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    Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
    its to bad
    sittingbull594 posted:
    it's really to bad that :

    some people think that they are holier than thou (you) or (me)

    that some people pick at you and me

    i hate myself

    i sh

    i have mi

    i am swollen so much on the left side of my body
    May God walk before you. b.e.f.
    marysings responded:
    Are you referring to someone on this board or cyber-bulling in general.

    What is mi? Is that why you are swollen?

    In case you have wondered if I was going to answer your reply post to me, I plan to do that now. This seems ok to let you know how I appreciate your compassion. I am a born-again Christian and I have a close relationship to the Trinity. I know that God sometimes allows trials in our lives to help us grow in our faith. I have faith that someday God will release me of this depression.

    In the meantime I struggle a lot.

    ... but we rejoice in our afflictions because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. Romans 5:3b
    sittingbull594 replied to marysings's response:
    HI mary!!!

    No one is cyb er bullying me or in general was i referring to anyone in cyber space but rather in real time, real life.
    I guess it boils down to don't judge me lest you be judged.

    It is nice to hear that you appreciate my compassion. Yes I am a very compassionate person! I didn't have a lot of that in my life so i like to give it to warm people such as yourself to enjoy! CUZ ITS TRUE!!

    I think in God's time we will be healed.

    You sound a lot like me. You try to help people with this illness!
    I'm where you are as well. It's real tuff struggling with the vs. thoughts. mi is mental illness.

    My shoulder is messed up and my left knee too. I'm wondering if some pain medication caused some swelling but how could htat be only in one arm/hand and one knee/leg foot?? weird
    May God walk before you. b.e.f.
    marysings replied to sittingbull594's response:
    Do you think you might have had a mini-stroke? I don't think pain meds would have side effect.

    I also need lots of compassion. Both of my parents sexually abused me from 13months to age 9 (my father left) and my mother found ways to abuse me. She did a lot of psychology stuff and destroyed any happiness I could have had. She labeled me "fat, ugly, stupid, and worthless" AND I raised my younger sister and brother. I was left in charge every evening (making supper, monitoring home work, baths, etc) while she was working (RN), and I was responsible to get us all ready for school. That included making breakfast and leaving a clean kitchen.

    When I was ready to attend high school, she sent me to a boarding school. She lectured the whole hour and a half trip mostly telling me that I CANNOT mention her negatively. And when I was all moved in and she was ready to leave, she said, "It's a shame your face looks so bad. You'll never have friends until you can fix your acne-covered face." And she drove away.

    Needless to say, I crave attention and often make mistakes that can't be undone. I have been blessed so many times. My husband and I are going to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary in February, 2014. My sons are awesome, they have beautiful wives and my four grandchildren (8, 9, 9, 12) are so wonderful to me.

    Well that was probably TMI but it explains a lot of where I am now. Severe Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, and Borderline Personality.

    I drive my husband and my psychologist (Dr. crazy. My depression has never been helped ... I've tried so many depression meds that didn't help me except give me crazy with various side effects.

    Thanks for listening. I hope I didn't bore you.

    ... but we rejoice in our afflictions because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. Romans 5:3b
    sittingbull594 replied to marysings's response:
    I'm so sorry Mary........ it's a horrible horrible thing they did to you. it is unforgiveable however that being said.... the forgiving is for us as victims as it is a gift. It doesn't mean (i'm sure you've heard this stuff before??) that you condone it or that it was right. It only means you acknowledge it happend...
    Mine certainly wasn't like what happened to you. my needs for clothing food and shelter was met. not much of anything else was!! i was only touched inappropriately by an uncle and almost raped twice as a teen (gang) and individually on seperate occassions.
    lots of junk..... alcholic parents. lots of car accidents that were severe (headons when my mom was drunk driving and i was a passenger) hit by a horse with fiance at 19 in vehicle
    hit and spun complete circles by a much heavier car than i
    and a couple others...i've been jacked over by family all my life.. sis suicide a few years ago...
    ptsd schizoaffective disorder and now this.....

    its such a sucky thing having mental illness.....
    i have chronic pain syndrom and it really sucks... i hate it!! almost as much as i hate having a mental illness!
    i'm trying to figure out what our brains do so that i can understand myself better.

    i think you are an amazing woman Mary!! as i mentioned i had a different identity that i can't divulge but nver the less this is workin out for me.

    God speed and I"m glad that you were able to voice what happened!!
    I hope to see more of you! YOU ROCK!!!
    btw closer to your age than not
    May God walk before you. b.e.f.
    sittingbull594 replied to sittingbull594's response:
    Hi. sometimes i can come up for the answers but can't figure out things for myself. I feel like what i wrote above wasn't as validating as it coul dhave been for you and i feel badly about that.
    can you accept my apology!

    I hope some day we can all be well and live happily ever after. that may be in heaven and that is ok.

    i was hoping that you'd heard of what i wrote of???
    I understand a lot sometimes i'm in a better spot of strength and write from that but that never means that i do not have a lot of compassion for ever anyone.
    May God walk before you. b.e.f.
    marysings replied to sittingbull594's response:
    I had the opportunity to forgive my mother last summer. She said she should recognize me but couldn't recall my name. When I told her I was her first child, she said "Oh, yes. You are the rich bitch." I held her hands and told her that I have forgiven her for everything she did. She said "I hurt you?" I said yes. Then she asked how I hurt her, I said you yelled at me at lot. She said she wasn't mean anymore and I simply stood there as she closed her eyes and rolled over to go to sleep.

    Today she is still in the nursing home. She doesn't know anyone, she doesn't know who she is.

    My sister used to visit her several times a week but the dementia is progressing and my sister told me that there was no need for any visiting. Also, when my sister heard more about my younger years and how our mother helped our father abuse me, she stopped visiting. When my mother dies, my tears will be for that time in my life when she hated me. I don't understand how they could have hurt me. I've looked at a series of school pictures and I did not smile until 3rd grade and then it was a fake smile.

    I'm tired today so I'll stop but I do want to tell you one more thing. I got married at 19. I had my breakdown at age 48. She never referred to the past so I doubt her apology means anything. She had 30 years to make amends and she didn't.

    Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate you.

    Have a good day.

    ... but we rejoice in our afflictions because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. Romans 5:3b
    sittingbull594 replied to marysings's response:
    good evening mary,

    yes I get the part about your mother not making amends. sicko witch. sorry but I had to say that! because my parents were alcoholics I decided that because they were sick that was a pretty good excuse sometimes for what they did. because of my own illness' I can recognize it .... but can't forgive myself very easily.

    that's interesting you married at 19. I was 20 when I did and have been married to the same man for over 3 decades. WOW! are we ageing mary??!!

    My parents and bro never apologized to me either. Tho they didn't sa me they were in other ways very abusive. Neglectful parents, strict strict strict father, emotionally unstable mother which i'll always wonder if she most likely had a mental illness.

    my brother is very manipulative and controlling and a braggart.
    I have not been talking to him for 6 years. I talked to him recently for a very short time. It was ok. don't plan a long relationship with him. ick!
    I'm glad you were able to spend the time and try to do the reach out. I think it's really rotten she never got it!!!!!

    I'm about ready to fall asleep mary so I will go now. God speed
    there were army helicopters close to my house today and it really has me bothered. i'm so sick of the hubbub in every day life.
    May God walk before you. b.e.f.

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