aren't guilty! You didn't ask for the abuse. You didn't ask to be violated. You didn't ask for the pain, anxiety, and depression which steals your sleep or peace.

AZ, you will find closure but it won't come overnight. As Dr.B says to me, "take one hour or even one minute at a time".

Love and hugs,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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az330 replied to marysings's response:
I fiugured it was anxiety...I am filled with that lately. Today I feel detached from everything today. I feel so numb. Things don't feel real.
I had a small yelling match with my t out of frustration. She wanted me in a program I was not comfortable with so I refused to go. I came home upset with myself for letting it all get to me. I ended up giving in to the urges and cut my arms up. It felt so go to release. I felt guilty about it afterward but oh well....I know I should have tried some of the other coping techniques me and my t discussed but I was so angry and didn't want to hear her words.
Getting out of my house is a problem for me sometimes. Yes I get annoyed when someone asks me that question. As if a walk makes anything better. I live in AZ its hot as hell right now. 110 degrees is not fun to walk in.
I have tended to my wounds and today has been a self- soothing day. I have spent most of the day wrapped in a blanket hugging my childhood blanket for some reason. Maybe I want to feel something....I don't know Everything right now is a dream? is it?
AZ


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