I have something very wrong with my mind. I have been compulsively thinking about the idea of determinism for so long that it seems to have taken over my subconscious. I literally do not feel in control of anything. I used to feel very different. I felt a sense of control without thinking about it at all. I have questioned each and every choice over and over again subconsciously and it seems as though nothing is truly a choice.
it seems to me that we perceive it as a choice when it happens but in reality it's just happening TO us. Nothing gives me hope. I have been this way for several months and everyday I think it might be different today and it isn't. I try to put my mind on other things and reprogram it to believe int he illusion of choice but I can't do that if I truly do not believe I have a choice.
I have gotten so far in my life and I have just beaten Cancer. Now this monster has appeared and nothing in my life seems real anymore. My beautiful boyfriend Clifford.... my beautiful family.... I feel like I must kill myself and I DO NOT WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!
I go through the rounds everyday like a cycle. I can't decide what choices are my own and what is involuntary because I have somehow convinced my subconscious that choices are illusions. this leads me to think that people may also be illusions including the illusion of me. I refuse to think about such thoughts but still they come creeping through. I can't sleep anymore without my Tamazapam and I'm pretty sure that's going to run thin too. My beliefs rotate like gears being rotated by someone else and I can't decide for myself what is real. I have talked to so many people and gotten nowhere.
If I'm so in control then why can't I just decide to believe the world is not deterministic? It used to feel obvious that it wasn't but I felt that I was denying and I have been denying it for so long that I think it is real now.
I am at my wits end here and I just want to know if anyone thinks medication can help me feel in control again because I don't think anything will.
I am committing suicide by thought and eventually once I exacerbate every effort to eliminate this problem I wind up with suicide as the only way out and again... I don't want that.
Thoughts and emotions always changing.... I'm making less and less sense the more I try to figure this out but I can't just stop trying to figure it out..... I feel I have lost myself and I can't get back.
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