Hi everyone, im not sure where to post this but ill give it a shot, i gess this is a more of to get opnions if anything is wrong with me. well i gess ill just list some things i find werid with my self, when i talk about anything serious or anything i shake really bad sometimes to the point where i can barely hold things, and also more on the personality side of things im pretty sure im scared of other people for example if im in a store and i see some one i know from school or something i go into flight mode i get nervous and i just want to hide, and im always questioning peoples true intentions my best friend thats been there for me for 16 years i still question her trust... i dont know in just paraniod i gess haha
I understand that no one on here is certified for giving advise, but if someone going thru the same thing has found some reprieve from this deep and dark hole I am newly trying to climb out of, I am more than willing to read about it. Of course, I fully believe any information you get from here should be researched and discussed with a professional. But maybe it will at least give some of us a little hope of a semi-normal life. Thats all i'm looking for right now, HOPE!
I am willing to share with you what I have experienced. At the end of my life story, I'll tell you where I am now.
Caution!! This could be very triggering to read! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My father sexually abused me from the age of 13months until I was 9 1/2. When I was four, my mother walked in on me and my father. Until that day, he had only been forcing oral sex and he was touching and sucking. My mother kept me home from kindergarten the next day and used a banana to show me how it would feel to have intercourse. I bled profusely and missed a month of school. And for my 5th birthday, my father had intercourse with me. This continued several times a week because my mother never wanted to have sex with my father, so she would disappear with my younger sister and brother three times a week so my father could "love" me.
When my mother left my father she said it was because "he was an out of control alcoholic". No mention of the sexual abuse. My parents divorced when I was 10.
My mother's brother sexually abused me from the age of 10 until I was 13. A girl raped me when I was 12. A boy raped and sodomized me when I was 17. My mother physically, sexually, and emotional abused me while I was living with her. When I married (Albert was 21 and I had just had my 19th birthday. We married Feb 3, 1974, and are best friends) the emotional abuse never stopped until I had a breakdown at the age of 48 - December 28, 2002, 10am.
With the help of God, a wonderful husband, and psychologist (Dr., I have been working towards forgiveness towards all of my abusers.
My husband grew up with parents who loved him dearly but were not physical when showing their love for him.
When we married, we made a vow that our children would always know that they were loved. Both of our grown sons call home often, knowing that we always end the conversation with "I love you". One of our DILs asked why I always "goodbye, I love you" and I told her that if something to happened to me, she could always remember my last words to her were "I love you".
I worked in Human Resources for a printing company for 25.5 years. I spent a year on paid medical leave. About half way through the medical leave, I was called to my supervisor's office and told I was going to be retired. I was devestated and three days later I tried my first suicide attempt.
I am very grateful that WebMD has many community boards. Many friends have been made here. The people on the SA community have loved me through some pretty ickly days. They are very loving and have helped me so many times when I wanted to give up. I found WebMD communities in the summer of 2003, when I was searching for information about the meds I was taking. I have never regreted being online on this website.
I have many diagnoses: severe depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, fibromyalgia, and others.
Today I am doing very well. I found an excellent psychiatrist and my meds are wonderful keeping me sane.
After 9 years of therapy I finally have come to the point of seeing Dr.B every other week. I've learned the DBT skills which are the standard treatment for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I hope this has somehow helped you.
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
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