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Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? This new Exchange has been developed so we can encourage each other, share tips to get through those down days, and/or just vent.
BPD
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hopefulmother posted:
My daughter who has Bipolar Disorder has recently been diagnosed with BPD. She takes medication, sees a therapist and psychiatrist. She is working but she has trouble sleeping even with medication. Does anyone in the New York area have a 24 hotline # that will talk to her for more than 5minutes.
I see a therapist also but I am exhausted, feeling insensitive to her at times. We have no family life because we never know how her mood will be to go out just for dinner. We have no family living near us. Honestly I don't even know at this point when she's moody, angry, etc. what it is. Bp...BPD...or just having a bad day because the rest of her immediate family has days like that too. I guess what I'm asking is how do I know what is just a "regular mood' or Bp...or BPD ?
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kncshelton responded:
Ask her. She needs to be respected and trusted to tell you if her moods are coming from one place or another. BPD comes from a multi factored environment that includes a common theme of invalidation toward the child's feelings. If your trying to decide for your adult daughter what her moods are without asking her, that is invalidation. You are telling her that she isn't a factor in her own mental processes and that only those observing her can truly explain if what she is feeling is realist or reasonable or makes any sense at all. Her behaviors may not make sense to you, but you aren't inside her head and she isn't crazy, she has developed a coping style that is somehow adverse to interacting with people. But, it's a learned developed coping mechanism that differs from the roller coaster of bipolar disorder in its fundamental origination. She rejects what feels bad, real or otherwise. It could be a reaction to something meant as positive but her perspective or experience of it was negative and without the proper/healthy tools to rectify her unsatisfying state, she develops a coping mechanism of her own that isn't customary or pleasing to others. She is under stress when this developing occurs and has no awareness that the lack of validation and coping directives exists. She simply learns her way how to survive emotionally out of her own learning. She isn't crazy diseased or delusional, perhaps you could say misguided, but she will make more sense to you when you start to see her as a completely separate being, not your child or a diseased person. She is exactly who she was ever going to be based on her life and biology. To support her now is to understand that the stresses she feels are the same as yours, she is the same as you, and wants happiness, joy and fulfillment just the same, the only difference is how she developed trust for others and how to cope. Nothing will ever change if she can't experience true respect for her dreams and goals, complete understanding and patience for whatever she has suffered, even if it was a teacher demanding good grades or social let downs or a perceived abuse. Her pain is real, it has gone unvalued and without strength and compassion for her issues, she will not 'be' what you want. Which is really what your asking when you want the quick answer from a forum to explain why she doesn't fit into your expected category of behaviors. She doesn't because they don't serve her emotional needs. If you can't realize that her reality is separate from yours and feel put out by her that in itself speaks volumes to the relationship you have. You have been suffering with her for years, trying to sort her out so YOU could get on with life. All of your issues with her are about your quality of life as she affects it. Where is her uniqueness showing up in the equation? Her individuality? The stuff that makes her different from you? Narcissistic and BPD parents create children the same... Perhaps if you stopped trying to put her in a category and really accept her differences, you would eventually begin to see you don't need an explanation of her odd behavior because the reason for it would be available to you and anyone willing to validate her feelings first and always. And she wouldn't feel the need to push you away or be agressive or moody because she is understood. The problem comes when you can't agree with her frustrations or logic because you would no longer be her parent of value but a friend which is seen differently. She may have wishes or needs that you can't or don't face and doesn't want to lose you so she has a maladaptive coping style developed from years of this type of interaction. You may struggle to shift rolls or view the past again because you have pain from a shared event or something that affects your relating to her. To cut it short, it's a way over simplification to ask strangers how to diagnose your daughters mood. If she can't tell you, no one can.
 
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reneegigliotti replied to kncshelton's response:
You have done the exact same thing you are accusing her mother of doing. You presupposed how this girl thinks and feels. You ascribe beliefs and behaviors to her you have no idea exist. At least her mother knows her and her mother's feelings should be respected as well. Family members of people with borderline personality disorder often feel like they've entered Alice in Wonderland when dealing with their BPD relative. Nothing they do is ever right. You never know when the next tirade is going to come at you. You do your best to be caring, listen, support only to be told that you are the worst sister, friend, parent ever to walk the face of the Earth. Some of us with PBD family members come here to learn how to help. We don't come here to receive yet another BPD tirade from a total stranger.


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