I was abandoned at the age of 2 by my mother and I never knew my father. I was raised by multiple family members until I graduated high school. I think I have BPD as a result of this trauma, and live in constant fear of abandonment. I met a girl I fell in love with 6 and a half years ago but overbearing fear of abandonment and jealousy have caused a serious rift in our relationship. Just Saturday, we had a huge fight in which I implied she would never see me again, this was all in anger. I never meant it. She has been crying nonstop for the past few days and won't take my calls. She said she needed time and I am doing my best to give her what she requested.
I want to get better but I am afraid of losing her before I can get the help I need. I know what's wrong and I know how to fix it, I just need to find the right doctor and get to work. With someone as myself, willing and ready to take the steps necessary to heal, what is the process? How does it work?
I have a supportive extended family but at this point I'm assuming that I have lost the love of my life. It makes the process so much harder, especially at Christmas, but I want to get better. I don't want to hurt her because of my jealousy and inability to trust anymore. Advice? Comments?
I can identify with you there are all types of problems that come with abandonment issues. I found that I keep falling in love with people that demand all my attention and effort. I don't know if you can identify with that but I choose people who demand all my attention. I spend all my time worring about how to solve their problems and I forget about my own needs. The best I can offer you is to look up borderline in the DSMIV. Or go on line to see if you meet the criterior for the disorder. I was diagnosed in 2005 but didn't really believe it until recently. This is not a popular illness and treating it is hard. I am finding that I am having to find solutions on my own which is sort of a contradiction because my best thinking has me in agony. I keep searching for the key to help me learn how to think right. One of the traits of BPD is the instability of relationships that is a constant for me. I fall in love quickly and I love desperatly but when it's over I walk away without a thought. Maybe you are in a better place because you are committed for the long haul.
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