Borderline Personality Disorder Exchange

I want to learn to love people. I made a list of beliefs I have and things I do so others can better understand how to help me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

When people are struggling or going through a trial I have no emotional response or feeling. My initial thoughts are "you put yourself in that situation" or I simply just don't care.  I don't see potential in others. I know they have a capacity to be better, but I don't believe they will change because I believe  they don't have the will power.  Aside from myself, I believe almost everyone is too weak to change and be better. I see far too many people failing.  I get very annoyed when people feel the need to open their emotions to me. I feel that doing so won't solve their problems.  I believe I am more capable and skilled than most people.  There is no one I know except my mission president at I feel is better or more skilled than me.  I know I can accomplish whatever I put my mind too. I believe most people will never do so and will probably fail if they try.  I believe that amazing people and amazing events/actions are very rare.  I believe that if I compete against anybody in anything I will ultimately be better and win.  I believe that if I was living alone I would feel 100% and have no need for human interactions I often ponder about and dream about the end of the world and the death of millions of people If someone challenges me or defies me I often think about humiliating or destroying them.  People who don't know me well often compliment and praise me when I do things I believe I know the reasons why people fail and struggle.  It is very easy for me to notice others weaknesses and problems.  I get very annoyed when people put their problems on my shoulders.  I believe I have very important things to do in this life. I also believe this weakness of mine is hindering me from doing them.  I believe I try and do everything everyday to be a better person.  I grew up with my grandparents living with us. When they died I had no emotional reaction. I still have no emotional reaction. If my mom was to die I would probably have no reaction I have love for my children that is beyond comprehension. I love no other human being as I love my children. I don't know why this is.  I believe if the entire world died I would hardly feel anything.  I am the strongest advocate I know of wanting the right.  I wish I could be a soldier in an army.  I believe that people that are close to me know that I look down on them.  If I choose to, I can make people believe that I sincerely care about them. Even though I don't.  I believe I am really good at inspiring people if I choose to.  If i see someone that is better than me at something I immediately make the decision to be better than that person at that thing and make plans to do so.  I believe in doing good.  It bothers me very much that I have these problems.  I believe I need outside help to solve these issues.  The thought of children suffering is almost unbearable.  I believe I can learn more and learn more quickly by studying on my own versus finding knowledge through others. This is probably why school and class at church is so boring to me.  I believe I am the most spiritual person I know. Having these issues really bothers me because I know these problems are out of alignment with God I have a great desire to sincerely love everyone.  If I see that someone is in need of help I will help them. My actions are not based on loving them or having a desire to ease their suffering. I do it because I know I am supposed to and because it makes me feel like I am doing right.  Most days I am disgusted with everyone because they are living such sub standard lives I can't remember the last time a human being impressed me.  If people could read my thoughts everyone I know would probably hate me.  I want to love people so I can serve better in the Church. Currently I have give give myself significant spiritual motivation before I serve in my callings in the Church. If the motivation is not present then I have no desire to serve others.  I do whatever I want with no regard to other people's feelings. I believe that most everything I do is the right thing.