New to the community, not to feeling.. So distraught, please help!
Hello. I have been reading alot of posts on this community and I think I was lead hear by divine intervention. I'm not the most religious type but I do no for the past several months I've been struggling with inner hate. I have been hospitalized several times forbmental health and been diagnosed with BPD on more than one occasion. I have a very long history of substance abuse. I have been clean for 2 1/2 years but never addressed the BPD because I thought I was ok, because I usually "get better" when I'm clean but I have never been clean for more than 6 months. I was guided to this site by mistake but then I started reading and I thought I was reading my own stories. Over the last few months, I really have turned into hating me. I constantly want to rip everyone's heads off, have secluded myself to where I'M practically a hermit. I have no-one to talk to any this inner turmoil it's killing me. I'm a single mom if a beautiful 4 year old and she's the biggest and best life accomplishment I have. I hate the person I have turned into. I have pushed all my friends away and don't even really talk to my family. I want to tell someone what's been going on but I just don't think no one will get it. I hate I get up and wish it was cloudy outside that way, I wouldn't feel so crappy about feeling so bad. I just feel like I'm in this never ending cycle and everyone did being clean was suppose to be the best thing, but if this it's what I have to look forward to, I can't do it. I just wanna scream and really I should be grateful for what I have and yet I just don't feel like it's good enough and I will never be good enough. I have tried so many things and either failed because I didn't stick it out our messed it up because if something dumb. I have one chance to make my little girl be a good person and teach her to be something great but how am I suppose to do this when I can't even get thru the day like a "normal" person. I know I need help but I don't know where to turn and have money but I don't want to constantly fight this inner battle or put my sobriety in jeopardy. This started about 2 years ago when I lost a baby when I was 6 months along (I never thought I would conceive and just happed to have some blood work and found out.) Since then my anger, depression and this overwhelming feeling of rejection and hopelessness has exploded. I pushed away my finance to where he where he left me, and I just hate the person I am. I cant even walk down the diaper isle of a store without wanting to just throw a fit and I have so much anger and hate. Theres several things since that happened has built up this rage/depression and I just wake up paying that this will be the day that I don't feel like this. I never took any diagnosis I had to hear but after reading this I start to understand why. Now I want to know how r to get relief. I just feel so lonely and wiuld give anything to be able to talk to someone if they could help me because I hate it, I hate me. I'm sorry to go on and on, even if no one ever sees this at least I get to say what Im feeling. I'm crying a I write thi, I just want Sun in my life and not feel like my chest has the world in ur and not be so angry. Sometimes I feel like a young little brat that's like poor me but I no this is real and I no I hate it and I just want an outlet to release. Thanks to anyone that takes the time to read this and I'm open to any and all suggestions. I just wanna pull my hair out and run away. The only peace I ha e in this life is my little one and I want to be a good mom and her to liok up to me and not for her to hate me or grow up thinking I dont live her or I don't care becuase I do and thats y I want help, I want help to be here for her because she don't deserve to live in this misery that consumes me . Helpless n MO
An_256338, You've been through a lot. I can't imagine losing a baby. However, I do understand the rage, anxiety, and depression though for different reasons. I'm constantly battling these feelings each and every day. I've slowly found a few outlets for my anger. One is I listen to music, but not just any music. I try to listen to music that has the mood that I want to feel. I want to feel happy so I try to listen to upbeat music. Another release for me is crafts. I love to express myself through art or whatever craft items i ave available. Find something you enjoy/used to enjoy doing and try to incorporate a little each day. I find this helps a little. Without it I stay in bed all the time in pain and depressed. My therapist tells me to find one thing a day to be thankful for. One thing you can be thankful for is the daughter you do have. Try keeping a journal. As far as hating yourself, I 'm afraid I'm the wrong person to give advice about that. I struggle with that more than anything else in the world. Well, I hope these suggestions help. Keep your head up and remember to be thankful for what you do have!
I read all of what you said beacuse it was worth reading, and you are worth hearing. I hope writing it helped you. Keep it up, you are welcome.
Something I have done, that helps, is imagining myself as my own child, or a little sister, or a best friend who needs my love. Take a few minutes, breathe deeply and slowly, and imagine yourself as the small child you used to be. You were someone else's little girl, once. You were loved, more than life itself. Say those things to yourself that you would say to a small, hurt, crying child. That child is beautiful and worthwhile and full of potential.
Keep this up, a little bit each time. I think it might help you. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and take life one bit at a time. You are a good mom.
You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.
The opinions expressed in WebMD Communities are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. Communities are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment.
Do not consider Communities as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.